Here's Looking at You

Jan 2015

T 🩷 I G A 

Summer is its very own filter. Everyone just looked extra glowing with sunblock as their signature fragrance. Or maybe, it wasn’t summer, everyone was just happier than Taiga. 

“Are those tears?” Shintaro teased, flashing his white teeth; a perfect contrast to his tanned skin.

“Fuck off,” Taiga sneered and when Shintaro turned his back on him, he finally let out a sigh. His claps faltered, but the cheering grew louder as the bride and the groom kissed in the middle of the dance floor. The woman in the pink satin wedding gown was just radiating with happiness. 

And she was Taiga’s first love. 

But no one really believed him. No one took him seriously when he said that he was in love with their Year 10 English teacher. She was also his main driver for joining their school’s theater group, even though he couldn’t do anything but be a tree, and he even dragged Shintaro to become a lighting staff.

He sighed once more, the cheers hushed, and the music became sweet and mellow. The newlyweds started slow dancing, and the humid afternoon was not enough to deter them while they hugged closely, murmured sweet nothings, and just basked in love. 

Taiga tried to smile, genuinely this time, and thought how first love is called “first love”, because it was never meant to be his last. It would just be the beginning. And he guessed, this wouldn’t be his first heartbreak too. 

“This beef just melts in my mouth,” said Shintaro as they resumed eating. 

“Everything just melts in your mouth,” said Taiga, eating a spoonful of his mashed, while Shintaro seemed to be swallowing everything without chewing.  

“When are you going back to Uni? Fams will be going on a cruise to Auckland up until Australia Day. Want to tag along?” 

Taiga is brimming with jealousy. Last summer, Shintaro and his family went hiking in Patagonia, while he spent his summer break helping out with his family’s sushi restaurant at Sydney Fish Market. 

“I wish. I have to help out at the restaurant. It’s extremely busy during summer.” 

“What for? You won’t be inheriting it.” 

Taiga chuckled. “You know my dad. Anyway, how’s uni?” He asked instead to change the topic. Shintaro and he are both incoming college 2nd years. Shintaro stayed in Sydney to study Communication Arts, while he went all the way to Victoria where, to his father’s dismay, he decided to take a PreMed course. Who says all Asian parents want their kids to be doctors, engineers, or lawyers? Definitely not his dad.

“I’m still a virgin.”

Taiga almost choked on his steak. “That’s not really what I want to know.” 

Shintaro looked so pleased to have shocked him as he continued to eat, his mouth almost full that it was a miracle he could still speak coherently. “Uni is more lax than I expected. Well, it’s not like my lectures are that hard compared to yours. How about you?”

Taiga shrugged his shoulders. “Hmmm, not that lax, but I don’t feel like it has gotten busy. After all, I still have the time to go back here for summer when I could have just stayed there and studied.” 

A glint sparked at the corner of Shintaro’s eyes as he whispered urgently, “Becca, I mean, the now Mrs. McInerny is coming here.” 

Taiga’s heart started drumming. The alluring smell of fresh daisies and vanilla wafted to their table as his fellow theater group paused in gorging their meal to greet their former club adviser. 

“Taiga, are you okay?”

He almost yelped when Shintaro elbowed him. “You’re just too breathtaking,” he said, utterly mesmerized before he could stop himself. Becca’s face radiated tranquility, and Taiga thought that drew him in. Becca provided reprieve during the chaotic years of preparing for Uni.

“I mean…” he smiled and owned up to his feelings, “Well, I really mean that. Congratulations, Becca!” 

Becca smiled widely. “Thank you. You’ll always be one of my most diligent students that I’m proud of.” 

Taiga remained smiling. That was all he was, just one of her countless students. She resumed greeting those in the next table, while he could only look wistfully. Becca is like his summer, it has the power to make him suffer, and toast his tofu skin, but he still likes it anyway. But just like every other season, it has to end and pave the way for fall.

 H 🖤 K U T O

Hokuto could get really unlucky after a bit of luck. It was lucky he was able to get that free mX newspaper. Then, he quickly found a vacant seat during a busy Friday night, but what came after was just a string of bad luck. He scanned the free tabloid to distract himself that the carriage was boiling, the woman beside him was overloading his nostrils with her perfume, and the guy across from him looked stoned and must have winked flirtatiously at him several times. He picked up mX to entertain himself during another dreary commute but was clowning himself. 

The commuters thinned out after Chatswood, his eyes on alert for a vacant seat while he fanned the paper on his face and debated if transferring seats would lead to another bad luck. But when the bloke beside the stoned guy started trimming his nails, that was the last straw. Hokuto stood up and walked to the nearest vacant reversible seat, the lady's perfume still clung to his shirt, so he fanned harder, hoping it would dispel the smell. 

The train slowed and stopped at Killara. Hokuto watched the door as a few passengers entered, and the smell on his shirt was briefly forgotten as a guy in a white tuxedo entered. Hokuto increased his fanning. The guy must be a masochist for wearing a tuxedo in the middle of summer. 

Mr.Tuxedo chose to stand by the door despite the vacant seats, he loosened his bowtie as though he had a personal grudge against it, he checked his phone as though it also offended him, and when he was done checking, he let out a long sigh and Hokuto could feel the heaviness emanating from it.

Hokuto could only sympathize. He didn’t know what Mr. Tuxedo was going through, but he could relate to his mood. After all, Hokuto just learned that he needed to go back to being a freshie because none of his subjects from Billy Blue College of Design would be credited as he changed majors. His parents would surely throttle his neck. They were already against him choosing a design course, and now that he decided to switch, his ass would surely be whipped.

He sighed and watched Mr. Tuxedo finger-combed his hair and glancing at him with his big eyes. Hokuto didn’t want to be rude, but it was hard to avert his gaze. “Androgynous” must have been invented for Mr. Tuxedo, his face was a cross between handsome and pretty, but he also gave off a spiky air that suggested he was hard to approach.

Mr. Tuxedo didn't seem to care about Hokuto’s staring as he shifted his gaze back to the summer’s late sunsets. 

Hokuto sighed once more and focused his eyes on the weird fabric used for public transport. However, there must be an invisible string between them, because Hokuto stole another glance, and this time, he quickly turned away. He unfolded the tabloid and riffled the pages. The print just floated around as his mind returned to seeing a tear fall from Mr. Tuxedo. The guy must be really struggling with something more than heat exhaustion. He let out a deep breath as the train decreased speed, he looked up surreptitiously to see Mr. Tuxedo alighting at Wahroonga. 

Hokuto jolted and cursed. Another bad luck. He couldn't recall if the train skipped his stop, or he just missed it altogether.

He made it to the platform before the door closed. The newspaper was still in his hand as he glanced over to the retreating white tuxedo. 

Feb 2024

T 🩷 I G A

“I was listening to Double Z on my way here, and he said that if you’re spending V-day alone, you might as well consider joining Flame Island ,” Taiga narrated as soon as Shintaro opened his door to greet him. 

“You’re not alone today, you’re with us,” Shintaro said tearfully, pulling him for a hug and adding, “You’re the best bruv”  when his wife and his 2-year-old baby came into view.

Taiga forgot all about being single on Valentine's Day and shoved Shintaro away to carry the cutest human being he had the opportunity to call his goddaughter.

“How is my little munchkin cutie potato,” he said, burying his nose on her chest that smelled of fragrant milk. As though she understood him, she squealed with delight and pinched his cheeks, Taiga could feel her baby nails digging into his pores. 

“Stop that Kekiokolanee, your godfather and I need to do lots of cleaning.” 

Taiga rolled his eyes and looked at Kiera, Shintaro’s wife. “You really should have not let him name her.” 

“It’s nice. It’s unique,” Shintaro argued. 

“Yeah, it’s nice and unique, but wait until she starts school.” He returned Kekiokolanee to her mother as he and Shintaro headed to the garage to start their business for the day. The Morimoto family would be moving to Canberra as Shintaro got a job at a Japanese embassy. 

“I just returned here a couple of years ago and now you guys are leaving,” he said sadly, scanning the mess in the garage. It looked like Shintaro and Kiera emptied all their drawers and cupboards and chucked everything in the garage. 

“The money is too good to pass up. Plus, they agreed on how I want my vacay to be used. By the way, don’t be shy, I know that a huge chunk of our stuff would be thrown away outside, and fingers-crossed, the dumpster divers had it clean by the morning. So, if you want anything - anything - just say so and take it.”

Taiga grinned and eyed the Honda motorbike. “That one will help us in deliveries. You also have an electric scooter, right?” 

Shintaro actually looked relieved. “Take it and thanks heaps.” 

Taiga grinned again. He felt a bit shy about taking stuff from his best friend, but he made a mental note that he should at least buy Kekiokolanee her first car. 

“Are most of these yours?” Taiga spotted a tray of old Nokias, Blackberrys, and Gameboys, and he couldn’t believe they had that much. Taiga thought he hadn’t used more than 10 phones since he started having phones. There were also four metal shelves by the wall, two of which were chock-a-block with worn-out office storage boxes. 

“I say, 50/50? Kiera’s quite a hoarder, too,” said Shintaro while he started shuffling albums of CDs and DVDs, “But those boxes are her’s, she studied law until she got burnt and gave up on it.” 

“Really? Didn’t know that.” Taiga knew Shintaro met Kiera when he worked as PR for a large law firm. 

“All of those are up for grabs - I think. Do you want them?” 

Taiga frowned. “Why would I need them? Let me still check if some personal documents got misplaced.” He opened one box and scanned binders over binders. All of which were full of legal jargon that his simple mind found too hard to comprehend.

“Have some chips and soda,” said Kiera as she entered the garage.

“Uhm, thanks, but we just started,” said Taiga, he didn’t want to sound ungrateful.

“I’m famished,” Shintaro said and grabbed a handful. 

Taiga simply shook his head and opened a clear book. “Oooh, what are these clippings…Here’s Looking at You?” 

Kiera giggled and blushed while Shintaro scoffed. 

“Remember those love notes on mX?” asked Kiera.

Taiga nodded. He is familiar with the column where readers would send love notes to anyone who had caught their interest during their daily commute. Taiga’s mom would always bring home a copy and he would read it with passing fancy. Secretly, he hoped that someone would drop him a note.

“That was how she met her boyfriend - ex-boyfriend ,” muttered Shintaro, looking so unimpressed. “For real, people who send those messages are the same breed you meet on dating apps nowadays. They’re either losers, weird, have criminal histories, sex offenders, and psychopaths. There are no in-between.”

Kiera slapped Shintaro’s shoulder and Taiga shared her disgust. 

“That’s very judgy,” said Taiga. He felt offended on behalf of those who mean well. “I think most of them sounded normal and…cute.”

Shintaro wasn't easily persuaded. “If they are normal and cute, they won’t have problems asking someone out face-to-face.”

Kiera raised an eyebrow. “Tell me, did you leave a note and never got a reply?”

Taiga chuckled and teased his best mate. “I can see him doing something like that.” 

“Duh. Me? People lined up to ask me out,” Shintaro countered, “I won’t even be surprised if someone left a note for me during those years when I still didn’t have a car. I'm sure the train commuters got sad when I stopped riding it,” he added with confidence despite the reddening of his face. He pointed to the clear book on Taiga’s lap and said, “That belongs to the bin,” he finished.

“These are a lot,” said Taiga, still smiling as he flipped the covers.

“Not really,  those were just a year’s worth before the paper ended. Was it 2015 when they shut down?” 

Taiga nodded and started reading some of the ads, which according to Shintaro, were placed by losers and weirdos.

“To the goth girl with nose piercing and got off at Flemington last Sunday morning. Nice tatts, want me to do you another? — Goth boy

 

“To the cute little blonde having an opal trouble at Townhall station at 8am Tuesday, want to get on and get off sometime?” — Geoff

 

“To the stunning chick with purple leggings who got in at 8.14 Bondi Junction and off at Martin Place last Friday, I’m the guy across from you with purple tie, want to catch up?” — Purple but not Barney

 

“To the gorgeous tradie at 4.01 from Parramatta to Blacktown, want to trade numbers?” — Jessica

“Kyomo, did you come here to read that?” asked Shintaro, looking a bit miffed.

“Sorry,” said Taiga, only noticing that Kiera had gone back inside and as he rose from the floor, another note caught his eye. 

“To the guy wearing a white tux that got on at Killara to Wahroonga. We briefly met each other's eyes. Do you need someone to talk to? I’m all ears. — CFM6

Taiga’s heart raced while he read the note again. The clip is dateless but there was only one incident where he wore a white tux, and he got on at Killara to home –  his teacher’s wedding. 

His heart continued to drum, and after making sure Shintaro wasn’t looking, he took a snap of the clip. 

CFM . Every boy who went to an all-boys school at North Shore knows that abbreviation, CFM stands for “Chives, Figs, and Mortar”, a hole-in-the-wall restaurant at Hornsby, which he could only hope is still open. 

 H 🖤 K U T O

“Six years single…does that make me weird?”

“Of course not,” replied Hokuto, interlacing his fingers while finding himself distracted by Allison’s heavy-set of eyelashes. “You were in a long-term relationship that ended badly, and giving your heart a break is a logical choice.”

“But I think the dating scene has changed a lot.”

“Is that why you joined Flame Island ?”

She nodded glumly, anxiety flashing on her almost orange face from frequent suntan. “Is true love even possible here? Or do I have to settle for money at the end?” 

“Cut!” 

Allison, the Islander , was immediately attended by the make-up artist while their program director, Howard, praised her for her last line. 

“I love that question you threw in, it gives you an ‘I’m a hopeless-romantic but also a gold-digger’ vibe.”

“Ta! I thought of that line!”

Hokuto ignored their exchange of empty flattery and snatched the beach towel behind his seat to cover his bare torso. 

“Hokuto!” Howard turned to him, his hands moving as fast as his lips. “Gorgeous as always. The stoic look fits you perfectly, but can we try to look a bit - just a bit - less annoyed?”

Hokuto uncrossed his arms, revealing his naked torso. “I don’t know, maybe I’ll look more thrilled if I’m allowed to wear a bloody shirt or even a fucking tank top.”

Howard had the audacity to appear surprised at his demand. “But we’re supposed to give the viewers an island vibe.” He gestured to Allison, who was just in her string bikinis, while they chatted by the pool. 

“We’re not on Sentinel Island. We even have a pool and a mansion, why can’t I have clothes?”

“Let me talk to the wardrobe department, maybe they can give you something like a net shirt or perhaps, a lei .”

“A lei?!” He repeated, flabbergasted. “What’s next? A hula dance?” 

Howard gave him a dismissive wave and moved on before Hokuto could protest further. And after his quick talk with Allison, he returned to his assigned dressing room. Calling it a “dressing room” is being generous since his wardrobe only consisted of extremely short boardies that could pass off as boxers but waterproof. 

“After this season, I’m so done,” he muttered to his agent, who was grinning and absorbed in his phone.

“Even if they hike up your salary?” He asked, not looking-up. 

“I will still leave,” he said with finality, while he put on real clothes. 

“This show is the reason why your appointment calendar is fully-booked until winter.” 

Hokuto scoffed. “Fully-booked of women who are trying to sleep with me.” 

“No men?” 

“I’m not interested in them either. Let’s go,” he said, put on his sunnies, and left the bayside mansion.

Hokuto was lucky to get a job right after registering as a psychologist. A senior from Uni recommended him to be a guest counselor for the reality show, Flame Island . The said show is Big Brother, Survivor, Bachelorette, Bachelor, and Playboy Mansion rolled into one. The contestants, more famously called “Islanders”, would try to find their match and at the end of the season, they have a choice to remain a couple or split-up and take 50,000 dollars. When Hokuto heard about the show, he deemed it trash TV for him to even spend minutes on it, but he couldn’t say no to a senior. 

He was supposed to be a guest for only one episode since the show’s resident psychologist got COVID, and unfortunately, the said psychologist never recovered and Hokuto was asked to return for the rest of the first season. At first, he did enjoy assessing and helping a bunch of B and C-list celebrities and influencers, but he later learned that he was too naive. None of the “islanders” gave a fork about love. They were too narcissistic for love, and most were just in for sex, money, and their 5-minutes of fame. It was rightly called “Flame Island, because once the flame goes out, so do their feelings. 

However, if there was one thing - and one thing only - he was thankful for the show was that he was able to open his practice. But the main consequence of being recognized from the show was that a chunk of his clients wanted his help in fulfilling their sexual fantasies with him. And as a professional, trifling with his clients is something he would never do. 

He reached a popular place in his teens and grinned seeing how it went from a hole in the wall to a sprawling estate that even has a ranch and golf course. He parked his car next to the new CFM building and instantly spotted his two best mates as he came in.

“Jess, Juri!” 

“Is that our sexiest psychologist alive?” Juri teased. 

“Shut up!” He said with gritted teeth as he lowered himself on the seat. “I haven’t been here for ages!” He feasted his eyes around the Viking-inspired interior with wooden beams, hanging candle lanterns, chevron-printed walls, and long wooden dining tables. 

“They really ramped up this place!” He added, impressed. 

“It’s posh now and anyone under 18 should come with an adult,” said Jesse, leaning closer as though he was telling a secret.

“Blimey. All the boys' schools nearby have to find a different hangout then.”

Juri looked disgusted. “Lucky for us, because I don’t know about you guys, kids today are an absolute nightmare.”

“I’m sure your mama said the same thing about you,” said Jesse, chuckling.

“By the way, have you ordered?” asked Hokuto.

“We did,” said Juri, “I ordered your fave.”

“Double siders with chips on the side, no cheese, drizzled with dragon’s blood instead of tomato sauce,” he and Juri said together. 

“Nice of you to remember.” They fist bump and Juri added, “That’s 16.99.”

“Eh? That used to be 4.99! When did it get so exy? Kids wouldn’t be able to afford this,” he complained. 

“Granny,” said Jesse, chuckling, “Kids today get a tenner for allowance.” 

“Per week?”

Jesse cackled louder. “Per day.”

Hokuto gasped. “Either their parents are rich or mine are cheapskates. I had to beg to increase mine to a fiver when I was in Year 10!”

Juri shook his head. “Everything is more expensive nowadays.”

Hokuto agreed. “If I’m paying 16.99 for burgers, I should have had oysters instead.”

“Who goes to CFM for oysters?” asked Jesse, looking repulsed.

“They don’t have it here? I’ve been craving oysters.”

“Why would you need an aphrodisiac?” asked Juri, his smile full of malice, “Are you hooking-up with any of the Islanders?”

Hokuto ignored Juri’s teasing. “Thank you for reminding me I’m solo, but you two are not, so why are we meeting for Valentine's?”

“Love is for everyone, mate….” said Juri but the next part of his reply became white noise as something caught Hokuto’s eye. Or rather, someone. 

“Taiga.”

Hokuto felt like he was watching the first episode of Flame Island where islanders entered the mansion in slow-motion; their hair perfectly blown by the wind, their sun-kissed skin glowed under the harsh lights, and their body proportions highlighted. That was how Hokuto saw Taiga as he entered CFM, but except for Taiga’s striking looks, there was nothing else remarkable. Taiga was dressed almost the same as how he saw him again; an all-black ensemble that was loose fitting to his slender frame. 

He sat at the bar area near the entrance and whispered something to the bartender who gave him a menu. Hokuto sighed. It was hard to define his relationship with Taiga. They knew each other by name. They’ve chatted more than once. They’ve found themselves in odd or awkward situations. They’ve seen each other at their best and their worst. And they’ve done stuff Hokuto never imagined doing with Jesse and Juri. Despite all that, he couldn’t put a label on their relationship. 

The doors opened again, and a woman pushed a pram toward Taiga, before she went out in haste. Taiga broke into a smile and the room seemingly brightened. He lifted a baby from the pram and showered the baby with kisses, whose giggles reached even Hokuto.

Something trembled within Hokuto that made him hold his chest. A deep sorrowful feeling takes over. The man he once waited for 9 years ago is now a father and a husband. And just like the first time he ever saw Taiga, he could do nothing but look.

Mar 2016

  T 🩷 I G A

Never in Taiga’s life did he think there would come a day when he had to debate whether to steal something or not. 

Technically, he won’t be stealing the book. He would be just a few tables away and use it while in the library. But if someone else is using it, would that count as stealing? He looked around the busy Hargrave-Andrew Library; it was an impressive sight that the semester had just started but students were already cracking it. More seats were added to accommodate extra students since two other libraries were being renovated, and although the library looked packed, it was unbelievably hushed. 

Sighing, he checked his watch. He'd been standing at the same spot with the book he wanted and whoever had been reading it had taken a long time to return. 

“ They like colors, too ,” He observed, seeing 15 pieces of midliners of varying shades. 

“Scuse.” 

Taiga stepped back as he came face-to-face with a guy with the straightest nose he had seen on an Asian guy. Taiga thought the guy looked familiar, but he couldn’t place where he had seen him. And he couldn’t be racist with his kind by saying all Asians look alike. Or maybe, the guy looked familiar because he was what every Asian parent would be proud of - tall, good-looking, he looked obedient, probably played the piano or the violin, he’s probably good in Math, too, and since he was reading Anatomy and Physiology, he would definitely be a doctor. 

One odd thing though, the guy looked astonished upon seeing him. He even took off his glasses to scratch his eyes. And now, he just looked at him with wide-eyes.

“Uhm, sorry for standing here,” said Taiga, he was starting to grow so uncomfortable that he started doubting his sanity. The guy didn’t answer back and just stared at him in bewilderment.

“Uhm, are you done with this book?” he asked, pointing at Elaine Marieb’s Human Anatomy & Physiology, “I really need it and all the copies have been taken. I mean, there are other AnaPhysio books but this is what I preferred.”

The guy didn’t budge. Not even a blink. Taiga wondered if the guy was an international student and his accent was too thick to comprehend. 

He cleared his throat and asked slowly, “Are…you…done…with…this…book?”

Amusement flashed the guy’s face, or it might be just Taiga’s imagination as the guy resumed to his perplexed self.

He sighed and gave up. “I guess you’re not done with it. Apologies -”

“You can have it.”

“Pardon?” Taiga thought he heard a voice, but he might be mistaken because it was really small. 

The guy cleared his throat. “You can have it. I’m done with it, but had to take it back for a bit so I can copy something, and I just haven’t gotten back to returning it.”

“Ah, right.” Some people have it all, Taiga thought, the guy has a nice voice too. The type one could listen to forever even though the topic is boring. 

“Uhm, I’ll be taking it then, cheers!” 

He quickly went back to his seat. Feeling unnecessarily elated and as soon as he sat, he checked the back and saw nothing but a barcode. He bit his lip at this foolishness. He was too dumb to think that his Uni library would be like his Year 6 school library where he would deem it as fate if he saw his crush’s name as the previous borrower of the book. Not that he has a crush on the guy, he was just curious. He should have at least introduced himself before he took the book.

He glanced back and saw the guy’s seat now vacant. 

There would be another time, he guessed. 

H 🖤 K U T O

It was raining cats and dogs when Hokuto reached his flat, but he was on fire. His face was hot, and his heart thudded against his ribs, while he continued to rub his sweaty palms on his jeans. 

He locked the door of his room and sank to the floor. His string of good luck today seemed to have exceeded the bad. First, he was able to borrow the book that had always been unavailable. He found a vacant seat at such a busy library. He reached his flat before the rain fell. But the highlight of everything that Lady Luck had been blessing him with was meeting him. 

HIM. 

Mr. Tuxedo . 

The guy he foolishly left a note for at “Here’s Looking at You.” The same guy who, if he had seen his note, had stood him up and probably thought he was crazy. Well, he admits that he’s a tad unhinged for doing what he did. He even thought he was being smart by putting on CFM as a clue, because if the guy lived in Wahroonga, he might have gone to a nearby all-boys school and knew the place. 

But the past meant nothing now. Sure, it would go down as one of his most embarrassing moments that he waited for 5 straight days at CFM at 6 pm since his note was published, but no one else knew that but him. So what were the chances he would see Mr. Tuxedo again after more than a year? 

“Is this fate?” He murmured. 

“It’s not fate.”

He almost yelped when Kochi sat up from his bed. His clothes were all wrinkled as he stretched his arms over his head.

“What time is it? It was so cloudy earlier, I fell asleep,” he asked, half-speaking and half-yawning. 

Hokuto immediately checked his watch. “It’s 5.”

“Oh! I just missed my 3 pm class then,” he said casually and checked his phone, “the fuck this phone didn’t alarm. Oh - I set it for tomorrow at 3 pm. By the way, what about this fate you were talking about?”

“Fate…Fate/Stay Night…the anime?”

“Ah, I think I’ve heard about it.” 

Hokuto smiled. “It’s nice,” he lied. He never saw it either. 

Kochi made a noncommittal nod before going to the loo, and Hokuto sighed in relief. No matter how friendly Kochi was, he was still walking on eggshells around him. Maybe because Kochi wasn’t only older, he was also his Uni senior. Both of them are in the field of Psychology, the only difference is Kochi gearing up to become a psychiatrist, while Hokuto would stop at being a psychologist.

“I should have at least asked for his name,” he murmured, removing his jumper, when Kochi opened the door to the toilet, and a swishing sound spiraled down. 

“Is there a way to know who borrowed the book before or after you at the library?”

“Barcode. Just scan it,” replied Kochi as he turned on his lamp by his study table. His notes and books were all neatly lined-up, but Kochi started reading a crime novel instead. Hokuto wished he would be as chill as Kochi once he reached the fourth year of his Bachelor's. He was already struggling as a 2nd-year student, but Kochi still acted as though everything was just a walk in the park.

“Really? That easy?” 

“But, of course, you should be working at the library to gain that access. Why?” asked Kochi, tilting his head.

“Uhm, j-just curious.” He resumed stripping before heading to the showers. Now that he knew that Mr. Tuxedo went to the same Uni as him, there could be another chance their paths would cross. 

He could only hope. 

Feb 2024

 T 🩷 I G A

The moment Kekiokolanee decided to upchuck her chickpeas on him, Taiga became convinced that going to CFM for dinner was probably a bad idea. 

“Keki,” said Shintaro through clenched teeth, and Kekiokolanee flinched from her high chair. Other parents would switch to a whole name when their kid did something unacceptable, but Shintaro would revert to a nickname.

“I’m fine,” shushed Taiga, seeing her goddaughter about to cry, “She didn’t mean it.” As though Kekiokolanee understood, she gave Taiga a beaming smile even though her eyes remained teary. 

“I have another shirt in the car, I’ll get-”

“I’ll get it,” cut Taiga and Shintaro reluctantly hands him his car keys, “I’m just going to get the shirt, I’m not going to drive it.”

Everything seemed to have gone wrong when he decided to head to Chives, Figgs, and Mortar. The 9-year-old "love note” had been a huge factor, or maybe because it's Valentine's Day and he felt an ounce of self-pity for spending another year alone. 

It was hard for him to explain and he couldn’t tell Shintaro either after what he said about the kinds of people who sent those notes. But after years of thinking that he had become indifferent, the note stirred something in him. He couldn’t even name it, but it made him feel a bit alive. It made him feel human. The note lit the vast darkness in him, slowly waking up what he thought had died.

However, it remained true that it had been 9 years. What the heck was he expecting? Was he expecting the person who sent the note to be stupid enough to keep returning to the same spot every year? Taiga was mad to even think of that. If the person actually did something like that, he wouldn’t see it as romantic, he would see it as madness. An obsession. Someone he should avoid rather than entertain.

And one thing was for sure, people changed and feelings changed. Even CFM has changed drastically. It was no longer the place his mom warned him not to go or he might get food poisoning - if poisonous spiders and venomous snakes won’t get to him first. Now, the place is even full of adults of various sexes. Some were there with a group, or for a date, and it was no longer a boys’ hang out with a secret code. Besides, CFM could mean differently to the person who left the note, it could have been their initials. Six could also mean 6 inches or 6 feet. He would never know.   

“You’re mad, just mad. You rejected those blind dates your mom set-up for you, but you would show up to a stupid ad - 9 bloody years later!” He gave himself a sniff as he finished changing. When he was satisfied that he no longer smelled of chickpeas and stomach acid, he chucked his soiled clothes to the bin. He checked his reflection while he washed his hands, he was pleased to see that the tinted sunscreen he used was giving his skin some badly-needed color, and he also couldn’t help but smirk while reading the print on his shirt, “Kekiokolanee’s Papa”. 

The door opened and the smirk on his face changed to surprise. “Hokuto,” he called the name like a memory he wanted to cherish but needed to forget.  

Hokuto seemed equally surprised. “T-Taiga.” 

He quickly dried his hands and continued as casually as possible, “I didn’t think I would run into you here. But yeah - I’ve seen you on the telly so you’re definitely in Sydney.” He just downplayed it, when in truth, Flame Island was his guilty pleasure. 

Hokuto smiled shyly. The same Hokuto who once looked so reserved and bashful around him. Seeing Hokuto was like seeing that 9-year-old love note - a chance he’d passed up and now it was too late.

“So, uhm…” he trailed off, Hokuto’s eyes were on his shirt. “What are you looking at - ?”

“Your daughter has a nice name.” 

“Your Daughter? Oh! You see-” 

The door opened again, and due to limited space, Hokuto was pushed toward him, and Taiga’s flimsy athleticism wasn’t able to stop the force until he was backed to the cubicle where he just changed his shirt. 

A heart-throbbing kabedon moment. And every frayed nerve in his body slowly waking-up.

Hokuto’s almond eyes remained stunned, while Taiga’s hands stayed on his pecs. And all he could say was the muscles he saw on the telly were definitely real.

“Sorry,” said whoever pushed them, sounding irritated before they heard locking sounds.

“What’s that smell?” asked Hokuto, pinching his God-sculpted nose. 

Taiga took a quick sniff, it was definitely coming from his soiled shirt in the bin. 

“I - I don’t smell anything,” he said with a straight face, “Anyway, nice seeing you again. I guess I’ll see you around.” He quickly stepped away from the scene of the crime and relief flooded in him as soon as his surroundings smelled of freshly-cooked food. 

Meeting Hokuto that way was like a blueprint, it was embedded in their DNA. If there’s meet-cute, theirs will always be meet-awkward or meet-cringe. 

He found himself smiling as he reached his “daughter”. Kekiokolanee smiled sweetly at him while she smeared chocolate on her face. 

“Something happened?” asked Shintaro, “You looked happy.”

Taiga just shrugged, it was nice to feel genuinely happy for a change and he wondered, would he get another awkward meeting with Hokuto to correct his mistake? 

 H 🖤 K U T O 

Hokuto hadn’t drank coffee, but his heart wouldn’t relax. Being that close to Taiga sent him spiraling to his past self, his past emotions, and everything else he thought he had forgotten. 

The meeting in the loo wasn’t an accident, Hokuto really went there because not only did he want to see Taiga, but he also wanted to see how Taiga would react upon seeing him. Taiga, as expected, was chill and all, and Hokuto thought he would be fine, but hours later, he did nothing but create fake scenarios in his head. 

“He already has a family, idiot, what are you even thinking - or worse hoping?” He chided himself while he prepared Luke’s dinner. 

Luke, his 7-year-old Saluki, looked at him with utmost concern.

“I’m overthinking for nothing, am I not?”

Luke’s right ear perked up, as though saying, “Yes!”

“I need to empty my mind.” He placed Luke’s meal before heading to his favorite part of his home - his “Mind Alcove”. 

His alcove was a half-circle space between his dining room and living-room. The realtor said that the space was made for an indoor fountain because it’s good feng-shui but they forgot to add plumbing so it never materialized. Hokuto decided to transform it into his relaxing space by adding a round bed, his favorite Chiikawa plushie, an embedded bookshelf to hold his favorite comfort books, and various hanging plants by his pane windows. But the main attraction of his favorite corner is the view. On nights when his mind is in chaos, the serene Rose Bay provides him the much-needed pause to refocus. He opened the windows, the humid air activating every sweat gland of his body, as he let out a deep sigh. 

“Empty your mind…focus on your breathing…inhale…exhale….om…om….om….”

Luke is done with his meal, he can hear him slurping water from his bowl. 

“...om….om…Taiga really has pretty eyes…empty your mind…inhale…and exhale…om…om…”

He could hear a baby crying from a distance. Or he thinks it’s a baby, it could be a lyrebird mimicking a baby.

“...om…his wife is also pretty from a distance, and the other guy with them with thick necklaces looks familiar, and he looks pretty close to Taiga’s wife. Are they siblings? They might be siblings. What am I thinking….inhale…exhale….om…om…”  

His phone started ringing and on cue, Luke started barking. He opened one eye and put it on silent. Kochi can wait, his chaotic mind will not, and Luke stopped barking.

“ ...om…om…Taiga’s eyes are really dangerous territory, I should have not looked into it…om…oh fuck!” He swiped to green as the buzzing began irritating him. 

“This better be important,” he muttered with a sigh, foregoing niceties. His relationship with Kochi has drastically changed since Kochi graduated and when Kochi married one of Hokuto’s best mates. Nowadays, Hokuto can confidently talk back and be sarcastic with Kochi. 

Kochi chuckled at the other line. “Cranky, are we? This is what happens when you’re single on Valentine’s.”

“Shut up - what do you want?” 

“I want to refer-” 

“If it's another blind date, I refuse!” He interjected, his tone shrilly.

Kochi scoffed. “Blind date? Are you serious? Do you think I would send another poor soul to you after you stood up three amazing people I got for you?”

Hokuto didn’t feel an ounce of guilt as he cleared his throat. “Well, I can’t help it if something comes up.”

“Oh, you mean like an overseas psychology conference you decided to attend at the last minute?” 

“I thought I would be too busy for that, but surprise, I got a vacancy in my calendar after all,” he reasoned-out when in reality, it was really last minute and the price of his flight from Sydney to Dallas was astronomically high.

“Or what about the time you overslept because you were too hungover?”

“Not my fault everyone was a hard drinker at the Island, I even thought I would be a goner.” Again, a lie. He didn’t even drink much and spent his day playing suika . 

“Or the time you had a dog emergency, because you thought Luke might be a she?”

Hokuto gasped, this was the only truth out of all his excuses. “I swear, I had no idea male dogs also have more than two nipples!” He looked at Luke, who was too absorbed in biting his nightly treat of dental sticks.

“You can rest easy, this isn’t a blind date,” said Kochi, sounding impatient, “I want to refer a patient.”

Hokuto sighed. A referral from Kochi isn’t a referral but an order. 

“Name? Case?”

“About that…” Kochi paused and Hokuto listened to a bit of rustling. God forbid, Kochi wasn’t making orders post-sex. That’s eeew. 

“I was wondering if you could observe and talk to him for a bit.”

Hokuto sighed. “Whose life are you meddling again?” 

“It’s not meddling,” said Kochi defensively. He was the type to diagnose everyone he passed-by and had the habit of handing out his business card to everyone he thought needed his help.

“He really needs help. You can try talking to him and see if you’ll take his case.” 

He sighed once more. He trusts Kochi’s judgment more than his own. “Where can I see him?” 

“Sydney Fish Market.”

“Oh cool, I was craving oysters.”

“Are you mocking me-”

“No, I’m serious. I really want to buy some oysters. He works at the fish market?”

“Yes. They ran a sushi place called ‘Kyomoto’s’.”

His heart skipped a beat, or more like, stop. “Kyomoto’s?”

“Right, and the man I want you to check is Taiga Kyomoto.” 

He dropped his phone on the bed and the crying from the distance grew louder. There’s no chance his mind will be empty tonight. 

Mar 2016

 T 🩷 I  G  A

Taiga was on his third open souvlaki when the unexpected happened. At first, he and his flatmates didn’t think much of the shouting they heard, it was the Moomba Festival after all, and some people could get a bit rowdy. Until the shouting started resembling a battle-cry, and people were running in their direction with confused and terrified looks on their faces. 

He and his two flatmates exchanged fearful glances, before scrambling to save their necks as some blood-curling energy grew nearer. Taiga was freaking-out, but he couldn’t leave his food and frantically brought his open souvlaki with him. He regretted not ordering it as a wrap, and he couldn’t believe he was thinking about food when his flatmates were no longer within his reach because he was too slow, too busy eating a chip, and too busy looking back at what was the commotion about in the first place. 

Then, his gluttony became his downfall. It was too late to think what tripped him. He didn’t even want to admit he might have tripped himself, his lamb souvlaki scattered in the air, and as he landed on the ground, all he managed to save was a triangular cut of pita.

“ I’m fucked. ”

This must be what dinosaurs felt after the asteroid hit the earth, something unfathomable happened but they had no idea, the landscape changed and their body grew weak. He struggled to stand; people ran everywhere, and some jumped over him. He also scraped his knee, it stung and made him wince from merely taking a step. There was also a change in the air, something spicy and peppery hovered, he began sneezing uncontrollably, and even opening his eyes became a challenge when he felt someone’s strong arms around his shoulders.

“Over here.”

The voice sounded familiar, but the touch was not. 

“Is that you Yarn?” He asked, pertaining to his taller flatmate.

The man didn’t answer, or maybe he answered but the whistles became louder. He didn’t know how short the walk was, but the air became cooler, and soon, he heard the gushing of water. 

“They sprayed something in the air, go wash your eyes.”

The man guided his hands toward the faucet, holding them gently as though Taiga’s hands were fine china.

“Is the water too hot?”

“It's fine,” said Taiga, letting the water run down the tip of his fingers before scrubbing his face hard until he could open his eyes again. His eyes and nose were red.

“Here’s some paper towels-”

“You? The guy from the library?” asked Taiga while water dripped down his chin.

The man smiled shyly, his eyes and nose were also a bit red. “Yep, Hokuto, by the way.” 

Taiga smiled back. “Taiga - nice to see you again, Hokuto.”

A slight blush crept on his cheeks and handed him the towels.

“Where are we?” He asked, while patting his face dry. The room looked like a small pantry, several plates were being dried out on the sink, and on the table was a glass of red wine. 

“South of Swanson St. I work here.”

“On a holiday?”

Hokuto shrugged. “It’s Moomba so there will definitely be customers. We closed earlier, but we decided to look around, then, our manager treated us to dinner when we heard some commotion. What happened out there?” 

Taiga shook his head. “I have no idea either. I thought I was going to get crushed by the crowd.”

“I think the police used pepper spray.”

“Oh! So that’s that smell! Uhm, thank you for saving me out there.” 

His ears turned red. “No worries. By the way, you were holding onto this.” He took something from his pocket and Taiga didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. It was his fucking pita. He began to wonder if he was really afraid of getting crushed, or was he afraid his only surviving pita would get crushed?

He sighed and took the pita from Hokuto. 

“Why don’t you sit first?”

“Huh?” He let Hokuto guide him to the nearest stool before he opened a few drawers and took out a red pouch with a cross. 

“You scraped your knee.”

“Oh…yeah.” Hokuto knelt in front of him, and before he could stop Hokuto, he began cleaning his wound. A curious warmth spread all over him, finding himself deeply perplexed while he watched Hokuto. 

“All done,” said Hokuto, placing a square band-aid. He looked-up and Taiga averted his gaze. He munched on his pita, unsure why he felt so self-conscious toward another man.

“T-thanks.”

Hokuto simply smiled and reorganized the kit. 

“Uhm, if it’s still open, do you want some souvlaki?” asked Taiga. He had no idea why he made the invite. Part of him was just being nice and grateful, but part of him wanted to explore that curiosity.

Hokuto looked back with disbelief, he was probably wondering how Taiga could still think of food. But Hokuto smiled and nodded.

Taiga smiled, too, letting his gluttony be his downfall again. 

 H 🖤 K U T O

They didn’t get to eat souvlaki. The Greek place closed because of the chaos, rumored as a clash between two gangs. Hokuto and Taiga walked in silence to Flinders St to take the train to Huntingdale. The platform was filled with commuters who must have also attended the festival. The celebratory mood was gone and everyone just looked exhausted; they started resembling zombies. He turned to look at Taiga, green veins were very visible underneath his pale skin. Hokuto thought he had too much good luck today, and he wouldn’t be surprised if this train ride would be his own “Train to Busan”.

The train pulled in, and everyone scurried to find seats, all eager to go home. 

Hokuto sighed as soon as he sat. All the adrenaline that built up upon seeing Taiga and bringing him to safety was starting to crash. 

“I’m really sorry,” said Taiga, who sat beside him. 

“What are you sorry for?”

“Didn’t you just sigh?”

Hokuto smiled. “It’s not about you, I’m just…tired.”

“Because of me,” Taiga insisted.

“No, it’s really not you,” he insisted back and added for good measure, “It had been a long day, there were lots of shoppers earlier, but they mostly gawked at the clothes, and won’t buy anything.” 

“Okay,” said Taiga, still looking unconvinced, “By the way, your job is quite far from the Uni.”

“Ah that, I used to study Fashion Design and Marketing and when my then-professor learned that I would be moving here, he recommended me there.”

“Fashion Design? That’s so cool!” said Taiga and his eyes practically lit up. “I don’t know anything about fashion - as you can see.”

“Nah, you’re good,” he retorted. Not because he was biased or anything, but Taiga’s loose white tee and plaid shorts might not be that flattering, add that he bought his clothes 2 sizes larger than his frame, and a fedora didn’t compliment his look. But if one looked past all that and just concentrated on his pretty face, nothing really mattered. 

“So you’re just…nice?” asked Taiga.

“I’m not.”

“Uhm, you just want to flatter me?” 

Hokuto chuckled. “I’m being factual, you look…” He trailed off, looking Taiga from head to toe.

“I looked…?”

“Great.”

Taiga almost snorted. “You’re definitely lying.” 

“I’m really not.” 

“Uh-huh, let’s just say I believe you. So, you changed majors?” 

Hokuto nodded. “I’m taking up Psychology now.”

Taiga’s lips formed an o. “Quite a jump.” 

He agreed and nodded. “It is.” 

“You said you moved here, where are you from?” 

“Sydney.”

Taiga was immediately floored. Hokuto felt tense when Taiga grabbed his hand, clasping it tightly as though they were making a pact. 

“I’m from Sydney too,” he said, looking so grateful one would think that Taiga was being dramatic. Hokuto is aware that there’s a bit of animosity between Melbourne and Sydney, but he didn’t think Taiga is - in any way - being discriminated against for being a Sydneysider.

“I kn - nice!” He almost said, “I know”. Nevertheless, he decided to test the waters. “Uhm, I went to North Star Academy, how about you?”

Taiga covered his mouth in disbelief. “I know that! I went to an all-boys school as well, Great Shore Grammar.” 

“Ah, your uniform was the one with a pink checkered tie, right?”

“Right! Our school mascot used to be the Pink Panther,” said Taiga, “Until someone complained that the Pink Panther is copyrighted so we became Pink Flamingos instead.”

“Ahhh,” he mumbled. He didn’t want to add that his mates made fun of their school mascot the last time they attended an Athletics Championships. “Uhm, did you also hang-out at CFM?” 

“Defo!” He replied eagerly. “Did we see each other there? Because I thought you looked familiar when we met at the library.” 

Hokuto tried not to look too happy. Taiga thought of him as familiar and as shallow as it might be, that soared his spirits. 

“But probably not,” Taiga continued, “It’s quite far so we only go there like once a month. I think I haven’t been there since I graduated Year 12.” 

Taiga’s statement was like an answer to what had been bugging him. Taiga had never gone back to CFM, and Hokuto’s mX posts back then were either ignored or never seen. 

The train started to drop speed as they reached Huntingdale Station. As the majority of train commuters were students like them, Bus 601 became filled instantly. Taiga and he stood side-by-side, and disappointment could be seen in Hokuto’s reflection. He’d been telling himself it didn’t matter if Taiga never saw his note, what mattered was they were now literally speaking to each other and wasn’t that what he wanted? 

“Uhm, do you stay on campus?” asked Taiga, still looking high that he met someone akin to a comrade.

“South East Flats,” he replied, wondering if Kochi was at their flat. 

Taiga nodded. “Not that far from mine, do you want to come over?”

The disappointment on his face receded and was replaced with a delicious assumption. “Are you sure? But we've only just met.”

Taiga still looked elated, unperturbed by his sally. “Of course! We’re both from the North Shore, we’re basically brothers, and…” Taiga leaned closer and whispered, “I have an amazing stash of noodles.”

Hokuto hoped the grimy bus floor would just swallow him whole. The words “brothers” and “noodles” kept banging his head, giving him a much-needed whiplash to wake himself up. 

He and his dirty mind. “Sure, why not.” 

They reached Clayton campus and as soon as they got down, a red-haired woman jumped at Taiga and kissed him fiercely right there and then. Some commuters ogled, others hooted, and even the bus driver honked his horn. Meanwhile, Hokuto stood like a stone, and absurdly wished he suffered from some kind of dissociative amnesia.

It was Taiga who broke the kiss, his face suggested he found the sudden display of public affection quite awkward. But the woman seemed oblivious.

“I was so worried!” She exclaimed in an accent Hokuto didn’t quite know where to place. “Yarn and Shaun went home without you. Me gave them all a whack in their tiny heads, how dare they leave you there?! Are you okay?” She asked, circling Taiga like a hawk. 

“I’m okay,” said Taiga, still looking a bit in a daze as he remembered that Hokuto was with him, “By the way, this is the person who saved my life, Hokuto.” 

Hokuto wished he remained a non-living thing at that moment, but he came back to life when Taiga linked his arm to him. 

“Hokuto, meet my girlfriend, Ailsa.”

Ailsa had the same “amaze face” as Taiga earlier, her green eyes turned a darker shade of emerald. “Thanks for saving me boyfriend,” she said and without preamble, she kissed both of Hokuto’s cheeks. 

“You’re god-sent.”

“He is,” agreed Taiga, “so we’re sharing him with our ramen stash.”

Ailsa agreed with such an odd determination on her face. “If he wants our flat, we give it as well.”

“Uhm-” His phone rang and Hokuto wanted to kneel and thank the queen for this grace. He quickly answered his phone and acted as though the other line was in an emergency. But it was Kochi, checking if he was okay since he heard the news of what happened downtown. 

“Wait for me, don’t do anything rash, I’ll be there immediately,” he said.

“What the fuck are you talking about?” muttered Kochi and Hokuto ended the call quickly and looked at Taiga and Ailsa’s expectant and frightened faces.

“What happened?” asked Taiga. 

“It’s nothing, really, just a friend who was…dumped so badly he was thinking of ending everything.”

They both gasped.

“I really need to go, he needs moral support.”

Taiga eagerly nodded. “The ramen can wait, go, I hope your friend will be alright.”

“Bye, nice meeting you, Ailsa.”

He turned around, and increased his pace until he broke out to a run. His good luck for today had run out, and he had to tire himself out so he wouldn’t have time to dwell on his stupidity.

No one was really dumped, just someone who’s really dumb. 

Feb 2024

 T 🩷 I G A

Finishing 300 episodes in 2 weeks is a feat Taiga is proud of. Not that anyone cared about his One Piece obsession, except those who were obsessed as well. But it’s 2024 and most One Piece fans had long finished the episodes he just started watching. Even if he found other fans, he doubted they could be as enthusiastic as he is now. Although One Piece would remain special to any fan, that excitement of watching a new episode was probably lost on them. There were times Taiga regretted not starting the series earlier, but if he thought deeply about it, he never thought he would be turning 30 and catching-up to an anime.

He increased the volume when he heard someone wailing. There must be some kind of baby boom in his neighbourhood that he could hear cries almost everywhere, and he thought his walls were supposedly soundproof, or that the economy was bad.

He lazily checked his phone when it buzzed. It was an email from their strata manager, informing everyone that due to some internal issues, all residents must bring their rubbish to Camellia for disposal. He groaned and kicked his feet in the air, the thought of walking uphill to Camellia already drained him. 

“What would Luffy do?” He asked himself as Luffy in Gear Second stands on screen. “Do I need to ask? It sucks that he rarely complains.”

He forced himself out of his couch, which also doubled as his bed from the past nights of his One Piece marathon. He paused the show and dragged himself to empty his bin, as well as picked up two more bags he left by his door. 

“Why do main characters have to be goody-two shoes?” He murmured as he left his apartment.

The “Garden Homes” consisted of four 2-storey apartment buildings. Taiga lives in Hyacinth, the first building and on the bottom of the hill, it’s followed by Cornelia, Basil, and on top is Camellia. The residents of the hot pink building are not just lucky for not having to throw their trash elsewhere, Taiga heard that they have an obstructed view of the beach, while Taiga had to content himself with a view of another residential place. Not that he cared much about views, he couldn’t remember when was the last time he pulled up his blinds. 

He reached Camellia and quickly threw his sacks of rubbish in the designated bin. The uphill walk and muggy night leave him oozing with sweat, a small price for the majestic view of CBD. Growing up in the suburbs, he always craved to live closer to the city, but now that he is in the city, he can no longer appreciate it. It was like him starting One Piece in 2024, he felt too old and too late to enjoy it with anyone else but himself.

The downhill walk was definitely easier and the breeze showed a bit of mercy. He opened his phone’s gallery to check the 9-year-old Here’s Looking at You post, and just like One Piece, the post came too late for him. The sender had definitely moved on, leaving Taiga to wonder what the person saw in him during that train ride. But one thing was sure: whatever CFM6 saw in him, that person was gone. Taiga was nothing but a remnant of his past self. 

His steps grew lighter, almost skipping as his purple apartment came into view. He could live another week to add more episodes to his One Piece marathon as he hummed “Crazy Rainbow”. He just took another step when a strong force pulled him, making him twirl and drop his phone, and he found himself wrapped in someone else’s arms. 

“Hokuto,” he said in a sing-song voice as though he was still humming “Crazy Rainbow”.

“The fuck are you in the middle of the road, mate?” someone hollered followed by a powerful thrust of an engine. 

Taiga swallowed hard. His heart pounded as hard as the car’s engine, while his body tensed just by looking at Hokuto’s eyes. It was like how Luffy looked at Rob Lucci earlier; the intensity was enough to make him quiver. 

“What are you doing in the middle of the road?” asked Hokuto. Taiga could detect simmering anger from Hokuto while his hold on his arms might cut his blood flow.

Taiga shook his head. He had no idea he strayed from the footpath. “I-I didn’t realize I was in the middle of the road.” 

“Really, Taiga?” Hokuto cocked an eyebrow and his tone was almost threatening. “The car’s engines can be heard a mile away and you just casually stepped in the middle of the road?” 

“I didn’t hear it,” he insisted and ramped his bravado, “And what is it you’re suggesting?”

He watched the muscles on Hokuto’s face make tiny movements, as though he was having a battle within him. Taiga didn’t even dare to breathe, but he didn’t avert his eyes either. Hokuto sighed and loosened his hold on him. 

A phone rang, and a dog barked fiercely, and that was when Taiga saw a slender giant dog beside Hokuto. 

“Quiet, Luke!” muttered Hokuto, “Hold him for me.” Taiga took the leash from him and he could only follow him with his eyes as he picked up his ringing phone in the middle of the road. 

“The corner top screen cracked,” said Hokuto, handing him his phone and a “missed call” prompt on the screen. 

“T-thanks,” he mumbled, “Uhm, I lived there,” he added, pointing to the purple building.

“I lived in Camellia,” said Hokuto. 

“Oh…so we’re practically neighbors.” 

“Uh-huh, I’ll walk you home,” said Hokuto, not sparing him another glance as he crossed the road. Like a kindergarten in need of help. He could tell he angered Hokuto, but he could also do nothing but stare at his apartment’s building, its name embossed on a gold plate by the concrete fence, Hyacinth. 

“Go in,” said Hokuto, still not looking at him.

“Do you know what Hyacinth means?” 

Hokuto scowled, still looking pissed as he asked, “Why do I need to know that? Go inside,” He ordered like a dad telling his son that he’s grounded.

He sighed once more. “Okay, uhm, thank you.” 

He slowly walked to his apartment complex, his hands balled to fists, while a thousand things ran through his mind. He glanced back to the gate before he went up to his flat, and Hokuto was no longer there. 

“It meant seeking forgiveness,” he murmured to no one. He was sorry for a lot of things. He was sorry to a lot of people, but most of all, he was sorry to Hokuto.

Because in that split second, he really wished that the car just ran him over.

 H 🖤 K U T O

“I can’t do it.”

Kochi looked up, frowning. “You’ve given this a lot of thought?”

“I didn’t even sleep thinking about it.” He sat on the lone blue reclining chair and propped his feet up on the ottoman. “You have no idea how much I think this through. Even Luke couldn’t sleep because I kept tossing and turning.”

“Care to tell me how you arrived at the conclusion that you don’t want to see Taiga Kyomoto?” 

Hokuto glanced at Kochi, who had resumed writing on notes, before scanning Kochi’s therapy office. Unlike his clinic where he opted for minimalism and neutral shades, Kochi’s clinic looked like some chic room of a beachfront property that was featured in Belle magazines. The walls were yellow and lacquered, chairs were upholstered in royal blue velvet, and a digital fireplace opposite him created a relaxing and hypnotic ambience. 

He held his gaze at the fireplace, the digital flames moved like fingers stroking his chin, tempting him to spill his secrets. “I actually know Taiga.” 

“You do?” asked Kochi without looking up. 

“I first saw him on the train 9 years ago. T1 bound to Berowra. He looked sad, and thought he might need someone to talk to, so I left a note for Here’s Looking at You in mX that night. Don’t judge.” 

“Sorry, occupational hazard. And I know you know him. I’ve seen you together on campus.”

Hokuto sat up straight. “So you offered me this while knowing that?”

“Well…I didn’t know you’ve liked him for so long-”

“Hold it! I didn’t say anything about liking him.”

Kochi scoffed. “People don’t leave ads in mX for platonic stuff.” 

“But I was really just concerned about him,” he insisted.

“And this is why you are rejecting my offer to see him?”

Hokuto opened his mouth and hesitated. “Wouldn’t this count as a dual relationship? That’s unethical.”

“Are you friends?” 

He knew Kochi’s question wasn’t meant to antagonize him, but it did hurt him. “It’s hard to say, uhm, acquaintances? That is still within the bounds.”

Kochi made a show of thinking about it, but Hokuto had this nagging suspicion that it was all an act. Kochi knew all about him and Taiga, even though Hokuto never told him anything. Kochi might even know things that he didn’t know about. That made Kochi a force to be reckoned with in their field, he knows when one is lying, and he also knows when one is withholding something. 

“Point taken,” he said after a while.

Hokuto sighed. “Thank you.”

“I wouldn’t want you to lose your registration for falling for your client-”

“Why are you thinking that way?” 

Kochi just smirked and it annoyed the hell out of him.

“By the way,” he continued, clearing his throat, “W-what’s the deal with Taiga?” 

Kochi’s eyes glinted with mischief. “Why don’t you ask him - as an acquaintance?” 

Hokuto cleared his throat again, focusing on the fake fireplace rather than Kochi’s teasing smile. 

“I saw him last night…” He recalled when he headed out to throw his trash and walk Luke, “...I don’t want to assume but -” 

“But you’ve already made an assumption and perhaps a conclusion?” Kochi finished for him.

“There was a speeding car last night. The hoon’s engines were practically roaring, you can hear it a mile away, but for some reason, Taiga just went ahead and stepped in its direction.”

He observed Kochi’s face for any reaction but it remained blank. 

“You think he purposely did that?”

Hokuto just nodded, clasping his hands as the fear he felt last night manifested in cold sweats along with tightening in his stomach.

“I see,” said Kochi, drumming a pen on his table. 

“Uhm, so, are you going to tell me-”

“No,” he said with finality. 

Hokuto sighed, groaning.

“He never replied?” asked Kochi.

“Hmmm?”

“Taiga. Did he not reply to your looking for you ad?”

Hokuto shook his head. It had been 9 years, and even though he and Taiga became ‘acquaintances’, he was still disappointed. He felt like something went missing back then, and it remained missing at the moment.

“Are you disappointed?”

“Duh, it’s been nine years,” he strongly denied, which made Kochi raise an eyebrow. 

“You’ve also never told Taiga about it?”

“Why should I?” This is where his dilemma lies. He was disappointed Taiga stood him up 9 years ago, but he also didn’t want Taiga to find out what he did 9 years ago. 

Further questioning from Kochi was avoided when his phone rang. He even began suspecting that Kochi had started diagnosing him, if he hadn’t already.

“Can I take it here? It’s my secretary.” 

“Go ahead.”

“Hello, Lindsay?... What?” He rose from the chair, looking distraught. “Who is running amok?”

Kochi also looked alert from watching him.

“...and where is he now?”

His eyes widened at Kochi, while his face went a shade paler than pale. “At Kyomoto’s in Sydney Fish Market?”

“What?!” Kochi mouthed. 

“Okay. I’m on my way.”

“What happened?”

“A patient of mine is assumed to be having a psychotic episode and is now brandishing a knife - at Kyomoto’s of all places!”

Kochi got up and took his coat. “I’ll go with you.”

Hokuto nodded, his entire being consumed once more with fear, while he silently pleaded to anyone who could hear him, “Please, don’t let anything bad happen to Taiga.”

April 2016

 T 🩷 I G A

Taiga had a love-hate relationship with the rain. He likes the chill but hates wet. At his Uni, rain is a common denominator of most hair-rising urban legends. The urban legends weren’t even that good, most were borderline dumb made to scare students and dissuade them from going out late. 

But there was one urban legend that stuck to his mind, The Jumping Lady . 

According to the legend, it was also raining that day. The wind howled like the wolves and the overcast added another layer of gloom. One particular class was going on as usual, which meant that half the class weren’t even paying attention as they’d rather snuggle in bed while the rain pitter-pattered on their window. As time wore off and fog covered the grounds, one female student walked to the corner window and jumped to her death. The entire class fell into stunned silence, some might even thought they were only dreaming, and everyone was held in a trance until a piercing scream rang from below. 

Since then, every time it rained and a fog covered the grounds, one could see a ghost jumping from the window of the Pharmacy Building. The building underwent renovations during the noughties, and whoever approved the exterior plan must be tripping. Out of all the plans, they approved the one with an origami-like steel facade, and probably as a joke, the infamous suicide spot was not only not covered, but it was also painted with chrysanthemums, which symbolized grief.

“Excuse me…”

Taiga almost jumped from his seat, his heart cart-wheeling better than him as he looked-up at the woman with lilac hair and chrysanthemum-printed shirt.

“...sorry for startling you,” she said, not looking sorry at all, while she chewed gum, “but we’ll be closing in 30 minutes so borrow those books if you still need them.” 

Taiga swallowed hard. “Okay.”

The woman left and he let out a long sigh, he looked through the window, and the rain continued to lash hard. 

“It’s just a dumb urban legend, you’ll be fine,” he convinced himself as he left the library. 

A thin layer of fog settled in, and whichever way he went, he would have to pass by the Pharmacy Building. He opened his umbrella and walked as fast as he could, his shoes and pants wet in no time, while he kept his eyes peeled straight ahead. 

“Don’t look to your right, don’t look to your right,” he repeated like a mantra as he neared the building. There were several rumors about why the woman chose to self-exit, but one stood out; she and her professor had an illicit affair. She got pregnant, but the man broke it off with her, and thus, she killed herself during his class. 

“Stop thinking about it,” Taiga chided himself. He increased his pace, and when he thought he was safe, a hair-rising shriek rang in his ears followed by the shattering sound of a glass. He didn’t have time to look for the source of the sound. He ran to the nearest building he could see, the Aquatic Center. He ignored the sign that said, “Close for water treatment”, and went ahead to the shower area, the only open but covered room he could find. He crouched on the plastic bench inside, it was wet and smelled of chlorine, but he didn’t care, he was scared shitless.  

“What the fuck was that? Was that even real? ” His heart could very well be in his throat while his shaking fingers composed a plea for help to his girlfriend when he heard another sound. It was much closer to where he was. It was as though they were whispering right in his ear. 

He covered his mouth with his hands, afraid his mere breathing could be heard. 

“Is that another ghost?”

The shower area is dark save for the pin light at the last cubicle. He tried to concentrate despite the pounding of his chest when he heard it again. It was like a whimper, like a groan.

“Is someone…hurt? ”

He dropped his ghost theory and bravely walked to the last cubicle. He thought the shower was just turned on, and before he could call to anyone, the shower curtain slightly parted, and Taiga was relieved to see someone familiar. 

“Hok-”

The curtain parted wider, and Taiga’s relief changed to confusion upon seeing someone familiar and popular on the campus. His girlfriend has a huge crush on the swimming superstar everyone nicknamed “The Eagle” because his arm length was as long as the wingspan of an eagle.

“They were showering together, even though there were a lot of empty cubicles?”

“I’ll go ahead,” The Eagle said to Hokuto, and Taiga might as well be invisible. 

Taiga tried his best to keep his eyes on Hokuto’s face, but it was hard when his eyes would rather follow the droplets that fell from Hokuto’s hair, and down to his lean abs where a damp towel barely covered anything below. And for a while, they both stood like a stone, both of them wet for different reasons. One looked like a Greek god, the other a geek who got rained on. 

Taiga was the first to recover. “Uhm, I thought someone was hurt.” He knew how dumb that sounded before he could finish it. Between them, it looked like Taiga was the one in pain.

“Uhm, I’ll - I’ll go ahead, too,” he added and he just reached the bench when Hokuto spoke.

His voice was almost pleading. “Please, don’t tell anyone-”

“I won’t,” he said, glancing back, “You can trust me on that. I still owe you ramen, drop by when you’re free.”

“Thank you,” his voice was full of relief and Taiga wished he could hug Hokuto, but he didn’t want to make things more awkward. 

Two days later, the school paper “The Chronicles” released a special issue of their “April Fools Prank” and the students they managed to scare near the Pharmacy Building. One of the Top 5 with “Best Reactions” is Taiga.

 H 🖤 K U T O

Hokuto absolutely loves the rain. People usually associate rain with bad luck, even the saying, “When it rains, it pours” became linked to bad luck when good things could also pour like rain. But with Hokuto’s luck, something good happens every time it rains. It rained once and he met Gavin aka The Eagle. The attraction between them was immediate, just one look and Hokuto’s throat turned dry. It rained another and they started rooting; quickie in Gavin’s Residence Hall, and long sex when the pool was closed for cleaning. It rained again, they fucked, and Hokuto thought his luck had been reversed as they got caught. 

Hokuto never denied his sexuality, but he wasn’t that open yet where he would attend a Pride march or take Eurovision seriously. So it was so incredulous that out of all the people who would see him after his donut got glazed, why did it have to be Taiga? 

“If he won’t reciprocate, don’t cooperate,” was Kochi’s advice to Hokuto when he told him his woes. Gavin is also like an eagle on the bed. He wanted to stay on top and refused to go down on him. And Hokuto never felt so used. He knew their relationship didn’t start with innocence or in “love at first sight” fashion, but he didn’t expect it to be anything but sex. 

His phone buzzed, he stole a glance at his professor, before checking the message from Gavin. 

“Got a chubb right now, gobby? Hall.”  

He sighed. Some would argue that he shouldn’t be complaining when one of the most popular guys on the campus wanted him this much. 

“Class,” he replied.  

Gavin’s reply was immediate and he could feel the radiating anger from his message, “You’re saying no?”

“No.” He sent back. 

“Your loss.”

He tried to maintain a straight face when he was seething inside, while his professor roamed the class. His loss?! That was all Gavin had to say when Hokuto was literally busting his arse each time they met. He scoffed and shoved his phone into his bag. Kochi was right, if Gavin won’t reciprocate, he shouldn’t cooperate. 

His class ended and saw there were 6 missed calls from Gavin. Hokuto just ignored it and also ignored that it started drizzling; some people ran while holding their bags over their heads, others hurried to look for shade, and the wise who brought umbrellas opened them like flashlights in the dark.  

Hokuto should start running too, but he realized he wasn’t even getting wet. He looked up and saw the heavens open up, and beside him, an angel. 

“I love the rain, but I loathe getting wet,” said Taiga, pulling him closer until their shoulders were overlapping under his transparent umbrella, “You look so surprised, is it that shocking to see me?” 

Hokuto swallowed hard. Taiga became a sensation after getting featured in “The Chronicles”, which also explained how he ended up at the Aquatic Center. Everyone loves his scared reaction, some find him cute, others comical, and others as someone they need to protect at all cost. 

“Uhm, well…I guess I’m just hungry,” he said, cringing at how nonsensical his answer was. However, “hungry” was like a word that Taiga had been waiting for his whole life. 

“Let me satisfy that hunger!” He said in such an enticing tone that Hokuto didn’t want to look excited. “We have a new stash of ramen at our flat, let’s go.” Taiga didn’t wait for his reply, he hooked his arms on him and Hokuto found himself too weak to resist. He also started answering imaginary questions, justifying going with Taiga. First, he just wanted to know if his luck every time it rains has been reversed. Second, he is hungry, Taiga offers food, and everyone knows it’s bad luck to say no to a free meal. And third, he really didn’t want to deal with Gavin at the moment. 

“Ailsa’s not here, she’s working at the National Gallery,” said Taiga as they reached a gated compound called Clayton Apartments. 

“We also have two other flatmates, both are out at the moment, I think.”

“Ah, are you both 3rd years?” He asked, the smell of oil and acrylic wafted toward them as Taiga opened the door. 

“Just me. She’s older than me by a year. Sorry for the mess, she’s finishing a portrait.”

Old newspapers lined the small living-room floor, there were also several tubes of paint on a wooden box, a few paint cans on the floor, and propped on the easel is an unfinished portrait. 

“Your portrait,” he whispered. The face is only a quarter done, but those eyes could only belong to Taiga. 

“You could tell that easily?” asked Taiga, impressed.

The rest of the portrait was still in pencil, but it was easy to make-out that Taiga was naked under the blanket that covered below his navel. His right arm covered his forehead, his lips slightly parted, and his eyes were in a dream-like state. It was as though this was sketched in the middle of a lovemaking.

“Hokuto?”

Hokuto flinched and crossed the living-room to the kitchen. Taiga has a girlfriend and he has a boyfriend, and speaking of boyfriend, he might as well give Gavin what he wanted instead of succumbing to a different sin. 

“Which one do you like?” asked Taiga, showing him four brands of instant noodles and his answer was immediate, he picked the black one with a baby chick breathing fire. He needed something strong as a distraction. 

“I heard about this one, they said it’s really spicy,” he said, he didn’t need to add that he had tried the said noodle and weirdly loved it.  

“It is. Your lips could get swollen. Are you sure?” 

“Positive.” 

“Your arse will be on fire.” 

Hokuto knew it was an innocent comment, but even Taiga’s face changed when he realized something awkward that Hokuto didn’t want to dwell on. 

“From pooping,” added Taiga, “It also happened to me when I ate this.”

Hokuto grinned. “I can take the heat.” 

“If you say so.”

“I’ll help-”

“No. You’re a visitor, just take a seat.” Taiga returned to the kitchen while Hokuto settled on the dining table. The Scandinavian tables were half-filled with medical journals and bindings of dissertations.

“Sorry for the mess though,” added Taiga, “I prefer a huge table when I study.” 

“No worries. Uhm, can I take a look at these?” 

“Go ahead.” 

Hokuto flipped through a medical journal, most of which dealt with surgery. “I don’t think I’ve asked, but you’re going into medicine?”

“I’m doing doubles. BioMed and Pharmacy.”

“Oh.” Hokuto’s reaction was too lacklustre, but he was just stoked. “You’re freakingly smart.”

Taiga chuckled. “I wish I was, but I’m not, so I have to work extra hard.” 

“And you want to be a surgeon?” He assumed seeing the journals. 

“Yes,” he said and posed with a knife, “You may call me Godhand Taiga.”

Hokuto giggled as he was familiar with the references to a Japanese drama called “Godhand Teru”.

“What do you want to specialize in?”

“GYN.”

Hokuto gaped. “Is that…a joke?”

Taiga sighed and shook his head. His disappointment inferred that Hokuto's comment was not the first. “You’re probably thinking I’m a pervert who wants to finger fucks women?”

Hokuto quickly shook his head. “That thought never crossed my mind,” he lied and blamed porn for it. 

Taiga wasn’t convinced by his answer, but he didn’t push through as he exclaimed, “Anyway, the noodles are cooked!” He brought out two plates and Hokuto’s tummy started making noises seeing how red his noodles were.

“Try it!” 

Hokuto received the chopsticks from Taiga and excitedly chowed down. 

“So, how is it?” Asked Taiga, his face apprehensive as he served a glass of water. 

“The best!” He said with a thumbs up. He didn’t have the heart to tell him that the noodles were undercooked and it just affected the overall experience. He never thought someone could fuck up noodles. 

“Told yah I’m good,” he said, eating his black bean noodles.

“I’m sure you’ll be a great gyne,” than a cook.

Taiga smirked. “By the way, uhm, are you still going out with The Eagle?”

“Mmmh?” He mumbled, nodding his head. It felt weird to be talking about his boyfriend with Taiga, and when he was trying to avoid the said boyfriend. 

“I see.”

“Why?” He could see in Taiga’s face that he wanted to talk about his boyfriend but he needed a push. “What is this about?”

“Well, nothing…it’s just that Ailsa told me that The Eagle and his ex are back together.”

The undercooked noodles not only tasted bad, it might even choke him. “Are you talking about my Gavin?” He clarified, before gulping water. It was no secret that Gavin was also famous for dating his former teammate, Stacey. “Former Teammate” because romantic relationships between teammates are forbidden, and also because their Uni is sexist, Stacey was the one let go. 

“Yes.”

“And you told your girlfriend about us?” He asked, raising an eyebrow.

Taiga went pale. “Of course not, I didn’t tell her anything.”

Hokuto scoffed, he didn’t believe Taiga. But most of all, he felt betrayed.

“It’s true,” Taiga insisted, “We went to the movies over the weekend and saw them…kissed…a lot! And that was when Ailsa said that they’d gotten back.”

“They’re just teammates, I mean, former teammates. And okay, they used to date, but not anymore,” he said with controlled calm that even he wanted to pat himself on the back.

“But…are you sure?”

“I’m sure,” he said firmly. “Did you invite me here to tell me this?”

Even the black bean sauce on Taiga’s lips blanched. “Well, I’m just concern-”

“And why would you be concerned?” He asked in a snappish way and quickly regretted seeing Taiga’s face. He looked embarrassed, he even cared.

“I’m sorry for butting in your business.”

Hokuto was too prideful to back down. Hearing from Taiga that Gavin might be cheating was slapped on his face, because he knew the truth. A truth he chose to ignore in the guise of love. Or lust. Or even jealousy of wanting someone he couldn’t have. 

“And I hope you’ll mind your own business from now on. Thank you for the noodles, it was so undercooked, you just wasted water. But don't worry, I won't sue you for indigestion,” he said in the pettiest way possible and left Taiga without another glance.

The moment Hokuto stepped out of Taiga’s apartment, the rain had stopped, and Hokuto knew that his luck had definitely reversed. 

Feb 2024

 T 🩷 I G A

Every day, Taiga wakes up to suffer. Today, particularly, he had to drag himself out of the bed. It didn’t help that he watched One Piece until 3 in the morning, and he had to be up by 7. Every muscle in his body felt heavy like Luffy being submerged in water. He couldn’t even bring himself to shower as he forced himself to go to work. Four hours of sleep, a toastie, and a cup of coffee later, Taiga thought he could survive the rest of the day when something so unexpected had to happen. 

“Are you going to stab me with that?” asked Taiga, his eyes on the five-inch riveted knife that was pointed at him. The knife looked sharp enough and he could barely make-out the blade's WP logo.

“You! How dare you give me raw salmon?” The man screamed, looking more maniacal by the minute.

“That’s called sashimi and that’s what you ordered,” he said flatly. He sort-of blamed himself for why it turned out like this. He should have known better the moment the man ordered a plate of sashimi. His pupils were dilated, and unblinking, and his energy radiated instability and danger. 

But Taiga ignored his intuition, chucking it off to the fatigue that was weighing him down. And for a while, he thought he was right, the man just ate his sashimi at the corner and ignored everyone. Then, another customer bumped into him and that was when he went batshit. He accused the customer of trying to kill him. Taiga quickly interfered and the man shifted his rage toward him. 

“I. Didn’t. Order. That,” he screamed at the top of his lungs, “You want to poison me!”

Taiga sighed. Fighting madness with only 4 hours of sleep felt so destructive to his mind and body. He knew he had to keep talking even though the man was now void of rationality. But he felt really tired and a wicked part of him wanted to challenge this man and just end it, as swiftly as possible.

“Why are you not talking?” The man bellowed. “You’re-you’re thinking of how to kill me?”

“What if I am?” He asked quietly. A rational part of him was saying to de-escalate rather than provoke.

He thought the man didn’t hear him, but he clearly did and he started shaking in excitement, as though the thought of killing gave him euphoria.

“I’ll do you first.” He lunged and the crowd gasped. 

Blood dripped down on the floor, Taiga’s palm on the spine while his fingers dug into the blade. It stung for a bit, but the pain was gone quickly, and replaced with an unbelievable surge of adrenaline.  

“Telly makes it look so easy,” he muttered through clenched teeth. One Piece prepared him to do this main character move; a move that might cut off his fingertips, but at least he saved the world.

“Argh!” The man shouted in shock, his body started twisting as he folded on the ground uncontrollably. 

The next few minutes happened in a blur. He couldn’t remember when the man did or he let go of the knife. People in uniforms ran to him. Radios blaring for instructions and calls for help. Taiga’s assistant knelt by his side and cried. Something stung again as his cuts were washed. Blood seeped through a gauze. And sound returns to him when the sun hits his face. The chaotic turn of events was almost destabilizing, and he finally let out a sigh when he was wheeled into the ambulance. 

“That was brave, but also very reckless,” a police officer told Taiga after his minor operation. He needed stitches on four of his fingers after stopping the knife with a bare hand. The cuts were deep, but not deep enough to sever his fingers.  

“But we still want to thank you, you provided a much-needed distraction so one of our officers could taser him.”

Taiga simply nodded. He didn’t deserve to be thanked. He did something reckless because he was tired, and not because he was concerned. The police continued to interview him, and just like after he got ‘stabbed’, he moved as though he was in a trance. He thinks he’s answering all their questions, but their faces suggest that he must be saying nonsense. Maybe the lack of sleep was finally getting to him, he couldn’t stop trembling. Or maybe his body is crashing down, it could be from shock, or the adrenaline earlier finally wearing-off. 

“Taiga, are you okay?” 

Taiga blinked and didn’t answer. Is he hallucinating now? Why is Hokuto here? How did he even know where he was? 

“I told the police that you’ll just head to the station for an interview, you’re not yet okay,” said Hokuto as though he read his mind. His tone was neither angry nor reprimanding, it was so gentle, that one would think Hokuto was cooing at him. 

Hokuto got a blanket somewhere and placed it on him like a jacket. His face marred with worry as he asked again, “Are you okay?”

He just shook his head and somehow he felt a bit lighter. He guessed a bit of honesty is still good.

“It will be okay,” whispered Hokuto while lightly patting his un-injured hand, “You said before that your hands are your biggest asset, and I guess that remains true. You hurt yourself in the process, but you didn’t just save yourself, you saved a lot more, even the person who did this to you. You still have it, Godhand Taiga .” 

Maybe he reached his limit for the day as he just came crashing down. 

His whimper turned to sobs, Hokuto frantically asking him if he was hurting somewhere, but he just shook his head and pulled Hokuto to bury his face on Hokuto’s shoulder.

“Taiga…it’s going to be okay. It will be okay.”

He realized two things while Hokuto lightly patted his back. First, he had forgotten how it was to be comforted. It felt foreign but familiar, like rekindling a long-lost flame. 

And second, he didn’t want to die after all.

 H 🖤 K U T O

Hokuto could only watch the drama unfold on TikTok. He already feels queasy as it's being livestream, but he knows he’ll choose the lesser evil, which is staying on the loop even if it means Taiga is being live-streamed. Kochi took the wheel from him, or they might get into an accident because he couldn’t sit still, and when they arrived, the fish market had been cordoned off to anyone who was planning to go in. However, as luck would have it, they had the perfect view to witness Taiga being wheeled into an ambo by paramedics. 

He returned to the driver’s seat and ignored Kochi’s shouts as he followed the ambulance rather than attend to his patient. 

“Have you seriously lost it?” Kochi bellowed. 

Hokuto continued to ignore Kochi, he was sure his patient had been attended to. 

“Acquaintance or unrequited love?” Kochi grumbled.

“Where are they bringing him? We’ll be crossing the bridge now,” asked Hokuto instead. His head is trying to map out all the hospitals and medical centres within the vicinity. 

“The Mater, probably.” 

And Kochi was right as the ambulance turned left at the Mater Hospital. And he watched with bated breath as Taiga was wheeled out and into the ED.

“Are you satisfied now?” 

Wordlessly, he turned back to the road and contacted his secretary.

“Glad you still have a bit of sense,” said Kochi. 

The admission to the mental health hospital had been challenging for Hokuto. His patient’s 75-year-old mother is adamant that her son should be treated at their estate, something to which Hokuto agreed before as long as the patient would be under surveillance. Unfortunately, her son wasn't guarded enough so he roamed around and caused a ruckus. 

“He has always been a sweet boy, maybe something happened for him to snap,” was the mother’s plea to him. And that is the reason why dealing with mental health is challenging for both the patient and their support system. It was hard to grasp how someone so sweet could turn into a monster in the blink of an eye. Everyone has problems, everyone has struggles, and some are even greater than others, so how can they not cope? 

How can someone not have control of their mind?

“Taiga’s mother was the one who approached me,” said Kochi and Hokuto almost swerved from his revelation. 

“You really chose this time to tell me this?”

“Didn’t think it was such a shocker.”

“It’s not that…” he took a deep breath to calm his nerves. He was still shaken as the image of Taiga stopping the knife kept replaying on his head. “It’s just…it’s a lot. I haven’t seen Taiga for like 3 to 4 years and I met him again in this state. It’s just unbelievable.” 

“Life happens to the best of us.”

Hokuto sighed. “What did his mother say?”

“His mother was just assuming after she came across this TED Talk, but she’s pretty convinced that her son might be suffering from a high-functioning depression.” 

“Oh…okay…and?”

“She managed to convince Taiga to come see me.”

“So you’ve seen Taiga?” 

Kochi nodded gravely. “He insisted that he was okay and that he only saw me so his mother would stop pestering him. Nevertheless, I made him do the usual depression screening, and nothing in his answers would indicate that he is depressed.” 

“I see.” Hokuto understood Kochi’s doubts. Although depression screening helps diagnose depression by answering a series of questions, the test is pretty subjective and patients can always lie. 

“Do you think he wasn’t being truthful? That he’s hiding what he truly feels?” added Hokuto. 

“He won’t be the first person to have hidden depression, but I sincerely hope that he won’t be part of that statistic...”

Hokuto swallowed the lump in his throat, he knew full well what statistic Kochi was referring to. Depression is a complex and complicated disease that even he is not immune to. 

“What can I do? What can we do?” He asked, his voice close to breaking as The Mater Hospital came into view again. 

“Can you try talking to him?”

He sighed. “Am I not overstepping? Maybe I could try talking to his wife.”

“Ok - wait, wife? He has a wife? He’s married?”

“Is he not? I saw him with a kid,” he clarified, frowning.

Kochi was also frowning. “I clearly remember his mother telling me that he’s single. She even said that she’d been trying to set him up with dates and that maybe being in a relationship would change him. Although I never asked if he has any kids.” 

“Then…” Hokuto paused and gasped, “...maybe he’s just a baby daddy and his baby momma is now married to someone else and that’s why he must be depressed or something. Oh my! The other guy I saw with them must be the new husband!” His words came in rapid-fire; he needed to catch his breath. 

“Are you writing fiction right now?” quipped Kochi.

His theory still convinces him that when he sees Taiga looking lost while the police talk to him, it takes him a great deal of willpower not to carry him out of the hospital and whisk him to some island. 

He shook his head and mentally slapped his cheek. He needed to be rational more than ever. He needed to be stronger than his emotions, but it was easier said than done. Taiga’s eyes said everything he needed to know. He looked so tired and defeated. 

It pained him, too, seeing Taiga’s hand bandaged. The same hands that could have saved a lot of patients will now be scarred forever.

He let Taiga cry in his arms for a while, and he had to bite his lips to stop himself from also breaking down. He kept on repeating how it would be okay and realized that he was also giving that assurance to himself.

The last time he saw Taiga cry, he wished he could hug and comfort him, and now that he was doing that, he wished Taiga never had to cry in the first place.

June 2016

 T 🩷 I G A 

Life knows how to make fun of you. Taiga had rarely seen Hokuto before, but after he stormed off his apartment like eons ago, Taiga had been seeing Hokuto everywhere. As in all the time. They didn't  even attend the same lectures, and Taiga only had lectures thrice a week, but he would see Hokuto even in places like the library, cafe, and Woolies. It was so annoying that he had to be reminded of what happened between them. 

It also irked him that his girlfriend took Hokuto’s side. She said that some people weren’t that welcoming to have their partners cheating thrown at their faces, especially in a relationship like Hokuto’s, after he promised not to tell anyone about it. He broke Hokuto’s trust and Ailsa thought that part weighed more than his partner’s supposed cheating. 

But he didn’t really do anything wrong. Maybe being a busybody is wrong, but he was simply acting out of goodwill. And every time he would see Hokuto with that guy, it was akin to being sprayed with pepper in his eyes.  

“So he has unusually long arms and legs, what about it? Maybe he’s not even human? Alien?”

He continued to watch the so-called couple, he wasn’t even being subtle about it as he followed them with his eyes to the Engineering Bldg.

“And why does he keep walking ahead of Hokuto? Is Hokuto his bodyguard or something?”

Whatever Hokuto and The Eagle did in the Engineering Building, it was quick and they were back on the Sports Walk. Taiga sneered in disdain, taking out his Evian mist and spraying it on his eyes to wash off such an eyesore.

“When did you start using such?” asked Shintaro, who travelled to Melbourne to see “White Night”, and whom he had forgotten to be seated beside him in the middle of the lemon-scented lawn.

“It’s good for the skin.”

“Since when did you start caring about your skin?”  

Taiga sighed. He couldn’t fool his best mate. “It was on sale, like buy 3 and take 2, and Ailsa gave me one.”

“Ahhhh.”

“By the way, hypothetical question,” he said, throwing Hokuto a glance, and saw that they had also sat on the edge of the lawn, “But if I learned your girlfriend cheated -”

“My girlfriend’s cheating on me?” Shintaro hollered and some students turned over to their direction. 

“I said, hypothetical, and I never even met your girlfriend.”

Shintaro looked really relieved. “Oh, okay, go on…”

“As I was saying, if I learned that your girlfriend cheated, would you want me to tell you?” 

Shintaro’s answer was immediate. “Duh, certainly.”

“Will you get angry at me?”

“Why would I? Unless my girlfriend is cheating with you?” He said, looking doubtful at him. 

Taiga simply smiled, relieved as he grew more convinced he did the right thing. 

“By the way, I ate at your sushi place a fortnight ago.”

“It’s not mine,” Taiga corrected. “Did you see my dad?”

Shintaro nodded. “I don’t think I should tell you, but I will tell you anyway - your dad was complaining that your tuition had increased again.”

Taiga scoffed. His dad still didn’t like that he chose pre-med over inheriting their business. “The amount he needed to add for my tuition, he deducted that on my allowance.”

“Oh! Uncle really hates you.” 

Taiga wasn’t even offended, his father’s disapproval of his career choice was something he accepted a long time ago. “So I’m working part-time and I’ll take advantage of the winter break to work a bit more.”

“Awww, I thought we could go to The Snowies.”

“We’ve been to that mountain four times.” He didn’t want to add that for a 3rd Year, Shintaro had lots of time on his hands. 

“So, can’t we go for the 5th time?”

“I guess,” he said, shrugging when he noticed The Eagle had stood up. He was busy chatting with someone on his phone and took a few steps away from Hokuto. Meanwhile, Hokuto remained seated while he watched his boyfriend leave him without so much of a glance. 

“Who’s that guy?” asked Shintaro. 

“What guy?” He asked innocently.

“The one you kept looking at.”

“I wasn’t looking -”

Shintaro cocked an eyebrow and crossed his arms. “In case you haven’t noticed, I’ve already eaten 3 corndogs, while yours have gotten as cold as the weather.” 

Taiga looked down at his corndog and saw that because he was too busy watching Hokuto and that guy he refused to call by his name, all the pickles and mustard he piled in had gone down to the bottom of the paper plate. 

“Hmmm, right,” he said, sighing, “Remember my hypothetical question?”

“Oooooh!” Shintaro is clearly interested, and added in a whisper, ”his girlfriend cheated on him?”

“Yes.” Taiga agreed instead of correcting one tiny detail.

“Who did his girlfriend cheat with?”

“An ex.”

“Ahhh…and they’re still together?”

Taiga nodded glumly. 

“And he got angry at you for telling him about it?”

Taiga nodded, pouting. It had been months, and he told himself repeatedly that he didn’t care, he had stopped caring, but he remained peeved about it. 

Shintaro appeared to be thinking what he should say next before he looked apologetically at him. “Yeah, you probably shouldn’t have meddled. Let him find it out.”

Taiga was aghast. “You just told me-”

“We’re different, Kyomo, we’ve known each other before we even grew pubic hair so I know you would never lie to me and you have my best interest.” 

Taiga didn’t know what to say at first. He tried to search for the words to describe his feelings, and he came up with one that he didn’t like. He was hurt. 

“And I don’t have his best interest? I’m just some…prissy stickybeak?”

“Now, now, don’t insult yourself like that,” said Shintaro calmly, seeing that Taiga’s nostrils were flaring. “I’m just saying he could be thinking you have a hidden agenda for telling him that...”

Taiga scoffed and turned in Hokuto’s direction. He has a hidden agenda?

He felt aggrieved while he watched with squinting eyes as a Jeep stopped-by The Eagle and he hopped in. Taiga could barely make-out the rest of the passengers but the redhead could only be that guy's ex-girlfriend. The one Hokuto said was nothing but a former teammate. The Jeep left, leaving Hokuto with a trail of car exhaust smoke. 

“Seriously? You’ll just let him do that?” Taiga muttered.

“What are you talking about now?”

“Nothing. It’s none of my business.” He shut his eyes and sighed. If Hokuto thinks he’s the villain, then so be it. He will play his role as the Villainess seriously.

“What are you on about?” asked Shintaro, looking worried for him.

Taiga forced himself to smile. “Let’s head to town, Ailsa will be meeting us at the gallery.”

H 🖤 K U T O

Hokuto is not yet a psychologist but he is now diagnosing himself as a masochist. Or maybe calling himself a masochist is just him trying to glamorize his real situation. It’s as clear as the lights projected on the grey wall of the NGV that he’s not in a Fifty Shades of Grey situation, he’s just in a grey area. Moreover, he’s in an emotionally abusive relationship, and he is a willing victim. 

Calling himself a victim is also unfair to real victims. No one has a gun over his head, and the door is always open for him to leave, but he chooses to stay. Mainly out of embarrassment, sex is secondary, or maybe because his luck has run out and he can’t bear to be alone. But he also doesn't feel he’s with someone, and he just feels awful altogether.

He knew from the get-go that Gavin only wanted sex. But he chose to delude himself that Gavin was just confused, he might not be sure of his feelings yet, and he would surely come around. Besides, sex with Gavin had been good, and wasn’t that what he wanted? Good sex so he could push Taiga out of his mind. So when Taiga told him about Gavin’s cheating, it was like a slap on his face. His ego was hurt more than his feelings. His delusions clash with reality, along with the sad truth that in his attempt to have what Taiga and Ailsa have, he cheapened himself and went with Gavin. 

He sighed and lazily took a few pictures. He wasn’t really in the mood to go out if it weren’t for Kochi’s insistence. Everywhere was crowded, he could feel an oncoming headache from all the bright lights, and even though he considered himself artsy, he couldn’t appreciate anything that the illuminations represented.

“Quite a crowd, huh?” commented Kochi as they made their way to check other illuminations. 

“Have you seriously never been here before?”

Kochi shook his head. “I’m too lazy to travel here,” he said, grinning. 

Hokuto chuckled and from afar, he could see one very familiar giant. He scratched his eyes before making a phone call. 

“Hokuto!” The man answered over the phone. 

“Turn to your right,” Hokuto instructed.

“My right? Why-” Jesse beamed, his long arms waved vigorously at him. 

“Someone you know?” asked Kochi. 

Hokuto pulled Kochi until he and Jesse met halfway 

“What are you doing here?” They asked at the same time. 

Hokuto answered first, “I go to Uni here, remember.” 

“Oh yeah!” Jesse giggled. “I’m here with my folks and with my cutest sister, but they were getting on my nerves so I strayed away for a bit,” he whispered as though he did something very naughty, before his eyes wandered to Kochi. “And this bloke here is…”

“And this is my flatmate and also, a senior of mine, Yugo Kochi.”

“Hi,” said Jesse, acting all coy for reasons Hokuto couldn’t fathom, “I’m one of Hokuto’s two best mates. The other is Juri, but he’s too busy making sure his girlfriends don't meet each other.”

Hokuto feigned a cough and Jesse seemed to have taken the hint. 

“Kochi,” said Kochi, extending his hand, which Jesse accepted with gusto.

“You should have told me you were coming.”

“Nah, we’re going back tomorrow morning so I didn’t bother, but I guess we’re meant to meet,” said Jesse and they fist bump.

Hokuto beamed. He’d been feeling under the weather since morning and seeing one of his best mates made even the most dreary illumination all cheery. 

The three of them ended up in a local pizzeria. It was packed, and it was too late for Hokuto to turn back upon seeing Gavin and his friends in one corner, and on the opposite side were Taiga, Ailsa, and a few others. Hokuto tried to be nonchalant about this ill fate, Jesse seemed to be oblivious to the risen tension, while Kochi glanced apologetically at him since he chose the place. Gavin, as expected, pretended not to see him, but he did see his so-called “ex” raising her pencil-thin eyebrow at him. Ailsa gave him an uncomfortable smile, while Taiga acted like Gavin. Hokuto had been seeing Taiga a lot since the "noodle fiasco". He would just have to breathe and Taiga would be there. And as crazy as it was, he would always be with Gavin, and he would have to watch Taiga's face churned up in disgust, which he never bothered hiding. 

“We could go to another place,” Kochi whispered. He knew about his circumstances with Gavin, but not with Taiga.

“It’s fine,” he replied. “I’m also not in the mood to be the one to adjust.” 

Kochi nodded, smiling, while Hokuto hoped he could hold his bravado as they settled to their seats that were only two tables away from Gavin. 

“I just sent a message to Mom that I’m with you,” said Jesse before deciding on their order; a Margherita, VIP aka Very Italian Pizza, and their bestseller, Plus39. 

“I see that you’re very hungry,” he quipped. Although he agreed to eat there, he wanted to leave as soon as possible.

Jesse just grinned. “Let’s take a selfie, Juri’s going to get so jealous.” 

They took a selfie and Hokuto thought he looked constipated. Jesse also asked him to take his picture with Kochi, just in case Kochi turned out to be a flatmate serial killer. Jesse was in his usual jovial mood, and Hokuto was thankful that Kochi and Jesse seemed to get along because Hokuto was not in the mood for chit-chat when he couldn’t even breathe properly. 

Their orders arrived and Hokuto grabbed a slice, eating it quickly to finish 3 pan pizzas in under 10 minutes. 

“Some people need to get a room,” Jesse said and Hokuto wished he never followed his line of vision to save himself from witnessing Gavin and his former teammate snogging. 

Kochi looked horrified toward him, while Hokuto thought he might choke on his pizza. Knowing Gavin is cheating has been tolerable, but seeing him doing it in public is just humiliating. 

What made it more unbearable was that he could do nothing.

“What a douchebag,” Kochi muttered, putting his pizza down, “Let me give him a piece of my mind.”

“Who’s the douchebag? You know them?” Asked Jesse, looking confused. 

“Kochi, please, let it go,” he said firmly, grabbing Kochi’s wrist.

“No, it ends here.”

“What’s going on-”

A loud audible gasp rang across the pizzeria, and everyone was looking in one direction. And when Hokuto saw what caught everyone’s attention, his jaw dropped to the floor. 

Taiga is holding two empty pasta plates, and on Gavin and Stacey’s heads were the contents of that plate, linguine and pappardelle.

“Sorry, I thought this was the bin,” Taiga said sarcastically, “You both looked trash.”

A collective gasp echoed inside the pizzeria, but unlike earlier when everyone gasped in surprise, now, everyone was just excited to watch the drama unfold. 

Gavin stood up, pasta sauce dripping down his body, and the greatest battle since boxing kangaroos began.

Feb 2024

T 🩷 I G A 

Taiga was so distraught earlier, but when his tears had dried, embarrassment came crashing in. He didn’t just cry, he cried at Hokuto of all people, and the worst part, the waves also brought back memories he thought he had forgotten.  

“Don’t think too much about it,” said Hokuto as though he read his mind.

“I’m not thinking about anything,” he denied. 

“Stop covering your face as if you’re embarrassed about something.” 

Taiga sighed, slowly removing his hands from his face, and letting the afternoon sun color his face. Hokuto stood by the window, arms crossed on his chest, and the sun rays behind him made it seem like he just descended from heaven to grace mortals with his presence. He sighed once more. How could anyone forget that face?

“Uhm, I should apologize,” Hokuto started.

“For what?” 

“The man who gave you that injury was a patient of mine.” 

“Oh!”

“I’m taking responsibility-”

Taiga interfered. “You’re not in any way at fault with this. It’s all mine because I decided to play a hero.”

“Taiga-”

The door opened, and Taiga almost covered his face with a blanket thinking it might be another reporter, but it was his mother. His poor mother. 

“Are you okay?” She asked. Her voice might be steady, but her hands were trembling as she held his bandaged hand. “Why would you do something like that?”

Taiga just shrugged. He wanted to appear unaffected, and hoped his eyes didn’t show how hard he cried earlier. “I also don’t know what I was thinking,” he lied, and he could tell his mother didn’t believe him. 

His mother took a deep breath and the smile she gave him radiated serenity. “If that’s what you say, then, I will believe you.”

Taiga swallowed hard. Guilt ate him up as he looked at his mother’s hands, they were dry and wrinkled. His mother had gotten old while he continued to wallow about how his life had taken a different trajectory. He should really change. 

“You look familiar,” his mother told Hokuto. 

“Hi, I’m Hokuto Matsumura-”

“Dr. Matsumura from Flame Island?” His mother exclaimed, taking Hokuto’s offered hand for a handshake, “I didn’t recognize you with your clothes on,” his mother added, giggling. 

All the guilt he felt changed to embarrassment and disbelief. “Ma, you watch Flame Island?”

“Of course, I’m a huge fan.”

Taiga gaped.

“It’s the only reason why I still subscribed to Halo. I also have their app and I sometimes vote,” his mother added, her eyes sparkling while looking up at Hokuto, “Are you my son’s doctor?”

Hokuto shook his head. “Uhm, no, but we knew each other from Uni.”

“Ah, from Uni?” Taiga didn’t miss the curl in her mother’s voice. What did she mean by that? 

“That’s nice. So, Doctor-”

“Please, just call me Hokuto.”

“If you say so, Hokuto. I’m sure you’ve met a lot of eligible women on the island, why don’t you introduce some of them to Taiga-”

“Ma!” He bellowed, horrified at his mother’s suggestion.

His mom ignored his glares and continued, “I don’t have high standards, just someone who would love and stay with my son. He could be a bit trying and I say this as his mother.”

“Ma, stop this! You’re making Hokuto uncomfortable.” 

Taiga used Hokuto as an excuse to cover his embarrassment, but Hokuto looked flustered. However, his mom proved to be unstoppable. 

“Or perhaps, if there’s a new season, can Taiga join?” 

“Argh! Just kill me now.” 

“Stop being dramatic,” his mother chid, “You’ll be 30 this year, almost all of your peers are married, and I don’t want you to end up as someone’s fuck buddy or boy toy.”

Taiga was aghast. He never thought he would hear his mother utter those words. 

Hokuto loudly cleared his throat. “Uhm, I thought Taiga was married and had a daughter.”

His mother sighed and Taiga chuckled. 

“It’s his goddaughter, his best friend’s daughter,” His mother quickly corrected. “See? People think Keikolalanee is yours.”

“It’s Kekiokolanee,” he said, “And I don’t mind if people assume that.”

“I love Keiko - Keki - Kiko…the kid, but I do mind.”

Taiga sighed. He wished his mother would just chastise him about the stupidity that got him injured instead of talking to Hokuto about his dating life, or the lack thereof.

“Ma, can we just go home? I’m tired.” 

“Not until the doctor promised to set you up with someone.”

“Ma!” 

Hokuto’s eyes darted between mother and child with Taiga firmly shaking his head. “You don’t need to say anything, Hokuto,” he warned and Hokuto looked like he would cry at any moment.

His mother scoffed and decided to change her tactics. “Or maybe you’re just scared of getting rejected?”

Taiga rolled his eyes. “I’ve been dumped a lot, mother.” He didn’t want to sound proud of it, but whatever. He would not be cowed.  

“He’s really hopeless, isn’t he?” His mother told Hokuto, and Hokuto just gave a noncommittal nod. 

Taiga sighed. “Fine.” 

His mother’s eyes lit up. “What do you mean by ‘fine’?”

Taiga crossed his fingers under the blanket. “I actually went on a date last Valentine's Day.” 

“You did?” His mother looked dubious, while Hokuto looked like he was rewinding on the events of that day when they accidentally met at the toilet. 

“Yeah.”

“With whom?”

“Someone….”

“Someone who?” His mother’s eyes widened, as though she had built-in laser beams ready to fire at him if he lied. 

“Someone really interested in me for a very long time.”

His mother gasped. “I didn’t know you had a stalker.”

Taiga could feel an oncoming headache. “Stalker, really? No! But this person left a note for me at ‘Here's Looking at You’. Remember that? You used to bring home mX.”

His mother continued to frown, while Hokuto’s eyes were wide like deer in the headlights. 

“I know it sounds ridiculous,” he said, chuckling a bit, trying his best to look excited and perplexed at the prospect of finding the one over some 9-year-old ad. “But I think it’s….I think it’s fate,” he added dreamily. His mother always loved the idea of “fate”, and as he said it, he’s getting quite convinced as well.

He continued, “Nine years and that person had waited for me every year at the same spot.”

His mother and Hokuto were both unblinking now. Hokuto even turned pale. 

“Right,” his mother said after a while. An uncomfortable silence continued to hover around them.

“You clearly need to be treated first,” she added in a tone inflecting that he was not right in the head. She excused herself to see the nurse for his discharge before he could finally sigh. He felt bad for lying, but he wouldn’t deny he liked the temporary truce it brought. Moreover, there was some truth to his lie. 

“I’m sorry about my mom - Hokuto? Hokuto?” 

Hokuto slapped his cheek so hard that his hand left an imprint. 

“Uhm, are you okay?” He asked quietly, a bit frightened. 

“I’m fine,” said Hokuto, “I’m just going to die - I mean, I’m just going to talk to a colleague here, excuse me.” 

Hokuto left his room and he quickly reached for his phone to check the snap of that 9-year-old ad. “I think I have to find you now, huh?” 

H 🖤 K U T O 

“Should I come clean?” He erased that thought the moment it popped in. He would take that bloody note to the grave. Taiga would think of him as a creep, even worse than a stalker. They’ve known each other for years, a lot of stuff happened between them, and he could picture Taiga thinking he planned to hook him right at the very beginning. 

He could picture Kochi asking him with a sardonic grin, “Well, didn’t you?”

“Not in that capacity!” He argued with no one. Never in his life did he think that his love note would be brought up like this, especially after 9 years! 

“This is on Taiga, it’s not my fault he chose to lie. Besides, as long as I keep quiet, nothing will be revealed, right? Or maybe it wouldn’t be that bad? He did say something about fate, maybe he would think…” He shook his head, there was no need to be falsely optimistic about it. Taiga probably only said those words to appease his mother.

He finally found the courage to leave the room, and it was too late to go the other way when he ran into Taiga’s mom. 

“Dr. Matsumura.”

Hokuto smiled. “Please, just call me, Hokuto.”

“Oh yeah, uhm, you were in the linen room?”

He glanced back and silently cursed. “I’m just returning a blanket I took earlier.”

“Directly?”

He smiled and changed the topic. “Are you on your way back to Taiga’s room? Let’s go together.” He whirled around, only to be pulled back when Taiga’s mom grabbed his arm. Her hands were as cold as ice.

“Not yet, can I speak to you for a bit?”

“Uhm, sure.”

They ended up in a busy cafe at the hospital. Taiga’s mom is a mix of strength and vulnerability, while she sat with her back ramrod straight, Hokuto could detect that she was just trying not to break down as she fiddled on her bag's handle, and her eyes stared at a void.

“Have a cuppa,” he said. 

“Thank you, Hokuto,” she said, putting a splash of milk in her tea while her fingers trembled. 

“Welcome,” he said simply, taking a sip of his tea that he preferred as it was. 

“So, Hokuto, what do you think of my son?”

Hokuto stalled, unsure how to answer. “Uhm, well, he has always been unpredictable. He can be a danger to himself, but at the same time, you can’t stop him, because he shines from that unpredictability of his. And I just hope he’ll meet someone who’ll protect him, but at the same, won’t stop him from doing what he wants.” 

“Okay,” said Taiga’s mother, a blush of appreciation on her face, “That’s really lovely of you to say that about my son, but as a psychologist, what do you think of him?”

“Oh! You mean in that capacity…” He cringed. He couldn’t even feign a laugh. What was he thinking? Speaking as though he wanted to win Taiga’s mother’s favor.

“To be honest, I already consulted this to a different doctor, and I wish I was just being paranoid, but I really think my son suffers from what they call high-functioning depression.”

He already heard about this from Kochi, but he asked anyway, “And what made you say that?”

“With what happened today,” she said, her eyes glistening with tears, “I’m quite sure he really intended to be stabbed. He wanted it to end, and by ‘it” I mean his life more than being in that situation.”

Hokuto agreed but he couldn’t say that. He knew he should stop inquiring, and let Kochi handle Taiga, it wouldn’t be in Taiga’s best interest if he meddled. But a part of him, a tiny bit part of him, was just dying to know.

“Of course, he will never admit it. You’ve also seen how easy it was for him to lie. He even made up something about, what was that again? Looking for you? He even added that he met someone who never existed.”

Hokuto almost choked on his tea. Heat spread on his face and he couldn’t tell Taiga’s mom that the note part was true. It’s true because he was the one who sent it. 

And now that he thinks about it more carefully, did Taiga go to CFM that day because of his love note? Did Taiga just learn about it? After all these years? How? Why now?

“But let’s forget about that, how can I convince my son to seek help? How can I show him that something is definitely wrong without him being defensive about it or retreating?”

Hokuto swallowed hard. Brushing away everything related to the note and focusing on the present.

“Is Taiga going through something?” He asked quietly. He braced himself because he was afraid to know the answer. He was like his patient’s mother earlier, still in denial even though the proof was being dangled on their faces.

“Is he going through something?” Taiga’s mother repeated. “I’m sure he is and I hope he will talk about it, but he won’t. He’ll just brush it off.” Mrs Kyomoto took out a hanky and started dabbing her eyes. 

“But I’m sure of one thing,” she added, “he started to change when he had to return here and quit medicine.”

Hokuto thought he might break his teacup as the winds of the past blew gently on his face, sending him back to the moment where he had to watch Taiga break down.

He shouldn’t be surprised, but it sucked when the past chased you up to the present. First was the note, and second was Taiga. 

Oct 2016

T 🩷 I G A

In the aftermath of what everyone dubbed as “The Eagle vs The Crow”, the mundane Clayton campus had their biggest news, probably since WWII. Taiga’s popularity skyrocketed, and so did his notoriety. 

At first, he didn’t like being compared to a crow, they were significantly smaller than an eagle. But after learning that crows are intelligent scavengers, who often raid trash for food, he thinks it’s justified. He remained firm each time he was asked why he dumped two plates of pasta on the couple. “I really thought I was throwing it into the bin,” he would casually reply and everyone around him would laugh uncomfortably. Some are scared to be at the receiving end of his ire. Some found him too pompous. Others, particularly those within Gavin’s circle, would blame his being a Sydneysider for starting a nonsensical fight. In their eyes, everyone from Sydney thought of themselves as superior to those from other states, when they really had nothing except nicer beaches, probably. He even had to deactivate his Facebook account after receiving a mix of hate and praise on his page and before it reached his dad and had his allowance reduced again. 

His irritation cost him 6 weeks of suspension and a $300 fine. He had to serve his suspension after the winter break and he could think of it as a blessing in disguise as he was able to work full-time for another 6 weeks to make up for the cuts from his allowance. Unfortunately, his professors proved to be sadists, and he expected no less from them as he had to catch-up with his missed lectures and assignments on his own. As October rolled in, Taiga was running high on caffeine and he found himself snapping at every minor inconvenience. 

“You didn’t wake me up, I’ll be late,” he told Ailsa as he went running down the stairs, struggling to put on his socks. 

“I’m not your personal alarm clock,” said Ailsa, her tone cold as she drank her coffee. 

“Right.” He knew calling his frosty relationship with Ailsa a “Cold War” was just over the top, but at this point, they were just waiting to see who would fire the first nuke. 

“Uhm, so, my last class ends at 2:30, what do you want to do later? Movies? Dinner?”

“Why? What’s with today?” She asked with a blank stare. 

Taiga blinked. Did Ailsa really forget? Or was it all an act? “Uhm, it’s our anniversary today.”

“Oh! We lasted this long, huh?”

“Uhm…yeah…” He watched Ailsa check her phone. 

“Just meet me at the gallery by 530 and let’s decide after that.” 

“Right, I’ll see you later. L…ove yah,” he added in hush tones as Ailsa had gone back upstairs without bidding him goodbye, or even so much of a glance.

Taiga sighed and left their flats with a heavy heart. His recklessness also cost him his relationship with Ailsa. She was angry about his impulsiveness and he was never really known to have a strong sense of justice. She also received half the backlash directed at him, but she was more livid when he wouldn’t admit to one thing. 

“Do you like Hokuto?”

The weather was colder than usual and he was close to shivering when he reached his room. The previous lecture had just ended and he came face-to-face with Hokuto who was on his way out. They briefly met each other’s eyes, Taiga tried to avoid him by stepping on the right side, but so did Hokuto, and both of them stepped on the left at the same time.

“Uhm, you go first,” he said, avoiding his eyes. Hokuto swiftly passed by his side, the sleeves of their shirts brushing against each other on his way out, and a chill pierced through his bones.

He realized he’d been holding his breath until he sat at the nearest available seat. He hadn’t spoken to Hokuto since that day. Hokuto did try to talk to him, but he always had excuses of not having the time, or he needed to rush somewhere. Until Hokuto gave up and avoided him altogether. Taiga wasn’t even in the loop of what had happened between Hokuto and Gavin since that day.

“I don’t like him the way you think, I just pity him.”

His class started. His class ended. He added more caffeine than he could handle, but none of the caffeine managed to lift his mood when he received a message from his girlfriend, “ Had a sudden team dinner, let’s move your plan this weekend. ” Taiga looked up at the ash-grey walls of the National Gallery, it's color now resembling his mood, while its fortress-like walls were Ailsa’s feelings for him. 

He sighed and decided to enter the fortress, living it to fate if he and Ailsa ran to each other. He went straight to his favorite part of the gallery, “The Great Hall”. Its stained glass ceiling is something he fancied as akin to Hogwarts’ Great Hall, and just like the fictional great hall that hosted lots of events, a real-life event must have also finished. A shiny black T-shaped catwalk stood in the middle with a huge pink pencil at the backdrop. Chairs were being stacked, caterers were emptying trays, but a few cocktail tables were still surrounded by men and women in flamboyant and edgy clothes while holding sparkling wines. Thinking that Ailsa might be in the said event, he quickened his pace to head over the escalators when he came face-to-face with someone he’d also been trying to avoid. 

But unlike earlier, it was hard for Taiga to avert his gaze. Hokuto’s face was white as a geisha, on top of it, he wore purple eyeshadow and cat eyeliner, and a perfectly circular blush was stamped on his cheeks. And just like the men and women he saw earlier, Hokuto was also wearing something quirky; a sparkly and velvety motley coat, tight yellow breeches, and a checkered cap with violet bells. 

“Are you supposed to be…a clown?” His voice broke through the awkward silence between them.

Hokuto cocked an eyebrow, while his lips curled. “You’re speaking to me?”

Taiga swallowed hard, Hokuto’s question was as sharp as a blade slicing through the thin ice. But despite his cold reaction, Hokuto still gave him a proper reply, “A court jester.”

“A court jester?” He repeated. “C-cool.”

“Are you here to see your girl? I think I’ve seen her earlier, oh, she’s over there!”

He glanced back. He heard Ailsa’s heels clacking across the floor before she came into view. Panic rose within him, the last thing he wanted was for Ailsa to see him with Hokuto, or the nukes would surely be dropped. 

Without another word, he sprinted to the back of the runway stage, his heart beating wildly as he took a peek and saw Ailsa speak to a few catering staff. He hoped Hokuto wouldn’t snitch him because that’s going to be bad. He sighed in relief, but quickly froze when someone tapped his shoulder along with the realization he was also holding onto someone’s wrist. 

“Why are you hiding?” 

Taiga let go of Hokuto’s wrist as though he touched hot coal while hoping the black stage would just suck him like a black hole. 

“Uhm, it's our anniversary and I was planning to surprise Ailsa.”

“Is it?” There was a lingering doubt on Hokuto’s face. “But why drag me here as well?” 

“Well…I was surprised. I didn’t really know I dragged you here with me.” 

“Is that the only reason?”

Taiga innocently blinked. Hokuto couldn’t have known that Ailsa and he fought about him. That he started avoiding Hokuto to salvage his relationship with Ailsa. He started avoiding him, because his actions opened up something more he didn’t want to entertain. And that he has a girlfriend, period. 

He plastered a smile. “What else could it be?”

“Models, time to pack up!” He heard someone say. “And start dismantling the runway!”

Hokuto was about to leave but he grabbed Hokuto’s arm.

“I won’t tell her,” said Hokuto while Taiga took another peek to check for his girlfriend. Unfortunately, she hadn’t left the hall and was giving something to the models present.

Taiga bit his lower lip and fessed-up, “I lied. Ailsa cancelled today, but I went anyway, and if Ailsa saw me, I don’t think she’ll be too thrilled about it, and I…I can’t say anything more.” 

Hokuto appeared surprised with his admission, his face softening as he gently pulled him close and started fixing his tie.

“I’ll try to distract her so you can leave.” He finished fixing his tie and added, “You always look great with a suit on.”

“Thanks,” he murmured as Hokuto left, and before he could wonder when Hokuto ever saw him with a suit on. 

H 🖤 K U T O

Hokuto had to pause for a bit, take a deep breath, and let his heart slow down. Seeing Taiga already had his heart beating widely and being near him had his heartbeat catapulted to dangerous levels. He tried to calm himself, but the scent of Taiga’s tie lingered on his hands, giving his chaotic mind a bit of reprieve. 

For all of Kochi’s bravado in giving Gavin a scolding, Kochi was quick on his feet when punches were landed, and Kochi and Jesse dragged Hokuto swiftly out of harm's way. He was too flummoxed to make sense of what had happened, and the efficient staff of the pizzeria dragged away Taiga and Gavin before the fight went full-scale mayhem.

He did try to speak to Taiga. Desperately so. He waited outside of his lectures like a stalker, but it was as clear as the day that Taiga was avoiding him. He formed a lot of reasons in his head, but he couldn’t fathom why Taiga had been avoiding him. So he held everything in. He put a period to all his questions and snipped the feelings that sprouted. 

But most of all, he avoided Taiga because of his girlfriend. 

“He only pitied you, I hope you’re not thinking something more into it,” was Ailsa’s nippy statement the last time they spoke.

“Taiga spoke to me first. I’ll be fine avoiding him all my life, but he talked to me first,” he continued to justify his action back there. He didn’t even notice that he’d been standing in front of Ailsa, she was handing him something, but he just stood there like a guilty party. 

“Thank you for participating today, here’s a token of our appreciation,” said Ailsa in clipped tones. 

“Thanks, too,” he said, taking the NGV souvenir from Ailsa’s hands. She didn’t wait for him to say more, she whirled around and walked off. He looked back to where Taiga’s at, he was peeking as expected, and Hokuto nodded at him as though he accomplished a difficult mission. He went back to the makeshift dressing room to change and remove his make-up. He wanted to pretend that Taiga wasn’t outside and he just wanted to go home quickly. He was a last-minute addition to this “innovative fashion show”, a show started by a few of his peers from design school. A lot of them would be graduating in December, a couple had even started making their brand, while Hokuto was still struggling with his lectures. 

“Want to grab a coldie?” One of his fellow models asked, whom he learned went to La Trobe.

He hesitated for a bit but agreed anyway. There was no way Taiga would wait for him, he was probably on his way home. They all went out together, the catwalk they just sashayed earlier was all gone, and Taiga was nowhere to be seen. He shook Taiga out of his head, whatever was happening between Taiga and Ailsa was none of his business. 

Dusk settled and Hokuto blamed the balmy weather for drinking his third beer. By the time he reached the station, a natural blush was on his face. He was feeling a bit giddy, taking selfies of his tipsy face while he waited for the train. He took the nearest empty seat beside a window, and the woman beside him was flipping through mX. He cringed inwardly as a memory came gliding through, and the energy must be strong enough that the woman offered him the tabloid. Awkwardly, he accepted it, mindlessly flipping through the pages even though his alcohol-addled brain only wanted to check one thing, the “Here’s Looking at You” page. 

“To ‘Charlie’ who left a message for a girl in The Chainsmokers’s shirt at Southern Cross sttn, more info please, is she a redhead? — Confused Redhead.” 

Hokuto scoffed. “Trying your luck, eh?” He muttered under his breath. 

“To the mohawk guy leaving tram 67 last Friday, I’m the guy wearing a glittered red jacket. We made eye-contact. I’m gay, are you? — Chester.”

Hokuto rolled his eyes. “Dream on.”

“Shoutout to the guy who helped an old Indian couple asking for directions in front of the State Library, you’re awesome! — Observant passerby.”

That bit put a smile on his face. “Okay, that was cute.”

“I’m the guy in the white tux, want to grab a cuppa? Is CFM your initials? — Tux Boy.”  

The woman left her seat as they approached Richmond and Hokuto alternated between blinking and scratching his eyes, while also fighting off drowsiness. The next minutes were spent in utter disbelief that Mr Tuxedo actually replied as the train chugged on. Maybe this was all a dream.

And he was right.

He woke up with someone shaking his shoulder and as he sleepily looked-up, he thought he was still dreaming upon seeing those familiar eyes. 

“Had a good nap?” Taiga asked casually. 

“Did I…?” He felt something slide down his chin and he couldn’t look at Taiga as he wiped his drool. 

“Uhm, where are we?” He asked, glancing behind the darkness, and shaking his head. He felt lost as though he’d been drugged, unsure of the line between reality and dream. Being on a train is definitely a reality, but Taiga has always been like a dream. 

“Next station is ours so I woke you up.” 

“Oh, uhm, t-thanks? When did you get here? How long was I sleeping for?” 

Taiga looked shy as he said, “Uhm, I was planning to invite you for dinner so I waited for you outside of the gallery.”

Half of his sleepiness was gone as he stared agog. He should have rejected that coldie. 

“Then, I saw you with your…friends? So I ate somewhere before heading back to the campus, and then, I saw you at the station.” 

“Ah…”

“You fell asleep as soon as the woman passed you the paper earlier, you were hugging it in your sleep,” said Taiga, pointing at his arms, “And you were mumbling a lot.”

Hokuto looked at his arms and he could only groan seeing them smudge with newspaper ink residue. He unfolded the paper, and saw “THE AGE” printed on the top center of a front page.

“I wasn’t reading this…wasn’t I reading mX?”

Taiga frowned and smiled as though he told a joke. “Are you still dreaming? That one is no longer in circulation.” 

The cloud of confusion ebbed away as goosebumps appeared on Hokuto’s arms. Taiga was right. The paper had ended its publication and he even rode the train to Flinders Street hoping to get the farewell issue. 

“That was all a dream?” He still couldn’t believe it as the train slowed to Huntingdale. Both of them stood up. Hokuto was too spooked by how real his dream was, he didn’t have time to wipe off the smudge from his arms.  

“Was the dream that good? I felt bad for waking you up,” asked Taiga while they waited for the bus. Both of them knew that the bus back to their campus usually took forever to arrive. 

Hokuto smiled wistfully. “Nah, waking up is better.” The dream was like a reminder to him, didn’t he only wish to talk to Taiga before? But he got more than what he wished for and couldn’t he be contended with that?

“Uhm, can I ask you something?” He asked, because he couldn’t. For the life of him, he couldn’t be contented with just that. 

Taiga jerked his head, and Hokuto could also sense the anticipation. They avoided it for months, but he guessed both of them were prepared for this talk. 

“Why did you do it?”

The wind blew harsher and he zipped up his jacket. He could see in Taiga’s eyes that he understood what he meant. The silence and coldness that followed was excruciating. He’d been wanting answers for a long time, and he was tired of making assumptions. Be it pity, or care, he just wanted to know. 

“I was frustrated,” said Taiga, sighing deeply. 

“...of me?” Hokuto clarified. 

Taiga looked in pain as he agreed. “Of you, me, of the situation.”

“Oh…?”

Taiga smiled bitterly. “I also kept asking myself why I did that. What are we to each other? I don’t even know a quarter about you, so why, why was I so frustrated? Why I hate seeing you allow yourself to be dissed like that?”

Hokuto had no words as he watched Taiga get more pissed at him.

“How can you, basically a stranger, affect me this much?”

Hokuto didn’t say anything. He understood Taiga. It’s frustrating for him as well, he just refused to voice it out. Hokuto subtly wiped away a tear. It wasn’t pity or care. It was anger, and somehow, he felt comforted by that. Anger is just as strong as love, but he wasn't being delusional that Taiga might be in love with him. No. Nah. There's no other meaning, it's just anger.

“Thank you for getting frustrated on my behalf,” he said and he really meant it. His relationship with Gavin did end after that, there was no closure, Gavin just refused to speak to him and blocked him with all his socials. Hokuto thought he would feel bad, but he just felt relieved. 

“Don’t thank me either, I’m not confident to say I did it with the purest intentions.”

Hokuto turned to Taiga in surprise. Looking straight into Taiga’s eyes felt so wrong like he was engaging in voyeurism. Taiga’s eyes were a pool of temptation. They say the devil tempts someone not with ugliness but with someone beautiful. Someone like Taiga, and no wonder some people choose hell.

“You have a girlfriend,” Hokuto murmured, albeit louder than what was necessary. It should have been a reminder for himself not to cross that line. But when Taiga heard it, his eyes widened as though, yeah, he has a girlfriend. 

Taiga took a step back, guilt troubled his face, and he was too preoccupied he had a misstep. Hokuto managed to pull him back before he could fall, wrapping an arm around his back to steady him, and bringing him closer to his face. Hokuto could feel Taiga’s heart beating, or maybe that was his own heart.

“Y-you almost fell,” he said as his voice quivered. Taiga was so close, that he could feel the air coming out of his parted lips, and for a second, he wanted to entertain the devil and just kissed Taiga. Let his kisses say what he can’t voice out.

The bus’s headlights were like his angel stopping him from sinning. He let go of Taiga, both of their faces red, and they couldn't look at each other as the bus’s doors opened. 

“Uhm-”

“You go ahead,” cuts Hokuto, “I just remembered I’ll be meeting my flatmate here,” he said, an obvious lie, and he doubted Taiga also believed him. 

“Then, bye, take care of yourself,” said Taiga, his voice steeped with uncertainty. 

Hokuto waited for the bus to leave before he could finally sigh. “Idiot. You’re the one who almost fell, or, haven’t you yet?”

He half groaned and chuckled as he looked up at the clear night, “God, this is so frustrating!”

When Taiga didn’t show up to his love note in 2015, he should have taken that as a sign that some things aren’t meant to be.

Feb 2024

T 🩷 I G A 

“Your depression screening before and today are so different, it feels like it was done by someone else.” 

Taiga knows lying is futile, but just like any man caught lying, he shall lie again. “It's been a long time, my feelings have changed since then.” 

“Hasn't it only been a week?” asked Dr. Kochi, an eyebrow raised. 

He bit his lip and lapsed into silence.

“Were you completely honest when you answered the questions?”

His answer was immediate. “Yes, I am.”

Kochi still gave him a skeptical look. “I’ll be prescribing you an antidepressant and you have to take this even if you’re feeling okay.” 

“Is - is an antidepressant really needed?” He asked with reluctance. “Can we try with just therapy first?” 

Kochi sighed, the look he gave him was grave. “I’m afraid that’s too late for you.”

“Oh!” Taiga thought that was as bad as getting a terminal disease, but if he’d be strict about the definition of terminal disease, depression could fit the bill.

“I don’t want to say this, but we’re both medical professionals-”

“Not me, I left halfway through my residency,” he cuts in, hoping the bitterness in his voice was concealed. 

“Okay…let me just put it this way then,” said Kochi and pointed at his bandaged hand, “When you were stabbed and bleeding, what's the initial thing you should do?”

“Try to stop the bleeding,” he simply answered. 

Kochi nodded. “Yes, we try to stop the bleeding. We don’t add more trauma to the skin. We wait for it to clot, and in your case, you have to have surgery.”

Taiga just nodded.

“And what do we do when we’re sad?”

Taiga didn’t expect the question and tilted his head to the side. “What do we do? Well, we don’t really let it affect us. It’s not like we can’t work just because we’re sad, life goes on…” he replied quietly as it slowly dawned on him what his doctor was trying to point out. 

“And that’s why we fucked up,” said Kochi, taking his prescription from the printer, “we don’t treat our mental problems like how we treat our physical ailments. Most of the time, we shrug it off. Sadness? Pffft. We don’t give ourselves time to heal. Little did we know, everything would pile up, we crashed and hoped we wouldn't burn.”

Taiga felt breathless, an invisible weight pressing on his chest.

“So, first things first,” his doctor continued, “You will take things slowly, you won’t resume work yet even when your stitches and splint are removed.”

Taiga looked at his bandaged hand and nodded with hesitation. His doctor wouldn’t know if he returned to work.  

“You will take your medications regularly and you will attend your therapy sessions.”

Taiga nodded with determination. “You can count me on that.”

“And lastly, you will express your positive or negative emotions. You will not bottle it up.”

He paused for a bit. “That sounds hard. I don’t think I can do that.”

“You can. I’ve seen you do worse,” he said with a smirk. 

“What do you mean, doctor?”

“The Eagle versus The Crow? I was there.” 

Taiga gasped and covered his mouth. Those were when he was wild and wicked and that Taiga had long been lost. 

“Uhm, so you’re not from here?” 

Kochi shook his head. “I know I’m not that popular but we went to the same uni.”

“Oh!”

“But I met someone from here and we decided to settle here.”

Taiga nodded. He’d been nodding a lot since he got into his psychiatrist's office. And Kochi did look familiar, maybe they’d run into each other back on campus, but he couldn’t place where. Maybe he was a friend of a friend or an acquaintance, but he was too embarrassed to ask. 

“So you didn’t go to school here?” 

“Why?” 

“Well, I’m just wondering if every secondary school student back in the 2010s was familiar with the abbreviation CFM?” 

“CFM? I’ve been there!” He looked excited when he said it, “I mean, only recently though. What about it?”

Taiga sighed. He knew what he wanted to do would be hard. “I’m trying to look for someone and CFM would be like my clue.” 

“One of my partner’s best mates is in the police, maybe he could help.”

“Errr, I don’t think I want the police involved,” he said with a horrified look. The thought of involving the police with a 9-year-old dating ad would be mortifying. He might as well join Flame Island as his mother suggested.

Kochi was quick to get on and asked quietly, “Is it a sensitive issue?”

Taiga is cringing inside. “Just super embarrassing.”

“If this could affect your treatment, I’ll be glad to help.”

Taiga pursed his lips. Would his sudden interest in the identity behind a 9-year-old ad affect his psyche? As cringeworthy as it is, but it’s highly likely. 

“I assure you, doctor, I’m not really taking this seriously. I’m just really curious. I mean, the person who sent this had probably forgotten all about this, I’m probably the only one thinking about this. It’s not that important.”

“You said a lot of things for something you deemed not that important.”

Taiga bit his lower lip and added. “Because it’s really not. It's…it's this.” He took out his phone and showed the snap of the ad. The ad could be read in less than 5 seconds, but for some reason, his doctor stared at it as though the ad was written in a foreign language. 

“Are you okay, doctor?” he asked, waving a hand to his face, “as I’ve said, it’s just…trivial.”

“No, you should find this person at all costs.”

Taiga didn’t expect that reaction, and even though he wanted to keep things professional between him and his doctor, he felt some sort of connectedness toward him. “R-really?” He asked, trying not to sound too happy about having support. “Don’t you think looking for this person might just give me unnecessary stress?”

“Of course not,” he said with conviction as though the word “stress” didn’t exist in his book.

“But what if this person turns out to be someone weird with a criminal history, sex offender, and psychopath?” He winced, realizing he just repeated everything Shintaro had said. So much for being not judgemental.

Taiga could see his doctor’s face and neck had gone red from trying not to laugh as he repeatedly kept clearing his throat. “Let’s try not to be pessimistic, but at the same time, let’s not take this too seriously. Treat this like a hobby, perhaps a treasure hunt? Looking for him will provide you with a much-needed distraction.”

Taiga scowled. “You said, him? Do you think a guy left this ad?”

Kochi blinked at his question. “I’m messing up my pronouns lately, you know, all that he/she/they stuff.”

“Ahhhh…”

“But - but will it be bad if it’s a guy?”

Hokuto’s pale face from the hospital appeared in his mind. “Well, not really. Even though I’m looking for that person, I have no idea what I want to do if I find him or her…or they.”

“Okay! Good luck and if there’s any way I can help you, just say so. Here’s your prescription and I’ll see you in 3 days.”

Taiga took his prescription, but deep inside, he dreaded the thought he might take it for life. He never thought he would feel this. Since when did taking a mere medicine become so burdensome? 

“Don’t overthink it,” said Kochi, the apprehension must be showing on his face.

He tried to smile. “Thank you for this.”

“Do you have any plans after this?”

“Yeah, I’m heading to CFM. I talked to their manager over the phone and he said he might have CCTV copies 9 years ago.”

He felt Kochi tense momentarily. “Oh, so…are you going there now?”

“Yes.”

“As in right at this moment? You’re heading straight there, you won’t be stopping elsewhere?”

He found himself confused with Kochi’s sudden interest in his itinerary. “Uhm, no, I’m heading straight there.”

“Why?”

“Why…not?”

“Why don’t you have lunch first? It's almost noon.”

“I’ll have my lunch there,” he said, unsure why Kochi seemed reluctant to let him go when he just said he should look for that person.

“Oh yeah, it's a restaurant. Very well, uhm, drive slowly-”

“I’m not driving, I’m taking an Uber.”

“Uber! I see, you should try booking now because I heard it's hard to get one lately.”

“I will. I’ll see you again soon.”

“Okay, tell your Uber to drive slowly, okay? Driving fast could stress you out.”

“Ah, I will. Thanks again.” He sighed as he shut the door. His doctor is acting weird. But he’ll think about it later as his palms started sweating from anticipation. He would just be checking a bunch of CCTV records, but for some reason, he felt nervous as though he would finally be meeting the person behind that note. 

H 🖤 K U T O

Hokuto’s eyelids were getting heavy while he waited for his take. He had a couple of in-camera consultations, and he was fighting to stay awake. He glanced at his now empty cup and wondered if it was decaf because it was definitely not working for him. Or maybe no amount of caffeine could wake him up after losing sleep from thinking of Taiga.

His phone rang and hesitated to answer it upon seeing who was calling. He sighed and picked up anyway. 

“Where are you?” Hokuto raised an eyebrow, he could sense some sort of urgency and amusement in Kochi’s voice.

“Filming, why?”

“‘To the guy wearing a white tux that got on at Killara to Wahroonga. We briefly met each other's eyes. Do you need someone to talk to? I’m all ears.’ You’re so cheesy, Hokuto, but it’s cute. Awwww,” said Kochi in an irritating baby voice.

He sat up straight, and the fog of sleepiness cleared as he looked around if someone nearby might have overheard Kochi even though his phone wasn’t on speaker. “How did you know that?” He whispered, growing nervous.

“You’re cooked. Taiga’s heading to CFM to check CCTV records.”

“What?!”

“So, I don't know what you’re going to do. Good luck.”

Hokuto didn’t have time to dawdle and headed over to Howard. “Can I leave for a bit? Like for an hour? Or two? Probably 3 to 4 because it’s quite far and the traffic?”

His director’s answer was immediate and firm, “No.”

Hokuto sighed. Desperation cursing through his veins. “Okay, you win!” He said, removing the tank top he wore, “I’ll even be on Speedos if you want me to, so can I leave for a bit?”

Howard replied quickly, beaming. “Of course! Is this some kind of an emergency? If there’s anything else I can help you with, just say so.”

Hokuto left and sped up to CFM. He’d probably racked up loads of speeding tickets if any cops wouldn’t try to stop him first. He reached CFM and was out of breath as he opened the modern barn-like doors of the restaurant. The place wasn’t that packed for weekday lunch and it was easy to spot Taiga, he was seated on one of the stools by the bar area with a laptop in front of him. 

“Hokuto?” He mouthed in surprise. 

Hokuto was about to speak, but he forgot he brought an entourage with him and Howard’s voice echoed throughout the place that one would think he was using a megaphone. 

“Ahhh, this is a lovely place for lunch! Why have I just heard of this place?” He exclaimed, spreading his arms wide like a main character. 

“It’s quite far but it’s nice, saw they have a golf course, too,” added Howard’s AD as though he was reciting from a script. Or maybe there was actually a script written in haste on their way to CFM.

“If the food is good, maybe we can have this place cater for the Islanders one time,” said Morticia, their location coordinator, looking so unimpressed.

Hokuto couldn’t even hide his cringe. He told Howard and co. to act natural, but he guessed this is why they were working behind-the-scenes, they can’t act. 

The man, who had been speaking with Taiga, approached them in haste. “G’day, welcome to Chives, Figs, and Mortar. I’m Frank, the manager.” 

“Oh, hi!” said Howard, “Sorry for barging in like this without a reservation, but table for 20, please.”

“Uhm, 22,” his assistant corrected. 

“22, please, and I see the potential of this area,” Howard added, making a grand gesture with his arms as though he was sprinkling glitter, “Perhaps we can talk a bit about business later.”

Hokuto swore, dollar signs glinted in Frank’s eyes. “No worries. This way, please.” 

The crew followed their director dutifully, most of them were at a loss as to why their director suddenly called for a pack-up to have lunch elsewhere, while some just wanted it to be over. Hokuto let everyone in first, before making his way to Taiga. 

“I didn’t expect to see you here,” he said, which was of course a lie, “Uhm, are you working right now?” 

Taiga’s face shifted from baffled to dejected. “Not really. I’m just checking something out, but it turns out to be negative.” Hokuto should feel relieved, it looked like Taiga didn’t get to see anything, but he also looked so dejected Hokuto felt bad.

Taiga gently closed the laptop just as his order of club sandwich and chips arrived. Taiga picked up a fry and started eating using his left hand. “Want some?”

“How have you been eating?” He asked instead since Taiga’s right hand was still in a splint.

“Hand or chopsticks. I can use my left hand well.” 

Hokuto nodded, recalling that Taiga was quite ambidextrous when he saw a tear fall from his eye.

“Taiga?” 

Taiga didn’t seem to notice he cried until Hokuto dabbed a napkin on his face. And the look Taiga gave him almost drove him insane. 

“Having expectations is hard, isn’t it?”

“Taiga…”

“By the way, Hokuto-”

“Yes?”

“Why are you only wearing board shorts?” 

He paused and looked down, his chocolate brown nipples hardening from the chill of the restaurant. He muttered all the expletives in his head. How could he not have noticed? He looked as if Baywatch was set on a ranch. 

“I’ve only seen your show in passing so I know what you’ve been wearing, but I didn’t think to see you with only this.” He glanced behind him, Howard was literally barking off orders from the menu. “Are you being bullied at work?” He whispered. 

“N-no, it’s not that.” He sounded so unsure of his answer that Taiga squinted his eyes disapprovingly. 

“I swear-” He hadn't finished explaining and Taiga marched off to where Howard was seated. 

“Having a good time?” said Taiga, crossing his arms. 

“Oooh! Who is this good-looking man, Hokuto? I think I’ve seen you somewhere?”

Taiga scoffed. “Hokuto? That’s Dr. Hokuto for you.”

Howard gaped, shook for someone correcting him as he threw him a look for help. “Uhm, Hokuto told us to just call him by his name.”

“That’s right, Taiga, I’m not that into titles -”

“Let me get this straight,” Taiga continued, as though he didn’t hear him, “Dr. Hokuto didn’t memorize 300 mental illnesses just for him to be dragged in here without his clothes on.” 

“Uhm, I’m the one who dragged them here,” he said in a small voice, “And I don’t memorize DSM-V.”

But Taiga continued to ignore him, it was as though he had a filter built in to block Hokuto’s protests.

“What do you think people are saying every time they see Hokuto with his nipples out on TV? Even my mother can’t recognize him with clothes on, because she’s used to seeing him naked!”

“I’m not exactly naked,” said Hokuto. He couldn’t believe he was defending his lack of wardrobe. He glanced around the restaurant and everyone was watching them exactly like the reality show he was in. He could only wish the ground would swallow him whole.

“Uhm, I’m sure the audience thinks he’s hot. That’s what everyone says on YouTube, right?” Howard asked and everyone on the table nodded quickly. Their faces conflicted as they decipher who is scarier between Taiga and Howard.

“Youtube?” Taiga scoffed, “Not on Reddit though.”

Hokuto couldn’t help but cocked an eyebrow. For someone who’d only seen their show “in passing”, Taiga had been reading subreddits about him. The thought made him just slightly happy until it was back to Big Yikes!

“They think he seduces his patients and sleeps around with them. No one sees him as a doctor, they see him as a himbo!”

Hokuto felt a hot sensation spread on his body and everyone at CFM witnessed his entire body turn red, while their “ooohs!” rang in his ears. 

“I’m quite unstable right now,” said Taiga, locking his hair behind his ear, “But if I see Hokuto’s nipples on TV again, your Flame Island will turn into a new set of Hostel 4. Am I clear?”

“Y-you’re kidding, right?” asked Howard.

Taiga raised his injured hand. “How do you think I got injured?”

Howard turned pale and wordlessly, nodded his head. 

“Good,” said Taiga, smirking as he reached-out his hand, “Now, take off your clothes and give it to Hokuto.”

“My clothes?” 

“I don’t need it, Taiga,” Hokuto objected, horrified that he had to wear Howard’s clothes.

“You don’t want to?” Taiga asked Howard as he looked threateningly at him.

“B-but it's drenched in sweat.”

“Excuse me, sir,” the CFM manager stepped in, “We have shirts here as souvenirs and we’ll be glad to give the doctor a free one.”

Everyone sighed in relief as they would be going home with shirts on their back.

“Okay, cool.”

“No worries.”

Taiga turned to Hokuto with such an angelic smile one would think everything that happened was just his imagination. 

“My doctor told me I shouldn’t stop myself from expressing my emotions, but it's more tiring than I thought,” he said, sighing as though he finished a marathon.

“Oh…” He’d better talk to Kochi.

Taiga smiled, his gaze faltered, and everyone gasped as Taiga fainted in his arms. 

Nov 2017

T 🩷 I G A 

November weather is one of Taiga’s favorites, sunny but not burning to the skin; cold and windy but with less chance of rain. At the moment, however, he is sweating buckets inside the Shrek costume. Aside from feeling hot and sticky, he has been inhaling a noxious mix of sweat, stale breath, and body odor of the past unfortunate medical students who had to wear the ogre costume. It made him think this must be how an ogre would smell if they existed. 

He now regretted telling the pediatric head he did theater in Year 10, even though he was a background prop. He guessed he should be happy for this promotion to a lead role, even though he would soon be 23 and still doing roleplay. The only good thing about his role was he didn’t need to speak, a peer of his was doing the voiceover by the stage side and all he needed to do was act as needed.

“....I now pronounce you King and Qu-” 

Taiga took a deep breath and charged through the hospital's polyester curtain.

“Stop the wedding!”

A dozen or so kids cheered. Taiga tried to look angry, which was so unnecessary because they couldn’t see him, and the mask he wore had a perpetual smug grin. 

Princess Fiona turned. The ogress Fiona, because the hospital couldn’t afford a pre-transformation Princess Fiona. 

“Shrek?”

“Fiona, I need to talk to you.”

The original script had Farquaad in this marriage ceremony but they needed to hasten the production and jumped to the juicy confession parts.

“Oh now you want to talk?” muttered Fiona. Taiga was thankful for the mask because no one saw him visibly cringe. They didn’t get to practice, because they were just informed of this program when they arrived for their shift. But Taiga hoped they at least auditioned for the voice actors. The one reading for Fiona was as flat as an asystole, she might need CPR. Meanwhile, the one inside the Princess Fiona costume was acting as though she was doing ASL as she did a lot of hand movements, Taiga wasn’t too sure. 

“Fiona, you can’t marry him!” 

“And why not?” 

“Because he’s not your true love.” 

“What do you know about true love?” 

“Well, I…duh…”

“Let’s hear what the…monster has to say. It might be worth a laugh.”

“Right…okay…uhm…”

Music started, but it was immediately drowned by a loud static, and it was too late for Taiga to realize that it was his character singing. He just stood there like a clueless and dumb ogre. He guessed he could pretend to sing, albeit the late start, but as he glanced at Fiona with her arms crossed while she tapped her right foot, he decided to might as well drag his leading lady to a dance. 

Except he also had no idea how to dance, and in a plot twist, Fiona ended up leading him; holding him close, guiding him where to place his ogre hands on her, and ending with their free hands clasped and raised as they gently waltz on their tiny stage. 

“...I’ll tear down a wall

And clear a spot for two

To be with you.”  

The song ended, both of them waiting for their respective voice actors to say their line, while they remained in a closed position. 

“You were saying?” asked Fiona and Taiga almost glanced beside the stage, because it's definitely a different Fiona. The new actress is not only more alive, her accent fits right in. 

“I’m your true love.”  Taiga flinched. He only saw Shrek once, but he was quite sure they made a huge time-skip. 

“Yeah I know, and I’m yours.” 

The donkey made an “awww” sound, the kids joined, and the narrator voiced, “Shrek leans in and kisses her…” The donkey and the audience went, “Oooh!”. 

Taiga hesitated for a bit, but he realized he was being stupid because the rubber on their faces basically made the kiss void. He closed his eyes, because why not, he might as well really act like he was kissing her. His bulbous nose bumped into her equally huge nose, making the kids giggle over the unintentional slapstick comedy, and even though they didn’t rehearse, they both tilted their heads to give each other easier access to their lips. 

“Waaaah!” The kids roar in appreciation, or probably it was more of the adults. He knew it was dumb, but he was thankful for the mask because his face was probably red. When was the last time he kissed someone? A little over a year since he became single. 

And Fiona was really pressing her ogress lips to his ogre lips. Fiona broke their kiss, and he felt a bit breathless, while the narrator continued her line, “Fiona slowly transforms to an ogress.”

The prop crew glided on stage, showering Fiona with glitters, ribbons, cotton-fluffs, and baby powder. Fiona’s voice floated amidst the props, “...until you find true love’s first kiss and then takes love's true form…true form…true form…”

“Fiona…are you alright?” asked Shrek, seeing Fiona’s true form, an ogress. 

“Well, yes, but I don’t understand. I’m supposed to be beautiful.

“But you are beautiful.”

Music flowed with the voice of Shrek, he knew he didn’t want to dance, and he was thankful when every student involved joined them on stage. It was such a mess, that they had no idea what else to do, and in the end, they all pretended to be humming the song, which turned out to be long and awkward. The song ended, and everyone burst into enthusiastic claps as though they’d just watched a Broadway masterpiece. 

Taiga finally let out a sigh. It was over. The play is not just the thing that’s over, because by Monday, he will be back in Uni as his rural health and rural community rota is done. 36 weeks in Gippsland had been a tremendous help to him, not just academically, but mentally as well. It was his “Eat, Pray, Love” even though he just ate most of the time. 

When the applause died down, their narrator introduced them one-by-one. Taiga could finally breathe a sigh of relief as he removed his ogre mask. The antiseptic smell was comforting as he waved back to the kids who were shouting his name like his biggest fans. He turned to Maya aka Fiona, but she didn’t bother removing her mask, until everyone bowed deeply, and left the stage. 

“Taiga, don’t you have any crazy socks?” asked Claire, one of the charged nurses, “We have an extra at the station - for a price of course.” 

“I brought one, I’ll wear it after I’m out of this costume,” he said and went to the meeting room to change, he opened the door and gasped upon seeing Maya’s naked back. 

“Sorry! Wrong room.” He quickly whirled around, his hand on the doorknob when Maya spoke. 

“You’re in the right room.”

Taiga froze. It was a man’s voice. A very familiar one. 

“The original Princess Fiona had an emergency before the wedding scene and let’s just say, I got bullied into it.” 

He wanted to put his mask back on, but his body must have been petrified. He couldn’t move and he couldn’t resist either when someone held his shoulder and steered him around until he had a good look at Hokuto. He looked directly into Hokuto’s eyes, and the moment he did, his chest trembled.

“It’s been a long time,” said Hokuto. He still looked like any Asian parent would be proud of, although he’d gotten thinner and paler,  there was something different about Hokuto. He felt hardened, a bit intense.

“Yeah, it’s been a long time,” he repeated. “So, how’s London?” He asked before he could stop himself. He should not know that Hokuto spent a year in London as an exchange student.

“Dreadful,” he said with a deadpan look. 

“Ohhh…”

“I heard you’re single.” 

Taiga did his best to keep his face blank. He had no idea how it reached Hokuto, but he didn’t want to ask either. “Well, yeah. And you, why are you here?” He asked, quickly changing the topic.

Hokuto seemed to block his question and asked, “Want a coldie later?” 

“Later?” He tried to come up with an excuse, but Hokuto decided to answer for him. 

“Okay, I’ll see you later. We’re here for the Mental Health Awareness Week for healthcare workers and I have a meeting to attend,” said Hokuto as he quickly finished dressing and before he opened the door. 

He still tried to get away. “Uhm, I don’t know if I’m available later, I think we have a farewell party-”

Hokuto glanced back, his face said it all, saying no was not an option.

“Either you’re available later, or,” Hokuto leaned closer, his hot breath was enough for the hair on his nape to stand, “The next time Fiona and Shrek kissed, they wouldn’t be wearing a mask.”

The world around him fell silent. A tingling sensation traveled down his back, and he could only stare as Hokuto gave him a teasing smile, before he walked away. 

H 🖤 K U T O 

“It wasn’t me, it was the ogre in me speaking earlier .” Hokuto sighed, Taiga would never forgive him for his brashness once the shock wore off. Taiga might have even gone home, because why would he wait for him?

“But what can I do? I terribly miss him.” He went to the medical clerks' room where he was told where the Year 4 students would convene. He only saw two people there and when he asked about Taiga, “I think he’d gone home” was their response. 

He left the hospital with his shoulders slumped, feeling dejected, and foolish for expecting too much. He spent the day running a mental health check to the hospital’s staff and now, he probably needed one. He thought the 2 semesters he spent in London changed him. He didn’t jump into the dating scene immediately, but he did try to go out and meet new people. But after surprisingly seeing Taiga earlier, the old him is back; pinning and entertaining “what ifs”.

He sighed and told himself to get over it. Lady Luck had been kind to him since he chose to stop pinning for Taiga. Despite the awful weather in London, his days had been easy, and luck would still shine upon him even in what he thought were his most trying times.

“Hokuto!” 

A chill ran down his spine when he heard that almost hysterical scream, he turned around and saw Taiga panting behind him. 

“Why do you walk so fast?” asked Taiga between catching his breath, “I’ve been calling you!”

“I thought you’d gone home,” he said softly, clenching his hands to his side or he might do something brazen again like hugging Taiga. 

“Obviously, I’m still here. Do you have a place in mind?”

He slowly shook his head. They just arrived yesterday and he only knew how to go home. 

“Then, follow me, I know a good place.” 

The good place Taiga knew turned out to be a colonial-styled hotel.

“It’s a small town and most pubs are in the hotels,” said Taiga, the apprehension on his face must be showing, but he tried to deny it. 

“I’m just thinking this place must be expensive since it’s in a hotel.”

“If you say so,” said Taiga as he opened the doors for him to the pub. It’s the start of the weekend and a cricket match is being broadcast on the telly. The pub was almost full of people of all ages, there were even families with little kids, but the most raucous bunch were the cricket fans. Their eyes glued to the telly while chugging a beer and wearing the country’s colors. 

They were given a seat somewhere in the middle where Hokuto found himself being stared at by a kid with the clearest blue eyes. 

“Are you okay here? Or do you prefer somewhere quieter?” asked Taiga, he was almost shouting as a few men erupted to a cheer, some even exchanged a high-five with them. Hokuto was not a fan of any sports save for football, and he always thought of cricket as being long and boring. So it was quite a surprise to see cricket fans with this much energy. 

“I’m fine here,” he lied. Both of them ordered fish and chips and two glasses of Victoria Bitter. 

“I would think you’d gotten tired of fish and chips,” said Taiga, “Is it not better over there?” 

“Just the same,” he said. He really didn't want to eat another fish and chips but he couldn’t think straight either with Taiga being so close. Instead of sitting across from him, he transferred his seat beside him so they could talk without having to shout. 

Taiga nodded and eyed him curiously. “So, lost all your spunk earlier, huh?”

“I’m really sorry about that,” he said quickly, “I thought I was still an ogre…ogress.”

“That’s too bad, I prefer when you lead me on.” 

Hokuto had to close his mouth when their orders arrived. What did that comment sound so…submissive, but in a sexy way if that made sense? The cricket fans were loud again, and the blue-eyed baby decided to have a tantrum, his shrieks even shocked nearby fans. 

Although they were watching cricket, Taiga and he were playing ping-pong, Taiga would throw mundane questions, like, “Does it really always rain in London?”, and he would throw in the shortest reply, “Yeah”. He must have bored Taiga with his answers because Taiga switched his attention to the game so he also turned to the telly. He had no idea about the rules of the game, and he didn’t even notice he finished his beer. 

He was about to order another glass when Taiga spoke, “Do you want to go out with me?” 

Hokuto thought he would choke on his chip, but quickly realized he wasn’t eating any chip, but his esophagus decided to contract from sheer surprise. 

He looked at Taiga, his full attention now on him, and everything else seemed to have muted save for the pounding of his chest. 

“Are you asking me out?” Wrong answer, he muttered to himself. He should summon that inner ogre, or ogress, back. 

Taiga blinked, looking baffled either by his question or his answer, and Hokuto would really smack himself if Taiga changed his mind. 

“Are you…seeing anyone right now?” asked Taiga. 

Hokuto shook his head. 

“Then, do you want to date me?”

Hokuto blinked as it dawned on him what should be his question. “Why are you asking me out?”

Taiga finished the rest of his beer as though it was his fuel for what he said next, “I like you.”

The cricket crowd made a cry of hurrah and Hokuto felt those cheers were all for him.

“It took me a while to realize that, and when I did, you were already on a flight to London. I thought that with your absence, my feelings for you would eventually be gone, but I guess…you took my heart with you when you left.” 

The crowd started chanting, “Same old Aussies, always winning. Same old England, always whinging,” and Hokuto wanted to shout for them to shut up. But he couldn’t speak or move, afraid that a mere movement would shatter this bubble he was in. It was one of those times when the reality was better than his dreams.

“You took my heart with you when you left.” He wasn’t even a royalist, but God Save the Queen.

“So…” Taiga looked at him earnestly, “Will you go out-”

“Say no more,” he cuts in and kisses Taiga. He felt Taiga tense, before he pulled away. His eyes were wide with surprise.

“There are people around,” Taiga whispered, his face growing red.

A different chant echoed around the bar. Their eyes glued on the telly.

“Nah, they're too busy to mind,” he swooped in for another kiss. Taiga still hesitated, but it was just for a moment as he softened and kissed him back, drowning every bit of noise around them with their lips. 

It looked like Lady Luck was still favoring him.

Feb 2024

T 🩷 I G A 

When Taiga next opened his eyes, an unfamiliar man with sleek grey hair and thick-framed glasses was smiling down at him. He just absentmindedly stared and it took him quite some time to deduce that the man was real and not a hallucination.

“Where am I?” He asked, his voice feeble.

“You look like an angel while you sleep, those eyelashes should be criminal. Are you interested in modeling?”

Taiga needed clarification. He slowly sat up, feeling jaded while the man took something from a card case.

“Silver Brinski. I’m an agent, and I also represent Hokuto.”

He read his card with passing interest. “Uhm, am I at Hokuto’s…?”

“Side-hustle,” Silver said, parting the curtains and he had to shield his eyes. “Welcome to Flame Island.” 

“Flame Island?” He repeated, a bit more awake now when he understood he was in the infamous bayside mansion. He probably should have taken videos for his mother, but he decided against it because his mother would surely have her hopes up that he might join the reality show.

“He has an ongoing consultation at the moment, and I know what you’re thinking, are those not scripted?” 

Taiga didn’t say anything. He wasn’t even thinking about anything but Silver Brinski acted like he was tired of giving these explanations.

“Of course, they are not scripted. But you know, reality shows won’t survive without the drama and one of the hottest teas is spilled when they’re in consultation with Hokuto.” 

“What happened to patient-doctor confidentiality?” He asked, genuinely interested. 

Silver shrugged. “They all signed a waiver. But after what happened to one islander last season, Hokuto sometimes gets involved with editing to make sure some stuff doesn't get aired.” 

Taiga smiled. It was lovely to hear Hokuto advocating for his clients. 

“Uhm, what happened last season?”

“Oh, this happened before Hokuto joined the show, but one islander unalive herself as soon as she was voted out because she couldn’t take the backlash.”

“That’s…awful.” Taiga thinks he might have heard about it in the news, but it was 2021 and his mind was all over the place. 

Silver nodded glumly, the door opened and a staff member asked to speak to him. 

“Feel free to roam around, just stay on the grounds and avoid the main mansion,” Silver said before leaving the room. 

He sighed and stretched his arms. He guessed expressing his emotions did him good. He had a restful nap and hoped it didn’t cost Hokuto his job. He had to admit he might have overreacted a bit, just a bit. 

“Should I apologize to that director? Tch. I really don’t want to.” He got up and an invigorating sea breeze fanned his face as he opened the door. 

“Nice!” He took deep breaths, feasting his eyes on the cerulean blue sea, listening to the crashing of the waves, and letting his face be sun-drenched. He didn’t realize he’d gone farther until the grassy path became slate stone tiles. He followed the path until his eyes fell to a shaded patio filled with jacaranda flowers. There were two beach chairs, one occupied by Hokuto and the other, by a woman in an oversized tee, whom he recognized as one of the islanders. A single camera was pointed at them, while a man by the side was busy on his iPad, probably taking notes. 

The woman appeared in distress, mascara running down her cheeks, while Hokuto sat at a respectable distance. Taiga was too far away to overhear anything but close enough to watch Hokuto. The director must have heeded his threat, Hokuto was still wearing board shorts, but he now wore a shirt with a print that reads, “Keep Talking, I’m Diagnosing You.” He looked so dependable, and at the same time, so dreamy. 

He slapped his cheek as his thoughts threaded on a forbidden territory. Hokuto was done listening and he started speaking now, and Taiga could only smile to see that some things hadn't changed, Hokuto still spoke at length, and Taiga wondered how much editing had to be done to cut Hokuto’s talk. Hokuto spotted him, both of them caught off guard, and both of them smiled as though they shared a joke. 

“Welcome to Flame Island!” 

Taiga was startled and he tried not to appear disgusted as Howard approached him.

“Glad to see you’re awake.”

“Obviously,” he murmured, before forcing a smile and dipping his head slowly, “I apologize for how I acted earlier. That was so impudent of me-”

Howard raised his hand to stop him from continuing. “I don’t need an apology but I accept it nonetheless. I may not look like it, but I won’t be in this business if I’m onion-skinned, I eat hate and criticisms for breakfast.”

“Oh…okay.” He wouldn’t deny that he was a tiny bit impressed. 

“So…you and Dr Hokuto are?” He inquired, his eyes drifting to the patio. 

“We went to the same Uni,” he simply said. His relationship with Hokuto remained a tricky territory. 

“I see. Uni, huh? And what happened to you earlier? Are you okay?” 

Taiga frowned. “Right, I fainted-”

“No, not that, before you fainted…”

“Uhm, the one where I picked a fight with you?”

“Before that, before we arrived at Chives-something.”

Taiga remained frowning. “What happened to me? I can’t think of anything significant that happened to me at CFM today.” 

Howard was the one scowling now. “So Hokuto…just wanted to ditch work?”

“I don’t get what you mean…”

“I thought there was some kind of an emergency when Hokuto asked to leave earlier, turns out there was nothing?”

“I thought you guys went there for lunch?”

“We did, but we wouldn’t be driving all the way there if it weren’t for Hokuto. I thought something bad must have happened to you - oh, they’re done! Excuse me.”

Taiga watched Howard approach an islander who’d been speaking to Hokuto earlier, and when his eyes drifted to Hokuto, he began sharing Howard’s confusion. Did Hokuto bring all of them to CFM for what? For…him? But why? And how did Hokuto even know he would be at CFM? Only Kochi knows.

“How are you feeling? How long have you woken-up?”

“Hmmm?”

“You passed-out and I assumed it was just a psychogenic blackout. Nothing to worry about unless it keeps on happening when you’re anxious or too overwhelmed.”

“Hmmm?”

“Hmmm?” Hokuto repeated, tilting his head to the side and Taiga had a good view of the now empty patio.

“Oh! You’re done with filming?” He asked, cringing inwardly at how far his thoughts had traveled.

“I am. Didn’t you see us finished?”

“Uhm, I-I did. This is actually a nice place,” he said, quickly changing the topic and turning to look at the back of the mansion where the islanders lived. 

“It is, if there will be a next season, I’m sure Howard won’t say no to you.”

Hokuto was grinning when he turned to him and asked, “Will you be there if I join?”

Hokuto frowned. “As a psychologist or an islander?”

“Who do you want to be?”

“Neither. I want this to be my last season.”

“Oh, I guess I won’t join then.”

Hokuto scoffed. “You will never join a show like this,” he said with confidence.

“How sure are you?” He asked in a challenging tone, crossing his arms. 

“You never liked PDA, remember?” Hokuto asked in an equally challenging tone. “There are cameras here everywhere, how will you deal with that?”

“You never liked PDA, remember?” Taiga repeated that question in his head as Hokuto stepped away when Howard called him. 

“You never liked PDA, remember?”  Of course, Hokuto would know. 

H 🖤 K U T O  

“Uhm, do you want to have dinner somewhere?” asked Hokuto when they were almost at their place. He’d been wanting to ask Taiga for dinner, but he’d been quiet throughout the ride. The type of quiet where you just knew they didn’t want to be bothered, and Taiga had that energy since they left the bayside mansion. 

“I’m good, I had three lava cakes with different fillings earlier.” 

He nodded. The mansion’s resident chef decided to have Taiga be the taste-tester of a few desserts she’d been experimenting with. 

“Uhm…you were speaking to Howard earlier?” He finally found the courage to ask as Taiga’s Hyacinth building came into view. “Is he trying to recruit you for the next season?” He added. He didn’t want Taiga to think that he was concerned about something that he shouldn’t be concerned about. 

Taiga turned. “He asked me about our relationship.”

“Ah…”

“I told him we went to Uni together.”

“Right and we’re here,” he said but Taiga didn’t look like he was ready to leave. 

“Should I have told him we used to date?” 

Hokuto tried to appear nonchalant. Their dating history could rival every islander’s story. “You answered correctly. Knowing Howard, if you told him our situation before, he’d probably make you enter Flame Island even just to cause chaos.” 

“Which I wouldn’t have the guts to do with all the cameras – as you’ve said. By the way, the woman whom you spoke to earlier, she’s the one with an ex inside, right?”

He cocked an eyebrow. Taiga is contradicting himself, he definitely didn’t see the show by chance. “Right. Having four islanders who were exes was the highlight of this season just to see if they would even attempt to get back together for the competition, or love, or money,” he narrated, which was basically the spiel of the MCs.

“That’s wild. Can you imagine us being there?”

Hokuto was now growing nervous about Taiga’s interest in the show. “What did Howard really tell you?”

Taiga giggled. “I’m just kidding. I really admire the islanders for having the grit to be judged by strangers, and I admire you for helping them get through this.”

Hokuto had no words. Being praised by Taiga would forever be one of his weaknesses and as a proof, his ears felt hot. 

“I don’t think my mental health would be able to take it, you know what happened when…” Taiga paused and Hokuto waited with bated breath, before Taiga changed the topic, “Uhm, I actually started seeing a psychiatrist for depression.” 

Hokuto just nodded. Even though he’d been in the business for years, he had no idea what to say when someone told him they'd been seeing a shrink. It was along the lines when someone offered you “Condolences”, saying “Thank You” seemed apt enough, but it still felt weird and even wrong.

“...and I would be moving with my mother for a while during treatment, I guess as a precaution in case I decided to, I don’t know, hang-a-roo .”

“Taiga, don’t think like that,” he said with horror. 

“Just like earlier, I think I’m going to be more impulsive. I guess it’s that thought that I missed out on a lot of things because I’m too depressed and as my psychiatrist said, I should no longer bottle up my emotions.”

Hokuto, again, tried to be chill. Impulsivity is a symptom of depression, and in Taiga’s personality, it could be dangerous. He should really speak to Kochi. Taiga might go bungee-jumping next time, join Flame Island, or worse, do something irreversible to himself. 

“As long as you won’t hurt yourself from being impulsive,” he said carefully. “I think giving in to your positive desires that you think you’ve locked up would be good. Just don’t think of joining Flame Island, ever!” He finished.

Taiga just smiled as though he just said something funny. “It’s really nice that I get to talk to you like this.” 

“Well..why not?” 

“Because…of our past.”

“Past is past.”

Taiga remained smiling, more wistfully than amused. “Right. Thank you for dropping me off,” he said quickly as he removed his seatbelt, “I guess I’ll see you around.”

“Take care,” he said. Taiga waved him goodbye and entered the compound.

He held the steering wheel tight and sighed. “Past is past, huh?” He shook his head and drove home. 

The next couple of weeks have been booked and busy for him. He had no idea if Taiga had left Hyacinth. He didn’t dare to try if Taiga was still using his old number. Thankfully, Kochi would nicely inform him if Taiga attended his therapy session, but other than that, he wouldn’t share anything more about Taiga’s progress. Each night, he would walk Luke until they reached Hyacinth and they would circle the area for a bit, hoping to catch a glimpse of Taiga if he was still there. He knew it was ridiculous to wait for someone whom he just told, “Past is past”.

Until one evening on his way home, he received a call from Kochi, and the worry-wart in him made his heartbeat shoot to 100s in mere seconds for fear it might be bad news about Taiga. 

“Is everything okay with Taiga?” He asked as he pulled over to the side of the road. 

Kochi’s reply was odd, “Oh, so you’re watching right now?” 

“Huh? What do you mean?” 

“60 Minutes, quickly!’ 

He was confused. He is familiar with the said documentary show, but he didn’t see the urgency. “What about 60 minutes?” 

“Taiga is having a special interview.”

He was agog. “What?!” 

He slammed on the gas, he tried speaking to Kochi, but all he could hear was Taiga’s voice on the telly. Luke was all over him as he arrived home, he immediately tuned in to Channel 9, and Taiga’s voice soon filled his living-room. 

“I’m not really expecting anything,” said Taiga, smiling at one of the channel’s top reporters, Sarah Brown. One would think Taiga must be flirting with her, or maybe it was only Hokuto thinking that. 

“I just want to put a face to that name,” added Taiga, “And let’s see what happens next.” 

Hokuto was confused. What was Taiga talking about? The interview looked recorded, because Sarah Brown was back at the studio and what he saw on the green screen made his knees go weak. 

It was his Here’s Looking at You note.

Sarah Brown continued, “If you’re CFM6, you may reach our dedicated email address for this search, send us an email at [email protected] .”

Luke must have sensed his distress as he stopped demanding a belly rub and simply placed his chin on his thigh. Hokuto started stroking his head while credits on the telly rolled in. 

“Luke…what do you think of Tasmania?”

“Hokuto? Hokuto?” 

He placed his phone on a loudspeaker. 

“...did you see all of that? I think it’ll be uploaded on Youtube too,” said Kochi over the phone. 

“Do you think Yo Oizumi fits me as a new name?” He asked. 

“Sorry,” said Kochi, “When I told him to express his emotions, I didn’t mean something like this.” 

“I’m at fault too,” he said, still in shock, “I told him it’s okay to be impulsive as long as he’s not hurting himself….Guess who will pay for that advice? Hah! Life comes in full circle, how is that?”

“You know what’s the only solution to this, right?”

He closed his eyes and lay on the floor. He knows, but he doesn't know how. Or he knows, but he just can’t. 

But one thing is for sure, no secrets can remain hidden. 

Nov 2017

T 🩷 I G A

“Don’t you think of doing anything funny, we’re just spending the night here because it’s late, all the buses and taxis are gone, and we’re so lame not to have cars,” said Taiga, trying his best to look uninterested as Hokuto lay down in the right lateral recumbent position with nothing but a bathrobe on. And why is he using a medical term for this? Also, why is the hotel out of twin beds? 

“You’re the one who's thinking something else,” said Hokuto, never leaving his gaze as he bent one leg, and gave Taiga a view of his toned thighs, “I don’t have extra clean clothes and I don’t want to sleep on what I wore for work and before work.”

“Tch. So should I sleep on the floor then?” asked Taiga as he decided to wear his scrubs. 

“I don’t mind a bit of microbes,” said Hokuto, urgently patting the space next to him.

Taiga scoffed, and acted like it was such an inconvenience for him to share a bed. “Did you put that on after thoroughly drying your body? I hate it when it's damp.”

“I blow-dried my body,” joked Hokuto, or he thought it was a joke, but he didn’t have time to think about it when Hokuto spooned against his back, hugging him tightly. 

“You smell like baby powder,” said Taiga, sniffing Hokuto’s fingers. 

Hokuto sniffed his nape, sending delicious shivers down his spine. “You smell of the ward.”

He giggled and turned around. Hokuto’s eyes were either sleepy or sultry-looking, but they looked so tempting he just had to lock lips with him again. Hokuto tastes so good that the supposedly peck on the lips turns needy to a full-on make-out session. It was such a shame he had to pause for air.

“You said nothing funny,” murmured Hokuto, his lips giving butterfly kisses as he spoke.

“Is kissing funny?”

“It could easily move to funny.”

Taiga chuckled, blaming that one glass of alcohol for why he couldn’t stop giggling.

“Uhm, can I ask you something?” 

“What?” Asked Hokuto while he played with the tiny hairs on his arm.

“Uhm, where did you hear I’m single?”

“Hmmm, that…” he murmured lazily.

“What’s with that reaction?” His eyes squinted, eyeing Hokuto suspiciously, “Did…did she tell you?” His break-up with Ailsa was like a messy divorce. The type where the wife would bleed her husband dry. Even their 2 other flatmates were not spared from having to choose sides between mommy and daddy. The only reason their divorce didn’t escalate to a decade-long battle was Ailsa’s graduation, and whether she liked it or not, she had to leave their apartment and campus. 

“I arrived last September,” said Hokuto, “And I met her when I had some business at the registrar.”

“Ahhh, do I want to know what she told you?” He asked, biting his lower lip and bracing himself for a lot of name-shaming and cursing.

Hokuto hesitated while looking amused. “She meant no offense….”

Taiga swallowed hard, he would definitely get offended.

“...she said she used to hate me, but she realized that I’m just a victim of your…indecisiveness.” 

Taiga grappled for words as he placed a hand on his chest. He felt like a homewrecker who was blamed for everything that had gone wrong. 

Hokuto seemed oblivious to his dilemma and continued to drop bombs. “Uhm, I spoke with Ailsa after that incident at the pizzeria, remember you were avoiding me that time?”

Taiga managed a nod.

“Well, I ran on to her and she told me that you just pitied me and I shouldn’t give it more meaning.”

He raised an eyebrow. He had no idea something like that had been happening. 

“I did try not to think much about it. I avoided you, until we ran into each other at the gallery, and do you remember our convo while we waited for the bus?”

He nodded. He recalled that night with stark clarity. It was the night he finally admitted and accepted his true feelings for Hokuto, but decided to mask it as frustration. After all, there was some truth to that frustration, because that was what he felt for the next few months. He guessed rather than indecisive, he was really conflicted.

“I decided to really step back after that night. I knew it wouldn’t be easy if I would still see you around the campus, so I accepted a previous offer I declined about being an exchange student. And before I left, I sent Ailsa a message.”

“You sent her a message?” He clarified, trying not to sound jealous, “You know her number?” He didn’t even know Hokuto’s number until now, yet somehow he was able to contact Ailsa.

Hokuto smiled. “She gave all of us her card when we did that fashion stint at NGV.”

“Ahhhh…”

“Anyway, I told her that I'm leaving for a while and I sincerely hope that both of you will patch things up,” he said shyly.

“In short, you decided to give me up,” he concluded.

Hokuto appeared affronted. “I don’t like the way that sounded, but I guess I’m guilty of giving-up easily. I gave you up twice.”

Scowling, he asked, “Twice? What do you mean?”

“Uhm, well,” Hokuto avoided his eyes, “let’s just say you already caught my attention the first time I saw you…then, I learned you have a girlfriend.”

Taiga didn’t think he would like Hokuto more. Thankfully, Hokuto was too flustered to look at him, because he couldn’t keep himself from smiling. He now understood why Hokuto looked shocked when they first met. He must have made quite an impression despite his daggy outfit.

“Oh..uhm, I didn’t think I was such a looker back at the library,” he said, clearing his throat to cover his glee.

Hokuto looked back at him, his face shifted from confusion to surprise and enlightenment. “Right…the library.”

“Did I say something wrong?” He asked as he tried to break through his mountain of memories. 

“No. Nothing.”

“O…kay,” he said, but he again felt that he had done something wrong, and the mood in the room shifted to awkward. 

“Hokuto…”

“Hmmm?”

“Sorry if it took me a long time.”

Hokuto chuckled. “Why are you talking like we’re 80 and about to die? We still have a lot of time.”

He shook his head, smiling apologetically. “What I meant was, it took me a while to realize I like you. It was like falling in love for the first time again, but compared to how I told everyone that I was in love with our teacher, somehow, I didn’t have the confidence this time. I know I like you, but what should I do with those feelings?”

“Because…I’m gay?”

He reluctantly nodded. “I’m the worst, aren’t I?”

Hokuto gently cupped his face and kissed his forehead. “There’s no need to apologize, I understand, and I’m thankful you chose to be brave and be with me.”

He hugged him close, loving the softness of the bathrobe on his face. “Also, I’m not mad that you chose to give up on me before. You deserve to be happy with someone who loves you.”

“And I chose Gavin of all people.”

He chuckled and continued in a more serious tone as he looked into his eyes, “Still, I’m not asking you not to give up on me, but if there comes a time when being with me gets too hard, tell me, so I can help you to hold on. But also, if you ask me to let you go, I will -”

“Why are you being pessimistic?” asked Hokuto, aghast,  “I assure you being with me is not a Romeo and Juliet situation.”

“I’m just being realistic,” he argued. 

“Screw that,” said Hokuto as he straddled on top of him, “Let’s do ‘funny’ instead.”

Taiga’s eyes were wide in astonishment as Hokuto’s fingers started moving like crab’s pincers. “What are you planning to do? Don’t you dare! I swear - ack!”

His protest subsided and was replaced with fits of giggles as Hokuto attacked him with tickles, and it didn’t take long for a staff member to knock on their door because of noise complaints. 

H 🖤 K U T O 

Hokuto is happy. Even when a patient throws poop at him, he is still happy. Even when their clinical abstractor made him redo 124 slides in less than 4 hours, he was still happy. Even when the hospital only listens but will not do a thing to their suggestions on how to keep their staff sane, he is still happy. Even when the car he rented keeps breaking down every 30 minutes, he is still happy. Even when the hay farm next to their accommodation has a Pied Piper of Hamelin situation every night, he is still happy. Even when his cycle of bad and good luck has returned, he is still very much happy.

No one could ruin his day or week, because, at the end of the day, he gets to have a video chat with his boyfriend. 

“Hi!” said Hokuto, making a cutesy double-wave after he propped-up his phone in his locker. 

Taiga just waved, his face so close to the camera he couldn’t see where he could be. 

“What’s up?” He asked, stripping. 

“Seriously, Hokuto, do you have to show me your ass?” said Taiga, smirking.

He chuckled. “I’m just changing and I’m sure you missed this.” He smacked his butt and started wiggling his hips to the tune of “Waka Waka”, making Taiga red from laughing. 

“Stop that,” said Taiga, covering half of his face from a secondhand embarrassment. 

“Why? I’m dancing because I’ll be seeing you again in 2 days,” he continued to jiggle when the door opened. He quickly resumed dressing and almost fell on the floor from trying to put one leg into his pants

“Are you okay?” asked Rico, he’s one of the nurses that’s super nice to him.

“No worries,” he said, glancing at his phone and seeing the screen black. He hastened to dress when Rico spoke again.

“Uhm, Hokuto, I overheard the other day that you’re gay, and I’m wondering if -”

“Sorry,” he said quickly as he took off all the contents of his locker, “I’m taken.”

“Oh, t-that’s great!”

“Thank you, it has been really great,” he said and his heart just swelled. “Uhm, thanks for everything, bye!” 

He left the room and bid goodbye to the rest of the staff who took care of them for a week. He was just eager to go home. Taiga thought that he wouldn't be returning until Sunday, but no, he would be surprising his boyfriend by returning tonight to the campus.

He was walking to his rented car when someone covered his eyes and he could just tell.

“Taiga…”

“Eh? What gave me away?”

Hokuto shrugged. “I’m not really sure, your touch? And why are you still covering my eyes?”

Taiga just giggled and instructed him to keep his eyes closed, and the next thing he knew, he was being blindfolded.

“What’s this? What’s this?” The horny part of him was just thrilled by the unknown.

“It’s a surprise,” said Taiga, steering him somewhere until he had to slouch to enter a vehicle.

“Oooh, where are we going? Are you driving?”

“Nah, I can’t drive. But my best mate here is driving us somewhere I can’t disclose.”

“Best mate?” He couldn’t help but smile, getting introduced to Taiga’s best mate was a huge deal.

“Oh yeah, Shintaro, meet Hokuto. Shin drove from Sydney to help me.”

“Yeah because I’m being blackmailed,” he heard Shintaro grumble, but his tone turned sweet at him, “Nice to meet you, Hokuto, although you can’t really see me congratulations on making my best mate into a homo-”

He heard some smacking. “Why would you say that?” Taiga complained.

“Why? Is that…homophobic?”

“Don’t mind him, Hokuto,” said Taiga and Hokuto wasn’t able to reply as Taiga continued, “Just drive if you don’t want me to tell auntie you invested their money at an emu farm.”

The car started moving, but Taiga and Shintaro were still arguing, it was easy to tell from their banter that they were really close, and Hokuto found himself amused with their raillery.

“Emu oil is all the rage now, they put it in a lot of products. I just learned last night that even my deodorant has emu oil. I’m expecting a really huge return.”

“Pray hard if you don’t want your mother to squeeze your face for oil.”

“Tsk. Tsk. Business is all about taking risks.”

“That’s why I didn’t take up business.”

“Once it gets big, I’ll name an emu after you.”

“Not interested and are we on the right path?”

Hokuto didn’t want to ruin the surprise, but he raised his chin until he could see something below his blindfold and it was just an endless expanse of grass. He couldn’t help to be nervous, and hoped that wherever they were headed, it didn’t have the rat situation of his neighboring hay farm. 

“I’m just following the GPS, what kind of woop woop place is this?”

“Typical Sydneysider, you’re such a snob,” said Taiga with such a snooty air. 

“Pfft, I doubt this area even has plumbing. Have they developed this area since we were a penal colony?”

“Isn’t that where you used to live until you were two? Botany Bay, is it?”

“Now, you’re being a snob,” said Shintaro with fervor.

“Hah!”

Hokuto tried to take a peek again. Although he’s confident Taiga means no harm, he just needs to check. 

“Don’t try to peek, Hokuto, if you don’t want me to tie your hands,” said Taiga and he immediately lowered his head. 

“I think this is the place!” said Taiga excitedly, “Over there – there!”

“Are you sure?” 

Hokuto may not know Shintaro, but he shares his doubts. The road became sort-of uneven, they slowed, until they went to a full-stop. 

“Don’t peek, Hokuto, we’ll be quick.” 

He heard them unbuckle their seat belts, doors opening and closing, and he could also feel the trunk open. He counted to 60 because he needed to check where they were, but he was just on 55 when his side was opened. 

“Let’s go, Hokuto,” said Taiga, holding both of his hands. 

“You guys will be fine?” 

“We will. Thank you, bruv.”

“No worries, nice meeting you, Hokuto, and behave yourselves here.” 

“Uhm, I wish we could meet again without the blindfold,” said Hokuto, unsure where Shintaro is.

“We will, take care.”

He listened to the engines until he could hear nothing but the blowing of the wind. “Are we near the sea?” He asked although he couldn’t hear any waves crashing. 

“Nah, we are…” Taiga steered him to wherever before taking off his blindfold, “...going camping! Happy weeksary!”

He found himself stunned as he looked at the miles and miles of rolling hills. The breeze feels amazing, the air is fresh, and the horizon looks spectacular. 

“We went here during our rota and I thought the place was marvelous, don’t you like it?” asked Taiga as he smiled with anticipation. 

“I’m overwhelmed.” Taiga kissed him, and he just couldn’t tell him. He couldn’t tell Taiga that he wasn’t an outdoor person. It was amazing he reached this age, alive and had no thoughts of migrating, because all those spiders, bugs, rodents, snakes, crocs, and so on, he couldn’t deal with them. He doesn’t even own a single pair of thongs, because he preferred his feet covered even during summer.

“Look at our tent, it’s Shintaro’s and he allowed us to use it!” 

“Niiiice…” he said at the triangular-shaped tent, “Is that it? There’s no something like a…door?”

“Nah, it’s more breezy and we can enjoy the stars later.” 

“Uhm, is this place safe? Are there no snakes? Bugs? Rats? They could get in the tent.”

“Don’t worry,” said Taiga, still looking so enthusiastic, “Shintaro said as long as we keep the fire going, they wouldn’t dare.”

“Really?” He wanted to cry so bad. 

“Really. Now, let me start the fire.” 

He sighed. He couldn’t move and just watched Taiga rummage through an icebox and a duffel bag. 

“Fuck.”

His chest started drumming, Fuck never sounded good unless they were on the bed. Why didn’t Taiga reserve a bed instead? 

“Why? What’s wrong?”

“Can you make a fire? I left the other bag with duraflame, lighter, and gas burner for food.”

“What?” He didn’t want to sound upset and checked the duffel bag as well, “Are you sure - what are these?” He took out a huge stack of documents being held together by ginormous binder clips. 

“You forgot those, but you brought with you dissertations?”

Taiga simply shrugged. “I was hoping to do some light reading.”

“We could use this for fire.”

“No!” Taiga took the paper from him. “I’ll call Shintaro now…” He took out his phone and Hokuto watched Taiga’s face fall, “...as soon as I found a signal.” 

Hokuto sighed. He reached for his bag and his eyes grew wide. “Taiga…”

“What? I’m looking for a signal.” 

He tried to calm his nerves and reached for his bag. Maybe it wasn’t too late for him to find an Airbnb. “Taiga – where’s my bag?”

Taiga gasped. “Fuck.”

Taiga never found a signal. The miles and miles of rolling hills were soon blanketed by darkness like the cloak of the Grim Reaper. The air was bone-chilling. No stars dotted the horizon and even the moon was covered by clouds. Taiga brought out a string of LED lights, but he had to turn them off because it attracted the biggest moth Hokuto had ever seen. They had to eat beef jerky and dinner rolls for their dinner. Thankfully, they had beer and water to drink, but Hokuto only had a few sips, because he didn’t want another journey to the toilet. Unfamiliar and mortifying sounds echoed, he didn’t know why nocturnal animals had to make so much noise. And he couldn't even put his feet out of the tent. Despite Taiga’s protest, he kept his shoes on inside the tent. 

He thinks Taiga is upset at him, which is crazy because he has more right to be upset. 

“I’m sorry, I should have stayed and waited for you at the Uni,” said Taiga, his voice so morose with his back turned against him, and it made Hokuto feel awful. 

“Can I be honest?” 

Taiga glanced back. He couldn’t even see Taiga’s face properly as he chose to stay outside of the tent and wrap himself with a throw blanket. “You mean you weren’t honest all this time?”

“Don’t twist my words,” he said, sighing, “I hate the outdoors. Okay, I may like the outdoors as long as I don’t sleep outdoors. I prefer a bed with a proper toilet, not the dunny we went to earlier.” He felt like gagging after recalling the state of the toilet they had seen earlier. Like is there something about being outdoors that makes someone’s bowels go all out? 

“I hate it too, I just thought it would be…r-romantic.”

If he felt awful earlier, he now felt like the worst human being who walked the earth.

“I thought it would be nice to look at the stars, get warmed up with the campfire, and watch the sunrise together. But here we are...”

Hokuto sighed and bravely ventured out of the tent to hug Taiga from behind. 

“I’m sorry,” he said, burying his face on his shoulder. 

“I should be the one apologizing.”

Hokuto shook his head. “Nah. Thank you for doing this. It might be different from what you’ve planned, but since we’re celebrating weeksaries, we have more weeksaries to come. We can always try again…but none of this camping stuff.”

Taiga leaned back and rested his head on his shoulder. “Are you still mad at me?”

“I wasn’t mad,” he denied, “Upset? But I can never get mad at you.”

“Never?” 

“Don’t challenge me.” He planted a kiss on Taiga’s forehead, holding him close while they stared at the nothingness. And he guessed, there was something romantic in suffering; the idea of choosing to be together even though their tummies were grumbling.

“By the way, Hokuto…”

“Hmmm?”

“Uhm, please don’t get mad…”

“Why?”

“I think I need to pee again.”

“Not at that dunny!” He complained, groaning. “It’s pitch black anyway, no one can see you if you do it somewhere there.”

“But-” He paused as they saw a pair of headlights coming in their direction.

“Could that be Shintaro?” Taiga asked, breaking away from him and taking a few steps toward the light. 

The vehicle stopped and a huge man whose arms were covered with tattoos shone a light on them.

“Are you camping here?” The man asked, he was dressed like Steve Irwin and was looking at them as though they were trespassers. 

“Uhm, yes?” 

“Is it legal to camp here?” Hokuto whispered.  

“In the dark?” The man asked.

“Uhm, we left our gas burner and anything we can use to start a fire. And our LED lights attract moths.”

“I’m Mitch. Yours?”

“Taiga, and this is my friend, Hokuto.”

Hokuto raised an eyebrow, do “friends” celebrate weeksaries now? 

“Nice to meet yah, and I got both of yah, have a gas burner at my trailer. I’ll drive it back here so yah kids had some light.”

They were so elated that Hokuto chose to ignore Taiga’s slip-up for now.

“Thanks a lot,” they said in unison, and Hokuto added, “If it’s not too much to ask, can we also use the loo in your trailer?” 

“No worries, get in my truck!” 

They both smiled and as they buckled themselves in Mitch’s truck, Hokuto thought that if bad luck would rain on him because he chose to be with Taiga, then, so be it. He could endure anything, just to be with the one he loves.

Mar 2024

T 🩷 I G A

Taiga realized he knew nothing about depression. There were times when he would just lie in bed and even opening his mouth to eat was too much work. Times where he would just stare at a void. Times when he wanted nothing but to re-read his old mangas or continue his One Piece marathon. Times where he would almost empty his mother’s fridge. Times where he would find himself re-reading those dissertations he used to love so much. And times when he would cry and ponder what happened to his life. 

It was tiring and draining. It was like being capsized at sea and clinging to a piece of wood to stay afloat. There are times when letting go seems easier than hanging on to something and not knowing if it will even end. 

But he made a promise to himself after that fiasco. He would try to live. He would get better. He wanted to be like Hokuto and say, “Past is past”, because whether he admitted it or not, he kept returning to the past. Every time he would take a step forward, he would take two steps back and return to where he started. 

So when his mother informed him that she accepted an invitation from no less than the prime minister, he agreed as long as there wouldn’t be any reporters. He still didn’t think he deserved that bravery-something award, but he did it to appease his mother. The meeting and awarding happened and only the prime minister’s PR team was there to cover the event. No one hounded him, but one reporter managed to ambush him on his way out. He knew her by name, Sarah Brown, one of Channel 9’s top reporters gifted with striking looks and eloquence. She had no cameras with her, just her card, and told him that if he needed her help for whatever reason, he could call her. 

Initially, he thought she might be interested in him, and had no use for her card. But during those times when his default was to cry at everything he watched or read, he saw a documentary on how one kid recognized himself on a “missing ad” posted on a milk carton. He realized that was what he should do. An ad for an ad. But he didn’t think people still read newspapers that much, so he should go big. He picked up the card and Sarah Brown was the only one who could help him. 

“Did I do something wrong? He asked.

“Do you think you did something wrong?” Kochi asked back. His doctor had always been chill but firm during their sessions, but today, there was something a bit tense in the air.

“Is this about the interview I did? Uhm, sorry if I didn’t tell you about it. Everything moved too fast, the next thing I knew, they were putting make-up on me.”

“No worries,” said Kochi, he hadn't stopped tapping his pen on his notepad, and Taiga knew that stance. That is how he is when he wants to say something, but he doesn’t know when to insert it. 

“You didn’t want the police involved, but you involved the entire country.”

Taiga let out a nervous laugh, because when that bit dawned on him, it was too late. 

“But what pushed you to really do this? Did someone pressure you?”

“Uhm, I met, uhm, an acquaintance after a very long time.”

“Acquaintance, huh?”

He nodded. “He said something about ‘past is past’, and those words kinda stung.”

“How so?”

He placed a hand on his chest. “Because it reminded me how everyone has moved forward and I’m still stuck in the past.” 

“Is finding CFM6 your way of moving from the past?”

He shook his head. “Not really, but this is how I will move forward. I will move together with my past instead of avoiding or running away from it. Finding CFM6 is just the start, because I felt like it all started from there.”

Kochi looked impressively at him, “I’m glad to hear that from you.” 

He just smiled when his doctor added reluctantly “So…how will you go on about this search of yours? Maybe I could help you - psychologically?”

“Thank you. My mother thought I was being delusional and my meds weren't working even when I showed her the ad. Anyway, 60 Minutes had informed me that they received around 366 emails.”

“That’s a lot,” Kochi gasped.

“Only around 100 of them were claiming to be CFM6, the rest just wanted to date me,” he said, his face growing hot from the thought that so many people wanted to date him. “The network interviewed them-”

“Those 100?” Kochi clarified.

Taiga nodded. “Yeah, I’m so grateful for their help. And after the interview, they narrowed it down to 13. These 13 are who they think could genuinely be CFM6.”

“Could they not just contact mX instead of doing all these?”

He shook his head. “The paper refused without a court order. But they also added that they no longer have records of everyone who sent messages to them.”

“Ah…and what do you plan now?”

“I’ll be meeting those 13, one by one.”

“Oh…you mean you’re going on a date with them?” He asked teasingly.

His face grew hotter. He wasn’t a hermit, but he couldn’t remember when he last went out for a date. “Yah, I guess you could call it like that.”

“And when does the date start?”

“Tonight.”

“Nervous?”

“Very.”

“Excited?”

“Yeah…I guess.”

“Why the hesitation?” 

He sighed. He really didn’t think looking for CFM6 would involve this much work. “Well, uhm, it’s kinda scary, having expectations. Not from me, but from them. What if they get disappointed with me? Those nine years really changed me.”

“Taiga, how others view you is their problem and it doesn’t represent who you really are. Moreover, you’re not in any obligation to be who they expect you to be,” said Kochi firmly. 

“I’ll keep that in mind,” he said although he is not confident. 

“Those dates? Treat them like Shark Tank.”

“Shark Tank?” He heard about the show after their sushi shop changed all their sponges to Scrub Daddy, but that was all he knew about the show since he preferred a trashy reality dating show. 

Kochi nodded excitedly. “You are the investor and they are the innovators looking for an investment. Your only job is to listen, ask questions, and politely tell them why you won’t be investing.”

“That’s a nice comparison.”

“I’m glad to be of help. Good luck with your date tonight, and when will be your next date? Just curious.” Even though Kochi said he was just curious, his tone suggested that he was very interested. 

“I’m still not fond of going out a lot, so I decided that each time I have to be out for therapy, that will also be my lunch date or date night.” 

“Ah, that’s good. It’ll save you time and energy. I presume the dates won’t be anywhere far.”

“I will meet all of them at the station first, and we’ll decide from there where to go.”

“That’s good. Good. Channel 9, right?”

Taiga nodded. He thought roles were reversed during this therapy session, because Kochi asked more questions than him. 

H 🖤 K U T O

Hokuto was aghast. 100 people pretended to be him? The audacity of those jerks, if he didn’t see any semblance of himself at them, he would file a lawsuit.

“If I lose my license over this, you’re going to feed my husband and me for the rest of your life,” muttered Kochi after he relayed the news about Taiga’s impending 13 dates. 

“I swear that this is only between you and me. Even the FBI can’t waterboard this info from me,” he whispered while he watched the doors of Channel 9 for Taiga’s shadow. 

“You don’t need to do this if you’ll just admit to it!” complained Kochi. “Why can’t you just say that it’s you?”

“It’s complicated,” he argued, “And don’t worry, that one is already an option, but…it’s complicated.”

“Jess and I were watching a Modern Family rerun and Jay gave Mitchell really sound advice, which I think applies to your current situation.”

He sneered. “Oh yeah, because Mitchell is gay so it also applies to me?”

“But it is! Jay said that you should run toward embarrassment instead of away from it, in that way, it won’t have power over you anymore.”

Hokuto paused. That actually makes sense. “Easy to say – if we live in a fictional world,” he countered.

“Whatever, Mr. Drama Queen!” Kochi said, sounding pissed. “I have a meeting to go to, don’t fucking get caught, or I will kill you before anyone will do. This isn’t a fictional world, you will really die.”

“Roger.” He ended the call and kept his peeled on Channel 9’s main entrance. He is about to commit something so unbecoming of a professional, but he doesn’t care as he finishes a Vietnamese pork roll.

“Uhm, aren’t you the doctor from Flame Island?”

“No,” he said. 

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

“But you really look-”

“I don’t look like him, so scram,” he snapped and the woman gave her a look that translated she might have encountered a psycho. 

He opened up his camera to check his reflection. What gave him away? His usual wavy hair was now curled like an ahjumma he’d seen in Korean dramas, he was wearing the darkest shade of sunnies, he wore fake piercings just so, and the weather was cool enough so his trench coat wouldn’t look weird. 

“Tch, she must be stalking me-” Whatever he wanted to say was cut as Taiga and a blond woman with a reddish face went out of the station. Even from his vantage point, he could tell that the woman’s face was that red because of rosacea and judging her overall from head to toe, she was mid. And he’s being nice about it. 

“They got the sex all wrong,” he muttered and quickly took a snap of Taiga and the woman as they boarded a car. 

“Not worth following,” he captioned the photo, “Taiga is dumb if he believed her to be me.”

Hokuto did the same thing to Taiga’s next dates. He would stay at what he calls “the corner” and assess if they were worth following, or not. Although his standards were superficial, he didn’t think his assessments were that far off. Taiga would be meeting his 10th date for lunch and so far, Hokuto had only followed Date no.6 and 7. No. 6 was so drop-dead gorgeous that he became straight for 2.5 seconds. She also has good taste and opted for a museum date rather than a meal. No. 7’s looks were so-so but she had this dignified air about her and from following her home, which Hokuto admitted was quite stalker-ish, he learned that she’s a barrister. 

“Lawyers are liars, what do I expect?” He murmured when Taiga stepped out with a man, and from the man’s navy-tailored suit, Hokuto could tell he was ripped. 

“At least someone from the network got the sex right.” 

The man wasn’t just any man, a quick Google Lens search and Hokuto is staring at a couple of “Men’s Health” magazines where the man is the cover. 

“Giovanni, of course, he has to be an Italian. And fuck, I must follow them.” He quickly started looking for a cab, before realizing that Taiga and Giovanni wouldn't be riding and had started walking in the opposite direction. 

“Of course, Mr. Men’s Health prefers to walk.”

Even though the weather was cooler, his armpits were wet by the time they reached a hotpot restaurant. Hokuto quickly asked for water and against his better judgment, chose not to remove his disguise. He chose a corner seat and he had the perfect view of Taiga and Mr. Men’s Health. 

“Sir, we have two new soup flavors today, nutty belly and scampi hottie-”

“Okay, I’ll try it,” he cuts in, his eyes squinting while Mr. Men’s Health magically produces a hairclip somewhere and clipped it on Taiga’s hair so he wouldn’t keep on tucking his hair behind his ear. And he swore Taiga blushed at the gesture.

“That Giovanni is bloody making his moves! He planned this, definitely planned this!”

“We also have a birthday special and it's-”

He sighed and looked up at the server. “Give me anything you want, I don’t care,” he finished by giving her Flame Island’s corporate card. Let Howard pay for his therapy. 

“I should have taken lip-reading courses aside from ASL.” He had no idea what Taiga and Giovanni were talking about, but Taiga seemed more at ease than the previous dates he followed. Not only did Taiga look interested in whatever gibberish Giovanni talked about, but Hokuto didn’t miss how Taiga complimented Giovanni’s biceps, which led to him asking Taiga to feel his muscle, and Taiga looked impressed as he lightly squeezed the muscle. Hokuto scoffed, while his hands traveled to study his biceps. 

“Mine’s natural, pretty sure Giovanni is all steroids - ” His self-comparison was interrupted when confetti rained on him, someone also put on a party hat on him, and a “Happy Birthday” song came on. He struggled to cover his face with the hat, while the servers remained oblivious that he was shooing them away using his hand.

“ ...Happy Birthday,

Happy birthday….

Happy birthday….to you… ”

Hokuto never thought he would hate a birthday song as much as getting older and going bald. When the staff was done agonizing him, his hotpot was boiling and upon a glance at Taiga and Giovanni, it looked like they didn’t pay him any mind when he almost dumped his head at the hotpot from embarrassment. 

“Tch. Okay. There could be murder next table, but who cares as long as they enjoy their hotpot.” Begrudgingly, he started eating his hotpot, dipping a thin slice of beef into the reddish broth, hoping it would be spicy enough to melt his annoyance. 

“Oh, this is actually good!” He dipped a few more beef and even scooped the broth to sip. “Ah, it tastes like…like…briny?”  

While he pondered for the taste, his eyes wandered at Taiga and he was petrified seeing that Taiga was looking directly at him. He was caught. His heart raced hard on his chest, his throat started constricting, and he started pounding his chest as he fell on the floor, gasping for air. 

The taste he was looking for was shrimp.

And he is deathly allergic to shrimp.

“Hokuto? Hokuto?”

Hokuto tried to concentrate on Taiga's frantic face while he patted his face. “Anyone have an epi-pen?” Taiga shouted, “Do you have an oxygen?”

Taiga was poised to stand up, but he grabbed his wrist, and tried to say, “Don’t leave me…don’t leave me...” 

His vision started dimming, no air was coming and going, and Taiga screaming his name was the last thing he heard.

June 2018

T 🩷 I G A

Taiga often thinks that he picked the wrong time to be in a relationship with Hokuto. While he entered his pre-intern Year 5, Hokuto was in the last year of his Bachelor's degree. Both of them were too busy even before the beginning of the year. He thought he would be spending his first birthday with Hokuto last year, but nope, even though the finals were just over, both of them were already deep in research for dissertations and theses. 

Fortunately, they were able to spend Christmas Eve together. Hokuto even introduced him to his family, but the night ended awkwardly when he informed Hokuto that his family shouldn’t know about them yet. He thought Hokuto would get mad, but his boyfriend had been nothing but understanding. He felt grateful, but at the same time, he felt like an utter asshole. He thinks the guilt he felt is warranted because Hokuto became distant with matters of the third sex.

“He went to his first Mardi Gras without me. He didn’t even tell me!” He complained to Shintaro, like a kid who was not invited to someone else’s birthday party. 

“Would you have gone with him?” asked Shintaro. 

“Probably not, it’s in Sydney, what if my dad sees me?” 

“There goes your answer! He didn’t ask because he didn’t want to make it awkward. Mardi Gras is also a Pride event, it’s not a dating spot,” his best mate reasoned-out, but Taiga remained unconvinced. He thinks Hokuto is having second thoughts about him, or that Hokuto is starting to get tired of him, and it’s all because they haven’t had sex.

“Uhm, how soon after you start dating before you start making a move?” He asked Shintaro as June came marching in. 

“What move?”

He sighed. Why couldn’t Shintaro just get it? He was hoping he didn’t have to be so direct.

“You know…?”

“What am I supposed to know?”

“How long before you start asking for sex?” He asked through clenched teeth.

“Ahhhh….hmmm…I don’t really ask, it just happened naturally. Mutually. Sometimes it happened before we even started dating, and sometimes, shortly after we became official. There’s not really a timeline.”

“Right. That’s the natural course of things,” he said and the sinking feeling that Hokuto was not that into him grew. Gavin and Hokuto looked like they did the deed right off the bat, so why not them? They had their chances. They were alone multiple times, but aside from kissing and cuddling, which he both enjoyed doing, it never really progressed as much. Is Hokuto too busy and his libido is affected? Or does he not find him that attractive? What does Gavin have that he doesn't have aside from long arms and legs?

“Shintaro, do you find me attractive?”

“Attractive in what way?”

“Like…you may want to sleep with me?”

The other line went awkwardly silent, then came sounds of retching. “Kyomo, please, that’s incest.”

He sighed and continued to pout. “Do you think he’s tired of me already? Do you think he finds me boring? Or do you think he’s cheating?” 

“Why don’t you just ask him? Where is he right now?”

He opened Hokuto’s IG and the alarm bells on his head rang. “He’s in Sydney?! I have no idea.”

“Maybe for Uni stuff?”

“I doubt it. He’s with some friends — probably from design school?” They were all dressed chic and all of them were wearing the same monogram that Taiga wasn't familiar with. 

“You mentioned before that he moonlights as a model for his designer friends, maybe he’s doing another fashion show for them?”

“If it is, he could at least tell me.” One photo was geotagged and the search result made him gasp, and the fear that Hokuto had been losing interest in him grew. “Oh my…no he didn’t!”

“What’s happening?”

He hoped his old man hadn't canceled his credit card. “I’m flying over there and we’re going to The Verve.”

“The Verve? What’s that?”

“A gay bar.” He ended the call and the reflection he saw on his phone was a Taiga he didn’t know. 

H 🖤 K U T O

He loves his boyfriend to the moon and back and he didn’t want to stereotype Taiga like those men who were bad at gifting, but yeah, Taiga is awful when it comes to gifts. Just like last Christmas, Taiga gave him a golden pineapple. It wasn’t even real gold, it was so plasticky that he could hear climate change activists protesting. When he asked Taiga what the golden pineapple meant, Taiga looked at him as though he spoke in Latin. Then last Valentine's, Taiga gave him wool socks, even though it was summer, and he later learned that it was “Buy 5 and Get 1 Free” and Taiga split 3 pairs for both of them. 

So for his upcoming birthday, he didn’t want Taiga to pressure himself, because, in reality, he is more pressured to act like a grateful receiver. So he decided to be the giver instead of the other way around, and because he always gives gifts with a lot of thought, he decided they would be going to “Secrets on the Lake”. The vacation spot is very private, it would be their very own Lakehouse without the drama. The only hindrance in Hokuto’s plans of a 2 nights stay in one of their luxury treetop houses is the price so he decided to strut his goods and contact his designer friends for any gigs. 

“Your boyfriend is gorgeous!” said Allan. His perfectly tattooed eyebrow almost reached his hairline.

He just shrugged his shoulders and smiled as though it was not a big deal even though he wanted to gloat so bad. 

“But what is he wearing? Is he….poor?” 

Hokuto rolled his eyes and took his phone. He just remembered that he didn’t like Allan and his haughtiness. “That’s how one dresses when they have that face, they can’t be too perfect. Besides, he’s too busy becoming a surgeon to care about fashion,” he said with derision. He might not agree with Taiga’s fashion choices, but he will defend him to no end.  

“Ooooh, quite sensitive about our boyfriend?” Allan teased.

“Just mine. Not ours,” he rectified, before changing the topic. “Of all the venues, why The Verve?” 

“Why not? Your boyfriend might not like you going to gay bars?” 

He forced a smile. “My boyfriend is so chill,” he said. Taiga didn’t even say anything when he attended Mardi Gras with his gay friends, so he doubted he would get mad if he found out he was in a gay bar. 

Allan crossed his arms and in an almost sneering tone, he said, “Chill? Or he just doesn’t care about you? I’ve been checking your IG, you never posted about him.” 

He cleared his throat and started flipping through DNA magazine, hoping it wouldn’t show how much his comment rattled him. He was sure that Taiga cared about him, but he also understood Taiga couldn’t be that open yet with their relationship. 

“He doesn’t even have an IG, I have no one else to tag,” he said as an excuse. It was the truth though, Taiga’s Facebook and Instagram accounts were both suspended following his scuffle with Gavin. Both of his accounts were reported for threatening violence or something similar, and Taiga never bothered to have his accounts reinstated.  

“Oh…really?” said Allan, scathingly. 

Hokuto was saved from matching Allan’s acerbic remark when they were called to get ready for their walk. He stood up to check his reflection; his entire body glowed from shimmer oil and bronzer. On his back was a jetpack prototype in the shade of silver, and he wore nothing but a space-black male g-string. 

“I said all that but I don’t think Taiga would approve of seeing me wearing something like this and in a place like this,” he murmured, checking his cock at every angle and making sure the important bits remained covered. 

“Hokuto….you’re up next.”

He rushed to the back of the runway, the band guests, Burning Loins, were almost done with their first song and Hokuto could make out the next song just from the intro. He was familiar with the song, a cover of one of the most heartbreaking songs ever. The AD cued for him to go and he tried not to squint from the flashes of lights. As this was not his first rodeo, it was easy to focus just on the stage and the audience was almost invisible. However, the venue might be pitch black save for the lights dotted on the floor like a literal runway, but as he neared the blue mark where he had to make a turn, someone’s skin color stood out even in the dark. Hokuto was like a firefly, attracted to the light, and when he got closer and saw who that light actually was, it was too late. He missed his turn and went for a nosedive.

T 🩷 I G A

Three hours later, he and Shintaro realized that they didn’t belong to The Verve crowd . And he guessed even the crowd were thinking if he and Shintaro were lost, or were they newly-minted gays. They were dressed too shabbily compared to the rest, not that their clothes were cheap, but everyone else looked like they stepped out of fashion magazines. Taiga never thought about how a basic white tee could be so versatile. There was also something in the way The Verve crowd stood, the way their bodies moved to the beat, and sipped their drinks that felt so alien. 

“Those women there, they are women, right?” Shintaro whispered while they stood in the corner, sipping overpriced cocktails. 

“Let’s not make eye-contact with anyone,” he whispered back, while his eyes continued to look for his boyfriend.

“I’m right though, it looks like Hokuto is here for a fashion show.” There was a runway in the middle and an underwear brand they never heard of was spray-painted in the middle. Both of them had to buy 3 pairs each to get into the bar and it was the most expensive underwear he had ever spent on. 

“An underwear fashion show,” he added. He was no prude but did Hokuto really have to hide what he’d been doing?

“Jealous?” teased Shintaro. 

“Pffft, why would I be?” He wasn't jealous, even after seeing that a bunch of men around him had the body-type of Hokuto’s ex, he wasn't jealous at all.

An announcement came that the show would start in 15 minutes. The designated seats were quickly filled, while he pulled Shintaro toward the standing area by the end of the runway. More lights were dimmed except for the runway area, a band came onstage, and everyone screamed including Shintaro who was familiar with the band. Right after the chorus, the first male model came out and he had to repeatedly blink his eyes to make sure the model was wearing something because he could only see strings. Taiga was too appalled, he didn’t pay attention when Shintaro told him he had to take a call outside, and when the music changed to a song cover that he also knew, the man he’d been waiting for finally came on stage. 

Hokuto was dressed as scantily as the previous models. But more than appalled, Taiga found himself ravenous. His boyfriend is hot. Sizzling hot. So hot he wanted to bake himself using the oils on Hokuto’s body. He couldn’t even take his eyes off him. He also didn’t notice that Hokuto had been looking directly at him. And it was too late when he realized that Hokuto was not only staring at him, he was also falling right at him.

H 🖤 K U T O

“I didn’t expect to see you here,” said Hokuto. The fashion show had long been over, but what became the talk among their circle was his not-so-gracious fall from the stage and onto his boyfriend. 

“Me too, didn’t expect to get flashed in public. I think that's classified as a criminal offense."

The night was freezing, but his face grew hot. Taiga hadn’t spoken a word since he fell on him earlier, because despite the semi-darkness of the bar, or Taiga’s near-blind eyesight, Hokuto was sure a major peek-a-boo happened after he stood up. He thought Taiga had left out of embarrassment for him until he received a message that he would be waiting at the nearby park.

“Uhm, did you arrive alone?”

“I was with Shintaro, but he had to be somewhere.” 

“Ahhh…uhm, s-sorry?”

Taiga turned, half of his face covered with the fur hood of his winter jacket. “For what?”

He bit his lower lip. He had this feeling that he’d done something more than just strutting in his underwear and flashing a ton. “For not telling you about this fashion show.”

Taiga let out a long sigh, wisps of air blew from his lips, while frustration flashed on his face.  “You can be honest with me, I won’t get mad. Let’s try to fix this.”

His heart started drumming. Did Taiga find out that he didn’t like his gifts? 

“Uhm, it’s not that much of a big deal,” he said and Taiga looked like he got hit by a meteor. 

“Not that much of a big deal,” Taiga repeated. “If it’s so, then, let's sleep tonight,” he added, his face full of determination. 

He frowned. Sleeping is something he expected them to do. “Uhm, I really don’t mind, but my friend’s place is packed, but we can stay over at my parents. I could call and tell them we’re coming over.” He took out his phone but Taiga stopped him. 

“Shintaro’s folks have a separate guest house, we can do it there. Let me ask Shintaro for the key.” He took out his phone and started typing furiously. 

He continued to frown. It felt like they were talking about two separate things, so he had to clarify, “We can do what there that we can’t do over at my parents’ place?”

Taiga looked-up, confused. “Didn’t you agree to sleep with me?”

He nodded. “Yah, can’t we just sleep over at my parents’ place?” 

Taiga blinked, his face turned a shade of pink, and it was Hokuto’s turn to get hit with a meteorite. “You mean…that kind of sleeping.”

Taiga feigns a laugh, his face red. “I’m so unappealing that thought never even crossed your mind.”

He was too astounded to contradict Taiga, he just had to laugh, which irked Taiga more, and in turn, made him laugh more. 

“Glad one of us is finding this funny,” Taiga muttered. 

He sighed as his laughter died down, before he pulled Taiga’s hood close, and thawed his frozen lips with a kiss. 

“You have no idea, Taiga,” he murmured, their noses pressed on each other, “I would have jumped at you at the slightest provocation the first time you ever invited me for noodles. I also had no idea how much self-control I had until we started dating.”

“Did I do, or say anything to make you think you have to hold back?”

“Not exactly, but I just thought I needed to take things slowly. I mean, aside from Shintaro, who else knew about us? You only invited me to your place when your flatmates were out. And I could only kiss you like this because the park is basically empty…except for a few joggers who braved the weather,” he added when two men jogged past them. 

“Basically, you’re saying it’s my fault you’re holding back.”

“Taiga…”

“I’m selfish and insensitive.” 

He sighed and held Taiga’s hands. “Do you know why I changed majors?” 

Taiga slowly shook his head. 

He smiled wistfully. “It was also in Year 10 when I first fell in love - to a guy.”

“Oh!”

“It was a very confusing time for me. I even distanced myself from two of my best mates. I became afraid not just of my feelings, but of myself. I really thought I was going crazy,” he said, sighing upon recalling such a strange time of his life. 

“I was lucky, or I am still lucky. None of my best mates gave up on me, both of them accompanied me to seek advice, and that was the first time we all learned we have a school psychologist at school. I told her what I thought then was the hardest moment of my life. I was prepared to be judged, and be told that it was just a phase, and I was just confused. But I received none of that, I only received affirmation and acceptance, and for the first time since I fell in love with a man, I felt a huge burden was lifted from my chest.” 

“Hokuto…” Taiga murmured, his eyes misty, while his nose turned red. 

“She passed away during my first year in design school. And that’s when I decided I’m going to become like her,” he finished with a bittersweet smile, while he wiped Taiga’s tears. “Love takes time, that’s one of the things I learned from her, and until you’re ready to be more open about us, I’m willing to wait. There’s no need to hurry, I think we’ll be together for a long time.”

The night grew colder, and the night joggers dwindled, but both of them refused to seek shelter and would rather warm themselves with an embrace. 

“Hokuto…”

“Hmmm?”

“I still want to sleep with you though.”

A biting cold wind blew and Hokuto’s laughter seemed to echo through the dry leaves. 

“My birthday is coming up…”

“Ahhh, then I will be your present,” teased Taiga.

“You know what? I think that’s the best present you can ever come up with,” he said, chuckling.

Mar 2024

T 🩷 I G A

“He has known shrimp allergy, but never had an anaphylactic reaction from it. The most he had were rashes, which usually resolved with Claritin.” His words were delivered in rapid-fire as the ED team met them. He didn’t even give the paramedics a chance and repeated everything he told them earlier. By the time he was done, he felt like he had run a marathon, his breathing was rough as he continued to heave. 

“How much shrimp did the patient consume?” asked the ED doctor. 

“I…I have no idea,” he said dejectedly, feeling everything had been his fault. “He wasn’t seated with me, but I don’t think he would knowingly eat shrimp.” 

“It could be from the hotpot broth,” said Giovanni helpfully. Unlike Taiga, Giovanni remained calm and collected. “I managed to grab a cab as soon as you left with the ambulance,” he added as Taiga eyed him inquiringly. 

“The server earlier said that they have a special called nutty belly and scampi hottie-”

“The scampi!’ Taiga gasped. “That idiot!” But he couldn’t stay angry with Hokuto as he watched him get hooked to telemetry, IV, and an oxygen mask on his swelling face.

He’d run out of knuckles to crack and he might have turned to cracking his back if Giovanni didn’t pull him somewhere he could sit. 

“He’ll be fine,” Giovanni said, glancing over at Hokuto’s bed. 

“He should be…” he murmured with a menacing air. “Ah, thank you for the Epipen,” he added, utterly grateful at the timing. 

“It’s nothing. I have an extreme peanut allergy so I always carry at least 3 with me.” 

“Did something like that happen to you?”

Giovanni nodded. “Thrice if my memory is correct. Having a peanut allergy is one of the reasons why I’m in the Health and Fitness industry.” 

“Must be scary,” he said quietly, glancing worriedly at Hokuto. Taiga had stopped trembling, and if it scared him, he was sure Hokuto was more terrified. He hoped the doctor would soon declare him stable so he could sit by Hokuto’s bedside. 

“It sure is. But he has someone like you to worry for him, I’m sure he will get over this soon.”

He guessed he couldn’t hide it, actions speak louder than words after all. He knew for a fact he did what he did not out of goodwill or as a doctor. He did it because it's Hokuto.

“Hokuto and I…”

“...used to be together?” Giovanni guessed.

Taiga nodded. “Is it that obvious?”

“You looked at him warmly, it’s not that hard to miss.” 

Taiga was doubtful, maybe Giovanni was just trying to catch him. “You might have seen it wrongly,” he said, flustered.

“Did I?” asked Giovanni testingly. “But will you humor me on this one?”

“What is it?”

“Why are you looking for that anonymous note sender when you can have a man like him?” 

Taiga just blinked. 

Giovanni continued, “I know there are introverts, but I highly doubt it was a coincidence he was having a hotpot all on his own?”

Taiga swallowed the lump in his throat. He knew Hokuto had been following him. He discovered Hokuto on his 6th date, during the museum tour with one of the most gorgeous women he had met. Hokuto’s choice of disguise made him more visible than conspicuous. Or maybe, he just had a strong radar when it came to Hokuto. He also spotted Hokuto on his 7th date, and when he didn’t see Hokuto during his next two dates, he was quite disappointed. And his heart soared again when he caught Hokuto before he and Giovanni started walking together to the hotpot, and before he knew it, he was acting all flirty toward Giovanni. 

“You must be thinking how horrible I am for…using you. Though I honestly don’t know why he’d been following me,” he said quietly. 

“If it’ll make you feel any better, I might as well come clean. I never left that love note. I wasn’t even in Sydney in Jan 2015, I’m from Perth and I was in Perth at that time.”

“Oh…” Although he already suspected Giovanni wasn’t who he’d been looking for, he was still surprised to be proven right. 

“And even though I only spent minutes with you, I can say that you’re not a horrible person. You caught my eye from your interview alone. But I don’t know what’s stopping you from showing your true feelings. Uhm, is he married or something?”

He shook his head. “We were together at the wrong time. Even though he might have forgiven me, or had forgotten about it, I could never forgive myself.”

“I think that part is tougher.”

The doctor came back to him to say that Hokuto is now stable and may be discharged if there’s no other problem once he awakens. His knees buckled from exhaustion and relief and Giovanni caught him before he slumped to the floor. 

“You could relax for now.”

Taiga nodded and sighed.

“I have two guesses on why he followed you, both of which I think have a high chance of being true.”

Taiga was still a bit in a daze as Giovanni continued, “First, he’s still into you. And second, he could be your anon after all.” 

Taiga was shaken but he still kept staring. He only assumed Kochi knew Hokuto and had been feeding Hokuto his whereabouts for whatever reason. But he never suspected anon could be Hokuto. And if anon is indeed Hokuto, why did he never tell him?

“...and with what happened today, you could have lost him, do you really want things to end this way?”

“No,” his voice quivered when he said that.

Hokuto wouldn’t let go of Taiga’s hand when he awoke. Add to that, Hokuto was still so drowsy from exhaustion and antihistamines that he fell asleep en route to his apartment, and since Taiga had no idea which was Hokuto’s exact apartment, he decided to bring him home, and Giovanni assisted him in all of that.

He tucked Hokuto’s new blanket as he returned to dreamland, before cringing at the disarray of his room. He hoped Hokuto was too groggy to pay attention to the mess. Hokuto looked better compared to earlier when he couldn’t even open one eye due to swelling. His hand hovered on his face, wanting to touch him, but also dreading what he might feel. 

“You’re really my son, we have the same taste.”

“Ma!” He mouthed angrily and pulled his mom away from his room, “He needs to rest.”

“No problem with me, but have you forgotten you also arrived here with another man?”

“I didn’t forget that,” he said and ran to the porch where Giovanni was enjoying his mom’s matcha. 

“Thank you for everything. I wouldn’t be able to do all of these if it wasn’t for you.”

“Not a big deal, but we should go out again for another date?”

He stiffened briefly and Giovanni chuckled. “It was a joke. I guess this is goodbye?”

Taiga accepted Giovanni’s proffered hand. “Thank you…maybe we could still be friends.” 

“I love that. When you’re both okay, let’s have another hotpot - without the nuts and shrimp” 

Still keeping up with his fitness regimen, Giovanni chose to walk and Taiga walked him up to the train station. They exchanged numbers and bid each other goodbye. After Giovanni got on the train, Taiga let his eyes roam at Wahroonga’s platform. Compared to other bigger stations with their fancy turnstiles, one could get into Wahroonga’s station and hop on a train without even buying a ticket. 

“If it’s really Hokuto, it means he got off the wrong stop,” he thought since he knew Hokuto’s family used to live in Warrawee before they moved to Chatswood a couple of years after he went to college. 

“And he’d been watching me since I got on from Killara? And I supposedly met his eyes and I can’t even remember that?” He checked his gallery for that now famous newspaper clipping and all these past 9 dates, he would always end the date with a question, “What made you ask if I need someone to talk to?”

And none of his dates could straight up answer his question. If they did, their eyes would wander, and he could tell that none of them had really seen him that day. 

He might not remember the faces of those on the train with him, but he could recall that summer night as though it was only yesterday. He almost broke down on that train. The joyous occasion that was the wedding turned tumultuous as his first love’s white gown became red. She was in the early weeks of her pregnancy and the bleeding wasn't good news. Later on, they also learned not only did she suffer a miscarriage, but the bleeding got so bad they had to remove her uterus to save her life. It was his biggest driver for choosing his specialization and the shame was great when he quit.   

He sighed and walked back home. The road was damp from the light rain earlier and leaves rustled from the breeze as though it was waving summer goodbye. Dusk chased him like a ghost and he found his mother waiting for him by the yard. And by default, he thought of the worst. 

“Did something happen to Hokuto?”

His mother looked startled at his question, then, her features softened as she smiled. “If you’re that worried for him, why don’t you just get back with him? You can even marry him. Isn’t it already legal?”

His expression darkened uneasily. “Uhm, y-you knew?” He knew his father found out about Hokuto and him, but he didn’t think his father ever told his mom. After all, his mother never once talked about it. 

Instead of answering his question, his mother held him close and patted his back. “Taiga, my child, is this what’s been burdening you?” As softly as his mother’s voice was, the harder the pain shot through him. 

“Is it so hard to forget the past? Allow yourself to be happy. I’m sure your dad would have wished the same, but he was too stubborn to admit it.”

His vision turned hazy and hugged his mother back as his tears came like a deluge. For the past years, he really thought he’d dealt with this fear and pain. And almost losing Hokuto earlier felt like torture again. It was like 2020 all over again, while the rest of the world was beleaguered with COVID, Taiga found himself dealing with two casualties; a broken heart and an extinguished life. 

H 🖤 K U T O

“Are you okay?”

“Is this a dream?” Hokuto asked softly as he squeezed Taiga’s hand that had been holding him. 

“What do you wish it to be?”

“Real. No matter how good a dream is, it always makes me sad every time I wake up.”

Taiga smiled. The silver glow of the moon made him look fairyish amidst his puffy eyes. 

“Did you cry?” He lifted his arms and cupped his face. Taiga’s face had gotten so small, he felt so fragile in his touch. Taiga shook his head and laid down on his chest as though he was listening to his heart. 

“Were you scared earlier?” asked Taiga. 

He sighed. His hand went on his neck. “I was.” He might have learned all about anaphylactic shock at school, but it was different when it happened to him. Everything he knew was thrown out of the window and the fear of dying overpowered him. 

“Thank you and I should thank your d-date too.”

“Giovanni is a good guy,” said Taiga and he was thankful Taiga couldn’t see how his face turned bitter. He might be thankful, but not that thankful.

He hated to agree. “I guess you can say he’s at the right place at the right time.”

Taiga lifted his head and moved closer to his face. “I won’t ask why you’ve been following me-”

Hokuto’s eyes widened. He’s probably going to have another shock, albeit a bit different, but enough to make him breathless. 

“-I’m just really grateful you’re okay…because I don’t know how I’ll be able to live if something bad happens to you.” 

He smiled and pulled back Taiga for an embrace. “I’m fine. I’m okay, and that’s what matters now,” he whispered as he gently patted Taiga’s back. 

None of them spoke again. Taiga joined him on his bed and they slept as though they’d put all the past behind them. 

Hokuto was all alone when he woke up and a wave of nostalgia hit him. Not because he’d been in Taiga’s childhood room before, but because seeing the things he knew Taiga loved was like watching a home video. It made him sentimental to be sharing a space with him. 

He thinks Taiga made a quick clean up of his room. He was quite sure it was messier when he brought him last night. There was underwear on the bed before the sheets were replaced and now, the room was in a more orderly clutter. He feasts his eyes on the Yu-Gi-Oh cards framed on the wall along with a Warhol of Marilyn Monroe. He opened a small cabinet, which was filled with Conan mangas along with a bunch of figurines of different Conan characters. Taiga’s desk was a jumble of dissertations, medical journals, and a few mangas, and to his surprise, Taiga had a bunch of fake food displays one would usually find in Japanese restaurants, from nato and rice to ramen. But he guessed the biggest surprise of all was a few Psychology magazines that featured him on the cover. 

“These were probably his mom’s, but I would pretend it’s his.” 

The door slowly opened and he found himself mute. He’d met Taiga’s mother before, but he still couldn’t shake off how they were a carbon copy of each other. Of course, he knew they were mother-and-son, but the resemblance was just a bit peculiar for him.

“How are you feeling now?”

“I’m feeling better, thank you” He stole a glance at the small mirror by the wall and felt relieved not to be looking like he got attacked by bees.

“No worries, I made breakfast.” 

Taiga’s mother kept the door open when she left, and he quickly made use of his hands by finger-combing his hair and straightening Taiga’s clothes. He paused for a bit before stepping out of the last step, patting his face as he didn’t want to look too happy eating breakfast with Taiga after they just slept together. 

“Act normal.”

Taiga wasn’t on the table when he arrived and his mother clocked that in. 

“Taiga left early for the city, he said he has an important business.” 

He tried to smile sweetly, but it must have looked so unnatural that Taiga’s mother could only sigh. But his disappointment was sort of lifted when Taiga’s mother started placing plate after plate in front of him. 

“Taiga researched on foods that are low in allergen and this is the menu I came up with. First is lentil soup. Next are chicken fajitas. Italian meatballs. Falafel but I made it like a pancake, and for dessert, gluten-free smores, and a giant Yakult.” 

He was too overwhelmed to say the least and the glint in the eyes of Taiga’s mother hinted that he should finish everything, or else. 

“Go on, eat, I’ve already eaten.”

“Itadakimasu,” he mumbled and started with the soup. The flavors of the lentil soup just burst in his mouth, he thinks his eyesight got clearer. “This is the best lentil soup I ever had!” 

Taiga’s mother smiled sweetly as she sat across from him. “Eat more, you need to be strong.”

He nodded, feeling self-conscious to be watched while he ate, but he ate as slow as usual. When he moved to the meatballs, Taiga’s mother decided to drop a bomb.

“Do you still like my son?”

He almost choked on the meatballs and Taiga’s mother quickly reacted by opening the giant Yakult. He almost finished the Yakult, the meatball managed to fall on the right hole, but the fear he felt from yesterday was almost paralyzing. It was too early for him, he shouldn’t be eating anything bigger than a dollar coin.

“Are you okay?” 

Anxiety must be stamped all over his face. Taiga’s mom looked apologetic as she handed him a glass of water. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked-”

“It’s okay. I mean, I’m okay to talk about it.” Since eating scared him to go into another possible emergency, talking about Taiga seemed easier. Being in an emergency that could have cost his life made him realize that love might be forever, but spending time with the one you love is always limited. Love can also last a lifetime, but life is fragile.

“Yes, I like your son. Or shall I say, I never stop loving Taiga.”

A tear fell from the eyes of Taiga’s mother, and Hokuto panicked, almost unrolling all the paper towels to give to her.

“This is all my fault,” cried Taiga’s mother, dabbing a paper towel on her eyes. “I knew about you two but I never really asked him. I thought - ignorantly and carelessly thought - it was just a phase and he was over it. I never thought - I never thought this heartbreak had been silently killing my son.”

Seeing someone’s parents cry had always been harrowing for Hokuto. Worse, the reason for her tears was also someone important to him. 

“Please don’t say that. It was a tough time for both of us, we weren’t strong enough not to cave in to pressure, and some things weren’t in our control. We’re not blameless, but I’m also past blaming anyone. We’ve been hurt enough.”

“But what about Taiga? Will he be okay?”

Hokuto smiled and nodded. “He will be okay.” It wasn’t a false sense of optimism, because he decided that even if he lost his registration, he would help Taiga get back on his feet. His phone rang and he answered quickly, seeing that it was Kochi. He excused himself and took the call outside.

Kochi spoke first, “Is Taiga there?”

Hokuto frowned. “No, his mother said he went - wait, how did you know I’m in Taiga’s place?”

“He messaged me last night to look after Luke because you can’t go home yet.”

“Oh!” So the jig is really up. 

“About Taiga, he came in but I didn’t see him so I thought he’d gone home.” 

“What do you mean?” His heart started racing.

“He doesn’t have an appointment today, but he was willing to wait for a bit, and before his turn, he just left and now I can’t reach him.”

“But where could he have gone?”

“My secretary said he was reading a magazine and he even took a snap of what he was reading.” 

“What was he reading about?”

“Hmmm… The Man Behind the Reproductive Health Leave for Women .” 

He paused and said, “Send me the picture of the article. I think I know where he went.” 

Dec 2019

T 🩷 I G A

In between unhealthy bouts of caffeine and eye bags that leave patients guessing if they were looking at the living or the dead, Taiga reached his mid-20s with the body of a 40-year-old arthritic man. His back hurt, he smelled of Tiger Balm and Salonpas, he would fall asleep as soon as his back touched something, and worse, he also started wearing Crocs. So when he heard some noises downstairs of his apartment, his gut instinct told him it could be dangerous, but his tired body told him to just pretend to be in a deep sleep. 

“Let them take whatever they could,” he mumbled with his eyes closed. The thieves would do him a favor if they would just take his stuff away. He had to move out before Christmas, as his two other flatmates would graduate in 2 weeks. And he and Hokuto agreed to live together in the city and closer to their workplace. 

His eyes opened at the thought of his boyfriend. He promised Hokuto to be a dutiful boyfriend and tell him once he’s at home. He just touched his phone when he heard his doorknob move. He quickly shut his eyes and buried his face in his pillow when his door creaked open. His heart pounded, while a gentle humming sound followed. He listened closely and realized someone was singing a Happy Birthday song.

"The fuck they’re singing happy birthday for–?” He opened his eyes when it dawned on him who the song was for, and seeing Hokuto lifted all his fatigue. The candles around his cake gave his messy room a whimsical glow, while Hokuto’s voice was almost hypnotic; one would think of everything as a dream until Hokuto sat next to him on the bed. 

“Happy Birthday, old man.”

“Ugh, I hate you,” he muttered sweetly, smooching Hokuto even if it meant getting burned from the candles. He only had one wish, and that was to survive med school. 

“I almost missed your birthday,” said Hokuto after he blew his candles.

He frowned and checked his phone to see it was only 11:22 in the evening. “It’s okay. Believe it or not, I was too busy and so tired I just want this day to be over even if it meant not celebrating my birthday,” he said, sighing. “Tell me, is the psychiatric ward easier?” Hokuto and he are working in two different institutions. 

Hokuto nodded, while Taiga took the cake so he could eat the icings with his finger. 

“My patient earlier got excited when he learned I’m Japanese.”

“Is it because he likes anime?” He guessed.

Hokuto nodded. “He said he likes Slam Dunk and that he’s Sakuragi. To prove his point, he slam dunked his poo on me.”

They both looked at the mocha birthday cake and Taiga felt nauseated just by imagining it.

“Really? In front of my birthday cake?”

Hokuto chuckled. “Ah, here’s my gift for you.” He took a slim box from the back of his jeans.

“Aw, you shouldn’t have.” He transferred the cake to his bedside table before shaking the box. “Can I open it now?”

“Sure.”

He quickly unwrapped his gift, and it left him breathless. “A stethoscope?!” It was just not any stethoscope. It’s Littman’s CORE digital stethoscope, the first-of-its-kind stethoscope that could toggle between digital and amplified listening modes.

“B-but this is pricey?” gasped Taiga. 

Hokuto grinned. “Happy Birthday!” 

“Thank you,” he said, almost teary-eyed, as he placed the earpiece into his ears. “Let me check if it works.” He placed the diaphragm over Hokuto’s chest. “Hmmm? I think you have PVCs?”

“Seriously?”

“Yeah, because you make my heart skip a beat.” 

Both of them were red from cringing at how bad his joke was.

“I have another one, uhm, are you an orthopedist?”

“Why?” he asked, frowning.

“Because you make my limp go away,” replied Hokuto with a malicious smirk.

He almost giggled when he realized he didn’t get the joke. “What about the limp?”

Hokuto reddened from having to explain so he just said, “Uhm, it doesn’t matter.”

“Ehhh…I won’t be able to sleep if you don’t tell me, please?” He insisted. 

Hokuto sighed and struggled for words. “Uhm, it’s this…ortho specializes in what?”

“Skeletal system?”

“Other term?”

“Bones?”

“And what is something in our body that goes from limp toooooo….?”

“Tooooo?” He repeated, still completely clueless. 

Hokuto sighed. “It’s this,” he said, pointing to his crotch, “Gets? Limp toooo?”

He smacked his palms, chuckling as he said excitedly, “Boner!” 

Hokuto is now beet-red as he shakes his head. “I’ll never use that joke again.”

He was still giggling at his stupidity when he thought of another. “Hokuto, isn’t the moon nice?”

“Where?” asked Hokuto as he looked through the window. 

“Just pretend.”

“Ah, y-yeah, the moon is nice.”

He had to smack his cheeks to stop himself from grinning too much before he delivered his punchline. “Yeah, the moon is nice and all, but what I’m looking forward to is visiting…Uranus.”

Hokuto instantly gets it, and the rest of their jokes fall flat, but it doesn’t matter because Taiga’s night went from birthday to honeymoon. And unrealistic it might be, but Taiga wished their honeymoon phase would extend for a very long time.

H 🖤 K U T O

“Chill, pops, my knife skills are flawless.”

“Flawless, but one customer has to wait an hour for a salmon. You’re cutting them open to be eaten, you’re not operating on them!”

“Slicing is an art, pa.”

“Cut faster if you don’t want me to slice you.” 

Hokuto kept his back turned and his head down as he listened to the father and son banter. He shouldn’t be doing this. Taiga would slice him into sashimi once he learned he had gone to their Fish Market restaurant. He slowly put up his phone, and pretended to be taking a selfie, but he was really taking shots of his boyfriend. Taiga is so cute in his chef hat and white apron, but it was his rolled sleeves and bare arms that made him look so sexy. The way Taiga’s arm muscles tense as he artfully carves the enormous slab of salmon in front of him was just “cinema”.

“You’re doing great, hon,” he murmured, while he also glared at tourists who took Taiga’s picture. “Tch, these people don’t know anything about privacy-”

“Hokuto!”

He almost dropped his phone when someone shouted his name and saw Billy, a high schoolmate of his, running toward him. 

“You said you’ll be Vic all December so you couldn’t attend the school’s centennial party, but here you are!” 

He gave Billy a smarmy smile and wanted nothing but to stuff Billy’s mouth with wasabi.

“Nice to meet yah, Billy,” he said through clenched teeth. 

“I’ll tell Anderson you’ll be there, alright?” 

He didn’t want to agree, but he didn’t want Billy and his boombox voice to linger any longer. 

“O-of course.” He wanted to cry. He’d better make Jesse and Juri go as well. 

“Nice! I have to get back to my girlfriend, but see you there!”

“You should have stayed with your girlfriend. Why leave her just to piss me off?” he muttered when a sushi boat of tuna and salmon slammed on his table. 

“Sorry, it’s heavy.”

He swallowed a lump in his throat when he heard that underlying intent to murder him from Taiga’s voice. 

“Uhm, I - I didn’t order this,” he argued, but quickly changed his tune seeing Taiga’s glare. “On second thought, this looks nice.”

“Of course, it’s 165 dollars.”

He almost choked, even though he hadn’t eaten anything. “That’s quite exy. Are you trying to rip me off? Is this one of those tourist traps?”

Taiga gave him the same saccharine smile he had given Billy earlier. “If you don’t like it, leave,” he whispered, his tone threatening when someone called for a platter of salmon. 

Taiga responded immediately. “One salmon platter, coming right up!” He glared at him one last time before he returned to his cutting corner. 

When his wallet was less than 165 dollars, he loitered outside the market while he made desperate calls to Juri and Jesse. Juri didn’t want to go, because he always hated being in an all-boys school and all the women at the party were probably plus ones of their batch mates and other alumni. 

“Aren’t you Mr. Congeniality of our batch? What do you mean, you’re not going?” He complained to Jesse. 

“I’m busy, besides I have better contacts now,” said Jesse, “And you don’t have to go as well. Bill and Andy will survive even if they’re the only ones who would go from our batch.” 

“Really? B-but I kinda feel bad.”

“Then go, or don’t go. Does it really matter?” 

“Fine. Fine. I won’t go.” He ended the call, still undecided. He wanted to go back inside to buy something to drink. The weather is unforgiving, while a flurry of Chinese tourists with their sun visors and umbrellas passed by that he didn’t notice until someone grabbed his arm. 

“Are you stupid? Why would you really pay?” Taiga placed a few bills in his pocket before handing him a bottle of water.

Dumbfounded, he didn’t think Taiga would follow him outside. “T-thanks, but why would you return it? I don’t like your pricing, but it’s business.” 

“I was just kidding. My dad won’t go into poverty over that sushi boat.”

“But-”

Taiga pressed two fingers on his nose, and the fishy smell made him wince. “Smell that? When I’m here, the smell just sticks no matter how many times I wash my hands.” 

“Wash your hands with coffee powder or granules or toothpaste. The smell would be gone in no time.”

“Oh, really? And you know this because?” He asked, eyebrows raised.

“Because I researched it for you. You made the same complaint last year.”

“Did I? I can’t remember.”

Hokuto scoffed. “Tch. You just turned 25 and your memory is worse than my grandpa’s.” 

Taiga smiled. “Don’t worry, I won’t ever forget that I love you.”

Taiga really knows how to leave him speechless as he touches his face. His face probably smells of salmon, too. “My face is all hot right now.” 

Taiga simply giggled. “Hydrate properly. I need to get back. I’ll see you on Christmas Eve.”

He smiled and stole a kiss on Taiga’s cheek, leaving him open-mouthed. “I guess I can also make you speechless.”

Taiga lightly punched his arm before he ran back inside. Hokuto was still smiling as he walked toward the light rail when someone grabbed his shoulder and pulled him back. 

“What the -” He turned mute for the second time as he found himself face-to-face with Taiga’s father.

May - June 2020

T 🩷 I G A

Taiga is exhausted; physically, mentally, emotionally, and even spiritually. He thinks ‘exhausted’ is not yet the most extreme, but he was just tired, too tired to even think of a more appropriate synonym to explain his current struggle. But who is he to complain? Everyone is having a hard time. Victoria is experiencing their deadly second wave of COVID, and the entire state has been put in lockdown, with cases continuing to rise each day. 

“Should we be glad we haven’t caught it yet?” asked Emma, another resident in her last year. Taiga and she mirrored each other; strained eyes, dark circles, and a few rashes around their face masks because of a mild allergic reaction. 

“Don’t jinx it,” said Taiga, knocking his gloved hand on the wooden desk before he started making his endorsement. Emma and he are doing their Post-Anesthesia Care Unit rota. The unit had a drop in patients since the patients themselves cancelled most elective operations. However, their unit also carries one of the highest risks of contamination and infection from COVID. 

“A friend of mine from hematology got it. No symptoms yet, but she’s self-isolating in their garage. I don’t know what will happen if I get it. My bloody neighbour complained to the strata about why I was still staying there when I could infect all of them. That bitch! How about you? I think you told me before that you’ll be living with your boyfriend? Isn’t he also a doctor?”

Taiga paused from charting. “I no longer have a boyfriend,” he said as quickly as his finger resumed typing. 

“...oh.”

Aside from COVID, awkwardness with a tinge of vexation hovered in the air. The mere mention of his ex was enough to triple his exhaustion. It didn’t help that his face and wrists started to itch more, which was usually the case when he was nearing the end of his shift. But he couldn’t complain. They were already lucky to be wearing proper PPE when others had resorted to using trash bags as PPE gowns. 

“Uhm, so where do you live now?” asked Emma after a while. 

He chose not to answer until he finished charting. He thought Emma would busy herself by checking their patients, but no, she remained seated by his side, her eyes wide with anticipation. “I still live with him.”

“Oh?” Emma’s eyes glinted with malice.

He shrugged. “I had no choice. We paid the lease and moved in before we broke up, and it was hard to find a new one because we’re Asians. Everyone thinks we’re from Wuhan.” The PPE could be suffocating, but he was thankful that no one could tell he was Asian and patients wouldn’t be too wary of him. He even suspected that he was in the PACU, because the patients were so heavily sedated to care about his ethnicity. 

Emma looked excited. “A friend of mine had been living with his girlfriend, who’s also a friend of mine, for 3 years and had zero plans of getting married, but because of this pandemic, he suddenly proposed. Maybe -”

Taiga scoffed and interjected. “Let me shut down whatever you want to say. We’ve already broken up, and that guy left me even when we’re not having our worst time. Worst of all, he broke up with me during Christmas! Now, he has spoiled all my Christmas because of him!”

He knew his dad was partly to blame, but he still didn’t get it. Hokuto and he are adults. They are no longer teenagers at the mercy of their parents’ income. They had also started earning their own money, so he didn’t get why Hokuto chose to leave him. He could have begged him to stay, but he recalled his promise back then. He would let him go if he asked. 

A lot has changed since Hokuto and he broke up. It was inevitable, as their landscape has also changed drastically because of the pandemic. But sometimes, he felt like he was still behind. He felt like he didn’t have time to grieve or cope and had to jump to acceptance and face everything head-on. However, there are still people he chooses to avoid rather than face. Like he continued to ignore his dad’s messages, while he also avoided Hokuto like the plague. He took extra shifts during Hokuto’s rest days and took all the night shifts since Hokuto’s seemed to always be in the morning. Taiga didn’t want to be that person, but the pandemic had been helpful to take his mind off a lot of things. He’d rather exhaust himself than let his mind wander. 

A serving of tamagoyaki, rice, and pickled vegetables was waiting for him when he arrived at their flat. Whatever was Hokuto’s lunch, it would be his breakfast, or he could leave it and eat it by lunch. He really wanted to ignore those meals, but he thought he deserved a free meal, at least. He was about to go to his room when the door to Hokuto’s room opened. Hokuto looked so fresh in his pjs, while he’s a peasant and tired of life. 

“Change of shift?” He asked coldly. But deep inside, he really wanted to ask if Hokuto was feeling okay. Although Hokuto worked in a mental health facility, they were all at risk. 

“Sort-of but only for today.”

“Ah, excuse me then.” His hand was on the doorknob when Hokuto spoke.

“Uhm, your dad messaged me. He said you haven’t been replying to his messages.” 

Taiga believed he would have broken the doorknob if it was made of glass. “Wow, you and my dad are even messaging each other?” He said bitterly, while he glared at Hokuto. “You could have just told him that there was no need to worry, because we’re not fucking each other.”

Hokuto pulled him back, and he was sure Hokuto’s fingers would have left an imprint on his arm. “Do you have to be this way?”

Taiga cocked an eyebrow. “I should be the one asking you that. Why are you being like this? Ignore my dad and stop leaving me meals. We’re nothing but two strangers forced to live together. Stop doing anything for me. We’re done, remember? Act like it.” His chest was heaving by the time he was done. Hokuto’s grasp had loosened as pain flashed across his face. Taiga ignored the guilt that followed. 

“This is painful for me too,” said Hokuto quietly. 

“Really? Should I thank you then?” 

Hokuto scowled, not liking his condescending tone. “Just message your dad, he’s worried for you and this lockdown…and I bought an ointment for your rash. It’s in your room.”

Hokuto returned to his room before he could argue, so he diverted his irritation to the cream Hokuto bought and chucked it in the bin. He lay down on his bed and sighed in frustration. He should have changed and taken a bath first, but this morning really tested his patience. He closed his eyes, but instead of sleeping, he started crying. He missed Hokuto so much. Even though Hokuto held him harshly earlier, he was fine with that. He missed Hokuto’s touch. He wished he could tell Hokuto how tired he was, how he felt like he was at the end of his rope, but he couldn’t complain. Who is he to complain about heartbreak and exhaustion when people are dying left and right? And all he could do was to direct his desires to anger, or he might lose it all, and begged Hokuto to take him back. 

H 🖤 K U T O

It was a weird time to be grateful to be alive, but also a weird time to wish to share someone’s suffering. It was a strange time overall and he could see the signs: Taiga was starting to crack. And he couldn’t intervene, because whatever he said or did, he would always be the villain in Taiga’s eyes. 

Or maybe he should just step up, Taiga sees him as despicable anyway. Was he really wrong for breaking up with Taiga? Although, he didn’t really break-up with Taiga. He only asked him for space. A cool-off. He hoped that Taiga’s dad would eventually see that they were two responsible adults and give his blessings. But no, Taiga told him that there was no need to prolong their agony and split up with him. He had no idea what “agony” Taiga was talking about, but what came after their break-up was just pure agony. 

Taiga was dead set on giving him pain by torturing himself. 

It might not be intentional, but it was a miracle Taiga hadn’t dropped-dead yet. Taiga had lost a lot of weight as he worked like a horse. If COVID works hard, Taiga works even harder. COVID might have been in Taiga’s body all along, but it just couldn’t replicate because stubbornness ran in Taiga’s blood. 

“Hokuto, we’re here.”

He turned to look outside, and the gloom set in. His practice supervisor brought him to psyche consultations for healthcare workers. But he didn’t think they would be at St. Bartholomew Health, aka the hospital where Taiga works. 

“H-here?”

“Yeah, here,” said Dr. Melisande as she parked her car. 

He swallowed the lump in his throat and told himself to relax. It was almost lunch and although he didn’t see or hear Taiga come in; he was sure that Taiga was now sleeping at home. 

“I’m really grateful you agreed to this,” said Melisande. “I couldn’t blame the others for not wanting to go to a hospital. It’s high risk, but this pandemic has really taken a toll on our healthcare workers,” Melisande pointed out. “I wouldn’t be surprised if half of them choose to leave the workforce once this year is over.”

Hokuto just nodded and followed her. The hospital’s director greeted them and quickly attended to their sanitation before providing them with isolation gowns and a face shield on top of their 2 N95 masks. After they were all prepped-up, someone redirected them to the hospital’s medical records section. 

“We’re doing the counseling here?” asked Melisande. There were two transaction windows and Hokuto assumed they would sit behind the glass for another layer of protection. “Is there another place? I’m pretty sure the clients and us will have a shouting match.”

Thus, they ended up at the hospital’s chapel. He and Melisande sat at the opposite pew and their clients could come in and talk to them from behind. Instead of feeling like a vicar in a confessional room, Hokuto felt more like he was a drug lord about to give orders to a hitman, and the orders had to happen in a church so he could ask for forgiveness immediately. 

“Good morning.” 

He sighed in relief as he turned his head to 45 degrees. No doubt his first client is a woman. 

“Good morning. I’m Hokuto Matsumura. How can I help you?”

“Hi, just call me Joanne. Uhm, I apologize, but can I talk about my relationship instead of work?” 

Hokuto wanted to direct her to Melisande instead. He wasn’t in the position to give relationship advice when his relationship was in tatters. 

As though Joanne read his mind, she continued, “I was hoping to get a man’s perspective on this matter?”

He sighed inwardly. This is his chance to show his professionalism. “It’s okay. You can tell anything that’s been burdening you.”

“Well…” her voice quivered, and he expected tears would soon follow, “...I just want to know, but how can you say you love someone, yet stand idly while they’re in pain?”

He squeezed his thighs. Her question was like a dagger to his heart. 

“My mother passed away last March because of COVID. I’m an only child. My dad passed away when I was 10, so I did all the cremation arrangements for my mom. After that, I also got COVID and had to be isolated. I didn’t have to be intubated, but it was bad enough that I had to be on oxygen for most of the day. I’ve been married for 12 years. We have one child, but during these past few months, I never felt so alone. My husband also worked here as Rad-Tech and he was…just never there. I understand that he chose to stay away because of our son, but is it so hard to even message me something as simple as ‘How are you?’ I feel like this pandemic took a toll on both of us, but I’m being hit harder, and the only support system I have is just never there.”

He closed his eyes and sighed. COVID literally tested all aspects of life. “Have you spoken to him?”

“I did,” she said, her tone more harrowing. “He said that I’m just being too sensitive because of what happened. He said he loves me, and that I should probably take a break from work because it’s clearly stressing me out. But I can’t do that, and I feel like a bad mother and wife for choosing work, but now isn’t really the time for me to quit. I signed up for this when I took an oath. But I also know I made a promise to my husband when I married him. It’s just—it’s just I hope I didn’t have to choose.” 

Hokuto nodded and sighed. They were all in the same boat. They have to make a choice, but most of them would rather choose everything and hope they can handle it. 

“I understand. This has been a challenging time for all of us and although I can’t answer if your husband is loving you correctly, I think that both of you are suffering from a type of adjustment disorder because of the situation we’re in now. Your husband doesn’t know how to deal with it, so he chooses to back off. It might seem heartless, but sometimes it’s just as painful for those who stand by the side, probably even more, because unsaid feelings are the type that poisons you from within.” 

T 🩷 I G A

Taiga woke to someone cuddling him from behind, and seeing those familiar arms across his torso made him want to sink deeper in Hokuto’s embrace. He wanted to mould his body next to him and feel every skin and every curve on him. He closed his eyes and pretended to remain asleep. Hokuto just lay wordlessly, breathing lightly on his nape, and before long, their breathing was in sync. 

“What’s wrong?” He asked after a while, interlacing his fingers with Hokuto’s. 

“I don’t know. Everything?” Hokuto whispered. 

Taiga sighed. He felt the same. “I’m tired, Hokuto. I’m so tired. Just saying ‘tired’ makes me even more tired.”

“I’m tired, too,” said Hokuto, leaving his back and moving on top of him. “Can we, at least, make each other feel good?” 

“Yes!” Taiga wanted to scream as Hokuto leaned his face closer. He wanted Hokuto so much his body shivered from anticipation, and it took him all his being to swerve his face before Hokuto could crush his lips onto his. 

“I have no doubt you like me,” he said. “But you either commit to me or none. I’m not in this for sex alone.” Hokuto met his eyes, and he was just torn. He berated himself for overthinking, but some things just had to be said. 

“Don’t be like this if you don’t intend to stay with me,” he continued.

Hokuto’s eyes were glassy as he said, “I liked you the first time I saw you, and I want nothing else but to spend my life loving you.” 

It wasn’t an order, but a declaration of love, but he complied like a soldier and lifted his head to kiss Hokuto first. Hokuto’s lips were like a comfort food he hadn’t had for so long, and he wanted to savor it up to the very last piece. 

They made love with slowness. Kissing every inch of their skin, and their bodies reacted as intensely as their first time. None of them had to tell the other what they wanted, as they both wanted the same things. Their need for pleasure got overwhelming. Their sighs became moans as they moved with bated breath on who could make it last. Their bodies begged for release, and as much as they wanted to stretch time, they could only hold each other as they climaxed, while murmuring poetries in their ears.

H 🖤 K U T O

He already thinks it’s wrong to be this happy, but he also thinks it’s ungrateful to be sad just because it wasn’t the right time to be happy. He already messaged Taiga’s father to apologize, because he’d gotten back with Taiga. But he never received a reply. He brought it up to Taiga, but he just shrugged as though it was nothing but a minor inconvenience. 

“He should be home now. Did he have to take another shift?” He checked his phone for any messages from Taiga, but it remained empty. He was hesitant to call Taiga. They were in the same profession and he understood that emergencies happened and Taiga could be held up because of something. There could also be the case of an outbreak and he needed to self-isolate, but surely Taiga would call him. 

He sighed and concentrated on watching the news, which didn’t help to assuage his unease as most were bad news; from the continued rise of cases, unemployment, and construction backlog. He could only shake his head and switch to Netflix when his phone rang. He immediately picked it up and sighed in relief seeing the caller was Taiga until he spoke. 

“Is something wrong?” He asked as he stood up and looked outside.

“Hokuto,” said Taiga, his voice trembling. 

His heart raced. “Where are you? What happened? Are you still at the hospital? Do you want me to fetch you?” He asked all that while he took his keys and took his ID to show that he was an essential worker. 

“I’m at the train station. They won’t let me leave.”

“Leave? Where would you go? We’re still in lockdown…Taiga? Taiga?”

The line went dead and Hokuto drove to Melbourne Southern Cross Station. Taiga was nowhere to be found when he arrived and someone told him that they just brought a man to the police station for breaking lockdown protocols. He went to the police and found Taiga huddled with a blanket in the corner. He looked like he had gone through such a horrifying ordeal. He was holding a crushed paper cup and all its contents were dripping down his blanket.

“We can’t let him leave unless he tests negative for COVID. He showed us a negative antigen test from the hospital where he works, but our protocol needs a PCR test taken at least 24 hours before crossing the border. I’m really sorry,” said the police officer he spoke with. 

Hokuto approached Taiga with caution. There was something that shifted in Taiga and Hokuto hated that he felt scared of his boyfriend. 

“Taiga,” he called quietly as he knelt in front of Taiga, his cheeks streaking with tears. “What happened?”

Taiga didn’t even look at him. His eyes were soulless and his voice hoarse. “A patient of mine bled to death on the operating theater table earlier.”

“...oh!”

“I was the one who convinced her to get the surgery,” he continued, “But what do I know? I killed her.”

“You didn’t kill her,” he said firmly. “These things happened, and it wasn’t within our control.” 

Taiga sneered and this time, Taiga met his eyes with indifference. “I also killed my dad.”

He blinked and asked carefully, “What do you mean?” 

Taiga’s chest started heaving, his speech slurred as tears ran down his face. “H-he’s dead.” He covered his face and sobbed almost hysterically. 

“My mom had been calling me, but I ignored it and went in for the operation. I still ignored her calls afterwards. If I only knew what was happening to my dad, how would I even know when I’ve been ignoring him? I’m an awful son. I don’t deserve any good things.”

Hokuto thought his heart was being twisted seeing the man he loved in so much pain. He tried to hug him, but Taiga recoiled and the look he gave him was shame and apologetic. 

“We never should have gotten back,” Taiga snapped, which made Hokuto’s eyes go wide. 

“Taiga…look, you’re having an acute reaction to stress.”

“No,” Taiga insisted and his eyes said it all. He regretted everything. “This time, I’m the one asking you for space.”